Does Anyone Notice?

How time past so fast I’ll never understand. Life can feel so great for so long, but I can’t help but wonder if I was feeling that contentment because it was actually there or my medication was giving my mind a false hope. Since I was young, I’ve done nothing other than cling to any chance of true happiness but I realize now that I’m clinging to something that I have no experience with.

When I lived in my false contentment I thought of nothing but of those around me. My mind was once again filled with how to make others happy because I knew deep down that what I was feeling wasn’t happiness. It was just a small pill filling in for what I’ve been missing since I was a child. The false contentment gave me hope that I didn’t need the meds anymore to feel okay and I was right at first.

Have you noticed that people leave you alone as long as you make them happy? As long as you focus all your energy on them, they are happy but when you turn somewhat away and try to focus on yourself they attack you. For over two months my mind is never clear because there's always someone chasing away the pure silence. It’s lovely to watch it coming and just sit there as pure rage builds in my chest but I’m not allowed to be angry.

I can feel myself slipping, I can feel myself getting worst but this time there isn’t anyone who notices. Breathing feels like second nature, living comes third. I can’t escape from those around me because now I have to sit and wait until the time passes until I can be alone. I miss my peace.

I barely have words for my writing. I wrote a poem beforehand on being nothing if someone took my words from me and that’s exactly what has happened. At first I tried to use my words but as time passed I’ve become so worn out that I barely want to speak.

There are so many benefits from being strong. I can take on the world, I can help those around me but soon those people rely on me for everything and when my strength is gone and I need to breath, they never give me the chance too. How do people not realize how much they are wearing you out?

I'm beginning to think that there is no escape if you want to maintain a relationship with people but I'm starting to realize that I can't keep moving backwards with I want to accomplish my goals. Even if I have to vent everywhere I go, I will.

The little bit of inspiration I built over time allowed me to write something in my journal:

Loneliness has always been my closet friend

I always know when I feel it creeping up on me

The once bright lights in my mind start to dim

But I don’t fight it

I don’t run to get help

I don’t speak up

Because deep down I know it’s here to help

In a twisted way, it’s my best friend because it always returns

Unlike people, it’s always there to stop me from fooling myself.

My loneliness brings a new part of my personality

I no longer worry

I cant seem to feel anything while in front of anyone

But the minute I’m alone it’s like a bucket of ice cold water is thrown on me

I shiver and gasp for air

As the water slides down my face.

It’s the same way every day

This dark shadow sits on my back and hugs me tight as I go through my days.

When I talk, it’s shorter

When I eat, it’s less

When I breath, I take bigger gasps because I keep forgetting to breath normal

At night, when it’s time for bed

That dark shadow lays on my chest and covers my mouth to muffle my sounds of pain.

This can go on for weeks or months

Until one day there’s a sudden relief and I gasp

The lights flicker until they are bright again

I take a much needed moment to collect myself

Before continuing with life.