Embracing Rest in 2022

It's chaos in my brain.

Don't get me wrong, despite the rampant ideas, characters, and stories running around in there, I've clung to organization like a lifeline growing up. It's a strange combination, the maddening busy mind, and structure-driven desire.

Every time a new year came around, I grabbed my journal and wrote like a madwoman, determined I needed to try harder and accomplish more.

Some days it felt like I was fighting two halves of myself.

I've always been a goal-oriented person. I think it has something to do with the chaotic thoughts running through my brain. I need to organize them somehow, otherwise, I'll be just as jumbled as the thoughts ping-ponging in my head.

I should have realized at some point, too much organization would undo me.

With structure, the thoughts quieted for a time. I had a list of to-do items to make sure they stayed well in hand, but as the thoughts calmed, my creativity waned.

2021 was a year of stress, productivity, and what I thought would lead to happiness. We were still in the middle of a pandemic and I figured, what better way to improve my craft while I was spending way more time at home.

That meant working harder and pushing myself like never before.

Little did I know, pushing yourself in the midst of an already stressful situation doesn't always lead to better results.

I hit a full-on burnout.

I was stuck in a rut of hustling and not breathing. I forgot why I loved to write stories and where I belonged. Depression sank in like a heavy cloud and although I put on a brave face, it gripped its claws deeper into my psyche over the coming months.

Although I wrote at a frantic pace, I felt like the words I produced were utter garbage or just a fraction of the depth I wanted them to be. The more I wrote, the more I despised myself until most days, the art of writing felt like a black hole, sucking me into nothingness.

It's safe to say that over-organizing did the opposite of what I wanted.

I have worked so hard to quiet the noise. Silencing the mess and focusing on the task at hand was something that gave me pride. It felt good to feel like I'd actually accomplished something.

I never would have thought that a little noise, was what I needed.

The more I produced, the more my anxiety grew.

I got stuck ticking off boxes to the point of not letting myself take joy in the art of creating.

I always hated feeling chaotic.

At times, I felt a little crazy. To me, the noise meant I couldn't stay focused on one idea long enough to finish it.

I have literally lived with stories and characters dancing and chattering inside my head for as long as I can remember. But when the noise died down, part of me left.

It took a night of messy drawing, a small habit I had picked back up, to set me free.

As every line came in a maddening rush of chaos and scribbles, a face emerged. Before I knew it, I was drawing a character from a series I loved and a rush of excitement, one of the first in a long time, flashed like a burst of light, unleashing a flood of creativity.

Letting go of planning, of structuring everything I did, unlocked a hidden door of creativity...and once it started, it didn't stop. That one picture of letting loose made me feel alive.

I don't dare let go of that again.

This year, 2022 will be a year of less structure, of not playing by the rules, and living freely.

I can safely report the chattering noise of characters written and to be written are back. In fact, they may be a little louder now to make up for lost time. I don't mind so much. They keep me writing and enjoying the process of watching stories come alive.

I'm not as efficient these days, but the words on the page aren't making me cringe either.

I plan on embracing the flow of things, of allowing myself to wrap up in a cozy blanket with coffee and just breathe. I don't always have to crank words out at a maddening rate.

Perhaps this urge is my mind letting me still heal from burnout.

I'll take it.

When the desire comes upon me to create, to let go, I'll embrace it. It won't be neat. If anything, I've learned I need a little mess in my creative process. I need room to wiggle and change...to let it flow.

I'm not saying this is for everyone. I'm not even saying it will always be for me, but for now, this is what I need and I welcome it.

A little chaos.

A lot of noise.

Warm blankets and coffee.

I welcome it all.

This time, 2022 will be what it will be...and you know what? I'm okay with that. I'll take a year of slow, with unexpected bursts of creativity and let myself have the year to renew, breathe, and feel alive.

It's time to rest.