Delayed Resolution

For the majority of my life, new year’s resolutions were my jam! I was that person who would come up with a list of resolutions. Then I would take each resolution and break it down into accomplishable steps and then figure out a timeline for when each step should be finished in order to achieve the goal in a timely manner. There was color coding, prioritizing, flow-charts, and reminders added to calendars. Did I accomplish all of these goals? Heck, no! In the attempt to accomplish them, I would inevitably find that some things weren’t as important to me as I had thought at the beginning of the year. Or that I had grossly overestimated what can reasonably be accomplished in a 24-hour day – you mean I can’t write the next great American novel, while exercising every day, eating only home-cooked meals full of fresh fruits and vegetables, learning a second language, and prioritizing time with my friends? Go figure!

However, this year when a friend asked me what my resolutions were, I told her that I wasn’t going to make any. I was taking the year off. Despite the fact that this pronouncement was wildly out of character, she accepted it but suggested that I might change my mind later and that was okay. After all, I was just getting over the flu that left me in quarantine over Christmas, so I wasn’t really in the best head space. What was left unspoken was that the negative head space, had started long before I came down with the flu.

I have dealt with chronic illnesses and chronic injuries since I was child, and I prided myself on the fact that I never let any of it slow me down. It didn’t matter what life threw at me, I was going to go Mach 5 with my hair on fire and do all the things. That is until the fall of 2021 when a confluence of events led to a sharp decline in both my mental and physical health resulting in me landing on short-term disability. 2022 saw my doctors applaud my progress, and how well I was functioning with one breath, and then in the very next admit that I am likely as good as I’m going to get. Which means that my short-term disability has now turned into long-term disability.

Needless to say, I spent the majority of last year frustrated out of my mind, with an ever-increasing negative inner dialogue. How am I supposed to over-achieve and compete and show the world how brilliant I am, when there are days that walking my dog and feeding the two of us saps all of the energy and focus that I have available that day? How am I supposed to go Mach 5 with my hair on fire, when I can’t even finish rehabbing my foot surgery, before I fall and tear my rotator cuff requiring yet another surgery? How am I supposed to look at myself in the mirror without feeling totally and completely betrayed by my body?

Gracious acceptance.

Now I don’t mean acceptance that this is as good as I will get. I’m not looking for a complete personality overhaul here! What I mean is acceptance for who I am right here and now. Not who I was and what I was capable of five years ago, or what I hope to be capable of in five years, but what I am capable of in this moment. Acceptance that I can’t do all of the dishes today, but I can do five of them. Acceptance that I had a busy day today, so tomorrow will need to be a stay at home and refill the energy tanks kind of day. Acceptance that when my doctor wants to try a new medication it might mean that it will solve the particular problem we’re addressing, or it might mean that the acclimation period wipes me out for a week and over the long run the side effects prove to be worse than the benefit so we’re back to square one. Is that still going to be frustrating? Yes. But I can choose to be frustrated, or I can choose to accept that this is part of the journey and allow myself the grace to slow down and be kind to myself.

It turns out that my friend was right, I would eventually come up with a new year’s resolution, and the fact that I didn’t make it on January first is okay. It is actually kind of perfect, because my resolution is to practice gracious acceptance for the things in this life that are not within my control. There are no steps to follow, no timeline, no big end goal, and no bragging rights when I cross the finish line because there is no finish line. I simply want to learn to grant myself the grace and compassion that I so freely grant to others. Which in all honesty, might be one of the best resolutions I’ve ever made.