Discovering ME

My favorite emojis are purple hearts and upside-down happy faces. I like gangster rap and classical literature. I like to sew but I never finish any projects. You need something hemmed or a button sewn on? I’m you girl. I rearrange furniture, compulsively, even in hotels, especially hotels. I clean when I’m trying not to cry, and I have been known to organize the same drawer 3 times when I'm worried. I like using things for different things than the were supposed to be used for, yet find great peace and comfort in honoring traditions. I have been searching my whole life for simple, steady, and good. Yet my life is perpetual, complex, chaos and drastic shifts. I’ve learned to be my own simple, steady and good.

I know Jesus well, and believe that viewing one faith as correct and other people are wrong for their believes is, well, stupid. In my eyes (my wide-open eyes) that kind of thinking minimizes God. He can, and will reach us all, in the way we each will understand and can connect to. He can be in Astrology, or Scientology, or even Atheism if He wants. Who is going to stop Him? I’m not, are you? If so, I don’t want to stand anywhere near you in a lightning storm.

My favorite thing to do is sleep. I don’t watch scary movies, murder mysteries or the news, so when I see a shadow in the dead of night, it’s clearly the lampshade, or my guardian angel, it’s not Michael Myers. Even if it was, I’d give him a facial, rub his knife hand (it must get sore) and NEVER bring up lakes. He would be my best friend in an hour. My son had to help me with those details, just giving credit where credit is due. Anyway, I digress.

Growing up there was a magnet on the fridge that said, “Life is short, eat desert first." Well, I always did try and be a good listener, so I’ve taken to eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Why not start the day with desert? It makes me happy, it’s perfect. Best decision I ever made.

I have never believed that innately bad people exist, but I have learned that some are so damaged that they are not safe to include in your life, and I’ve learned the only damaged soul I am responsible for fixing is my own.

I grew up thinking I liked everything those I respected liked. I suppose I thought that would make me more like them. Purple was my favorite color because it was my grandmothers favorite color. I read murder mysteries because my mothers did. I’ve recently learned that yellow is actually my favorite color and I prefer historical fiction. Who knew?

Did you know that it is someone’s job to research every detail of a movie set, script, costumes, and such to make sure it’s historically factual and accurate? I really missed my calling.

I prefer to spend my time with children. 5 is a good age for a friend. They are genuine, and loving, and fun. I want to play dress up and twirl around in the grass. I want to laugh. I want to eat peanut butter sandwiches sitting on the floor and then take a long nap.

I disagree with people who say doing the right thing is hard. If doing the wrong thing is easy for me, then it means one of these 3 things. I didn’t realize it was wrong, I was in complete survival mode, or in the case of my romantic life, I thought putting the man in my life first was right, and I chose men that didn’t have the same moral code as myself. I did a lot of wrong, trying to do right by them.

I was a perfect mother, before I had children. In creating children, however, I also created fathers, and though all I wanted out of life was to raise children, I wasn’t prepared to raise fathers.

I love to learn, I love to know how, and why, and the history of it all. The only thing I could never learn, and I don’t want to learn, is where hate comes from, where cruelty and such disregard or even pleasure in the suffering of others comes from. It’s beyond me. The hate I see in some people scares me. The older I get the more I realize how much of it there is around us, hiding behind sunglasses and sugar sweet smiles. I tried to hate once. It didn’t suit me. I get angry, but it always fades to broken before it builds up any momentum.

I never know where my phone is, or my car keys, often even my purse. But I will always know where you keep your Advil and where your missing shoe is, even after only one visit to your house.

I take selfies like a teenager (not that I post many) I love filters and make-up and dress up clothes. I’m working hard on bringing back banana clips, if I succeed, I’m working on tiaras next.

I respect if you think differently than me, unless of course, I was married to you. If you’re not in that club, I want to know all about your passion, your subject of expertise, especially if it was learned through life experience. I know a little about a lot of things, but I’m an expert in nothing. There is not enough time in the day to learn everything. I trust others to learn things for me. I trust you know your shit. Don’t let me down. Tell me all about it, I can’t wait to learn more.

I will help you, if I can, I will try to help you, even if I can’t.

My life’s value has been based on others views of me to this point, directly attributed to my capabilities, and my ability to be flexible and accommodating. I learned early, as a good codependent does, to be who and what you needed me to be. Asking for help, has always been a terrifying risk that panics me. I try not to burden others with too much “me”. Recently I needed to be me. I was too broken and too misunderstood to be anything else. It didn’t go over well. I learned my real value to those I valued so dearly. I realized everything I thought was solid as oak, was just a pretty spring weed, temporary and soon turned into nothing but a wish.

Real, is my children. My children are bits and pieces of everyone and everything I ever loved. They are the best parts of me wrapped up and transformed into love, brilliance and hope. I live only to see what those amazing creatures bring to this world, see them smile, and hear them say “I love you mama”.

My faults are obvious to most. My most offensive fault is probably my singing voice, followed by my scattered mind, and then my growing inability to face negativity and adversity. Those faces, calling me mama, keep me trying at all cost.

I laugh, a lot, mostly at my own jokes. Sarcasm, humor, deep rooted faith, and Budlight are what fuels my resilience.

I’m covered in bruises most of the time, I’m always trying to do “big people” things and I’m little. I change shapes more than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s always a mystery what I’ll look like next month. It’s kinda fun.

Those around me say I need to confront the painful and difficult situations in my life. To some extent I agree. What those people don’t know about me, this broken vessel of light that I am, is that I absorb. The energy, the feelings, the toxic and the sunshine. But the job of the light is to repel the dark, so I can only take in so much if I am going to do my job correctly, and my job, is simply, to shine.

Oh how this discovery has changed me as a mother, possibly 19 years too late. I feel like I now know almost everything there is to know about the heartbreaking saga, overwhelming joy and general adventures of raising children, particularly teenagers. The world has changed drastically, our society and our methods of parenting don’t work as well as they used to. We better catch up fast or we will loose an entire generation. I will be sharing what I’ve learned soon. If your interested, its coming. Stay tuned to discover what I have discovered. Right now I’m still under construction, bare with me as I put my scattered life and thoughts in order.

With love,

The Calé Princess