Eat. Pray. Love

They say you win and you lose some; I've been losing lately. I held Universe accountable for something I was fully responsible for, and so in the midst of feeling humbled, in the midst of feeling lost, I started to pray, I started to talk to Universe unwilling to listen, I screamed to hear the noise, not to find direction.

2021 was the year I manifested my life from grounds of coffee and ground cinnamon; I was a driving force in every single department in my life, I was driving at 100 mph: an ocean view, a space that was truly mine, a car, a 5 minute drive distance from my kids and a salary of 70k later; I crashed.

December 4th 2019, I lost the most important individual in my life, my dad; every December since I become isolated, quiet, uninterested on holidays, I become the Grinch. December 2021 was the hardest yet, the wish to be able to show dad how far I've come, the wish to walk with him on the beach, to laugh with him as we drive; my blessings were feeling a lot more like curses and so when I looked up from my pity party on my most hated day, I met the most beautiful distraction.

I had everything I wanted, everything I thought would make me happy was at my feet, and still this void inside my heart felt like I was living a lie, and now looking back, I most definitely was.

I've always been career driving, I've been very successful, my mother, she praises my success and I love that I am able to be that for her, to be her "proud child" but having it all, having what I worked so hard for was breaking me down, and I know that I was supposed to be grateful and be quiet, live like a Queen and pose for the "proud picture" on my mom's fridge but December broke what was left of my soul, I spiraled out of control, and I tried to regained control, I tried to handle myself quietly without letting the storm really get out of my apartment, but I failed.

I remember " you are now a duck, they can go in any direction they chose to go on, that's you right now" and though I thought that was the sweetest statement at the moment, I've never been someone without a plan, I didn't know how to be a duck all of a sudden, I knew how to be a Lion, I knew how to lead, I knew how to exhaust until I got what I wanted; a duck, was defend-less, in my head I felt terrified to be a duck, and if by design I was a duck, I would be a baby duck following my mom around for reassurance, something that was unimaginable, because I reassured her, all her life.

I cried in the shower countless times, I distracted myself with so much, that at night when my head was free to roam I was afraid, so afraid that I started drinking melatonin. I was at war with myself and everyone around me, I was fake happy, I was faking that I knew where I was headed, while when I was alone, I would roll down my walls screaming at the top of my lungs for Universe to help me find direction.

I made it to a space where I didn't have to worry about much, and so when it started getting quiet, I started praying, I started healing, thought process, heart space, what protection meant for me around this time was sleeping on a sofa, being in the background of a meeting; I started finding myself fading into this hermit mode, this solitude driving need that I couldn't explain, and though a lot happened emotionally for me to get to this point I somehow got here.

I've become so much clearer on where I am going, what I am doing, and what I am feeling; I can now be who I've always been, a leader again, this time stronger and 100% living the life I want to create for myself every day instead of the life I created for a version of me who needed success as an approval of how much I was worth.

Dragonflies, dad is my dragonflies and these days I get followed around by them, as I read, as I dance in the water, as I drive, I see them every where and I know that he is enjoying this as much as I am, so this December might be hard too, but I know that he is somewhere smiling down at all my accomplishments and those that have yet to come, success never defined me, I define it.

XOXO

Lucy