Dear You, I'm Taking My Power Back

It took me days and days to feel okay enough to publish this. I'm sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen listening to the rain as I read this over and over and over again, debating whether or not to hit publish. I'm uncomfortable with the finality of hitting that button even though I know I need to do this. Not for you, or my family or my past; but for me, right now in this moment and for my future self. I need to let go of the fear and the control you have over me and have had over me since I was little. You don't control me anymoreand I refuse to let the thought of you stop me from living my life. I know I should have done this a long time ago but I'm proud of myself for feeling worth it enough to do it now. I'm done pretending nothing happened and secretly letting you tear me apart behind the closed doors of my mind. I'm done with it. I don't want you in my head anymore, and I will not let what you said and put me through stop me from becoming who I want and deserve to be.

I was a little kid, and you stole my innocence and my childhood. You took me from my happiness week after week even though I pleaded and begged you not to. I thought this was normal. I thought this was what I deserved. I thought, wow, I must be really horrible to deserve this, they must be right, they wouldn't lie to me. You and your accomplice kept feeding me this bullshit narrative that I was bad, a liar, ugly and worthless. You made me believe the people trying to protect me were the evil ones. You isolated me and manipulated me into a state of constant anxiety. You let the person who was supposed to love you, mentally torture you into a state of self-pity and denial, where even today you don't realize how much damage they caused. You sacrificed your self-respect and the needs of those you were supposed to protect for that monster. You never protected me from the terror and malevolence that calculating monster put us through.

Even after you were out of that control, you still caused me so much pain and suffering. First crumbling in front of me and making me pick up the broken pieces of your soul, then discarding me when you found someone better. You fought so hard to change the parts of me you saw as a reflection of yourself. I know now it was never me that was wrong or incorrect or not good enough. It was your own insecurities and worries you forced upon me.

You'll deny this until the day you die and I know that. That's why I'm not asking for your forgiveness, your pity or your help. There's no point in me saying your name or your relationship to me because you know who you are and that's not what this is about. This isn't to punish you, destroy you or ruin your life. This is for me. This is me taking back my power and control. Despite all the pain I went through under your hand, I choose to love, accept, and forgive myself. I have people who truly love and care about me and I won't let your words control me anymore. I'm taking my power back. I decide how I let the past affect me and I'm done letting it destroy me. This isn't a form of revenge or coming from a place of hurt and pain, this is my way of healing and learning to love myself and my experiences; the good and the bad. I take ownership of what I've done wrong and the mistakes I've made and I hope you can do the same one day.