Dear Diary,

If I'm being honest here, nothing was the same since 2019.

2019 was the last year we as human felt that things would be normal, not knowing what's to come in the years that follows. From what I recall, November 2019 was the year COVID-19 started becoming the topic of conversations.

Again, if I'm being honest here, hear me out when I say this...

Although we're in the year 2021, let's go back to 2018. In October of 2018, I was working for a company called Childcare Careers. My tasks would be to travel to different preschools/daycares and fill in as a substitute teacher. I enjoyed working for them for the time frame that I did before I decided to quit but that's irrelevant to the importance of what I'm trying to get at right now. However, I was working around children and in the month of October I remember being sick. Well, this form of sicknes turned into 2 weeks of missing work, not really knowing what was going on. I didn't go to the doctor to see what was wrong and had I gone, they probably would've never been able to tell m e exactly what it was and made something up. Like I said, I didn't go to the doctor to find out. So, I'm out of work for 2 weeks for being sick and during that time I felt so tired and exhausted. I felt like I was on my deathbed, because any slightlest form of annoyance would irritate me. Also, usually when I'm sick for a few days I eat chiken noodle soup from Chick-fil-a. I would drink plenty of water, gatorade, juice, hot tea with honey and lemon. I would take Alka-setlzer, Emergency-C Immune System Booster, TheraFlu or Niquil. These things would normaly make me feel better in a day or two but not in this case.

Covid had been around in 2018 in my opinion. It didn't get much attention until November 2019 in my opinion, which escalated to it being full blown at the top of 2020 in late February going into March.

Now since 2018, I was no longer working at Childcare Careers and I ended up going back to my old job that I had after I quit working at the airport back in 2013. I've had other jobs in between all still pertaining children. I go back to my old job and this was back in 2019 maybe. I started working there in July and then by January 2020 I had quit due to discrimination against employees/families happen right in front of my eyes, so one day on my lunch break i just decided not to go back.

After quitting that job, I started working at another preschool that was about 10-15 minutes away from my old job I just quit. I got the new job towards the end of January 2020. Here we are in mid-February and people was already quitting due to a situation that happened prior to me even joining the team at this new location. I started learning that this place had been on the news due to a child passing due to chocking off some cheese that was given to them during snack time after their nap. I found that information disturbing and decided to look for other jobs and was going to quit.

Before I could quit like I wanted to, COVID-19 had risen in numbers causing schools and major businesses, restaurants, etc. to close. With the whole world on lockdown "punishment", with limited to do besides stay inside with family, numbers were on the rise. My job that I recently got was still open unfortunately. However, I decided to not show up after learning a child and his family had been around a family that could possibly been affected by COVID. When I heard that, I made the decision to not work and was going to contact my supervisor and let her know how I felt but weeks later they had closed down.

Around May 2020, they wanted to open back up since things were starting to open back up and at that time I just wasn't feeling it to be around kids under these circumstances. Instead, I started working at a call center. I enjoyed it but later quit because I was getting unemployment and not only that someone had gotten sick and showed up to work and I wasn't sure what they had and since that day, I never went back.

Since then, I've found myself healing from all the things that's overwhelmed me for that past decade or so. I removed myself from a toxic relationship that wasn't growing any further than what it did. Recently, I learned that I was pregant with this person's child but ended up having a miscarriage due to toxicity and stress. I remember one morning waking up and all of a sudden I vomit and even took a pregnancy test because my cycle didn't come when it was supposed to. One day while I was in the shower and when my cycle finally decided to come on, a big clot of blood had came out and I honestly had no idea that I had a miscarriage. I never told my ex what I know now because we're no longer together and at this point I've officially moved on. And I certainly don't want to rekindle anything because that relationship drained me to the core.

With COVID being the topic of discussion, to me really being lost in the world, 2020 helped me to redefine myself. Everything that I've been through I faced through 2020 and today I still face but with a different attitude because of the growth I'm enduring.

Also during this time in 2020, late September my family had to move from the Westside to the Eastside due to renovations being done on the townhomes we lived in. In which I'm really hoping and praying that we can move back to the Westside because it's just too much to be driving all around the world when everybody work (except me) in different areas that away from home on the Eastside. The Eastside is where my grandmother lived ever since I was born and we moved to the Westside. Being back on the Eastside makes me feel like I'm reliving my childhood days in some way. But I really hope we move back to the Westside and that way I can redirect my focus on myself once I know my parents are in a better situation.

Anywho, things ended with me and my ex back in October 2020. During this same time frame but late October 2020, someone randomly followed me on Twitter. I go to ther page and see that we have a few mutuals, cool. For some reason, I found myself on this person's page scrolling longer than expected and had a feeling that they were going to hit me up. Days later, either the day before or the day of Halloween he messages me on Twitter. We've been talking ever since and the vibes and my energy is in a much better space.

Although, I do feel like I'm still guarding myself but I do eventually want to speak on how I feel when it comes to this new connection that I have with this new guy. My mind wonders and the at times my past do pop up in my head but for me I honestly sense a different, yet positive vibe from this new guy that I haven't had in a while. The guys I've dated have all wronged me in the sense of betraying me, they broke my heart, and for sure tried to break me as a person but I'm still standing.

Since meeting this new person I've been able to accomplish a lot more now than I could have before. I'm my own motivaton true enough, but the fact that when I share my ideas, accomplishments, progress, or whatnot, he supports it. I'm not looking to be saved but I feel at peace and happy with where I am, who I talk to, and where I'm headed.

I feel that I found me again throughout the madness that has been thrown my way. I'm relearning, redefining, redirecting, refocusing my energy on myself and making myself a priority before doing things for others. This journey I'm on isn't going to be easy and I know that.

I've been working on a vision board that I was able to completely finish when I went to the Getaway Cabins in Georgia. Ever since, I've been working on projects/tasks to complete and really take action for the Fall season.

With all that I know, I plan on creating the life that I desire that makes sense to me. This world is full of ignorance and we're all guilty of playing a role in society when it comes to principals, morals, values, beliefs, etc. We've allowed things to go on for so long that's not ok, to the point where it's ok when it's really not.

With all that I know now and continue to learn along the way, I've been working to put my life back in order. My progress hasn't been drastic but every effort I make counts and I see the progress that I'm making along the way.

Being that it's the month of August, I plan on changing things up a bit before the fall season gets here. I plan on starting my weight gain journey this month, hopefully August 11th or 15th. I plan on cutting my hair August 12th. I also plan on quit smoking during this month as well to start my sober journey.

In between time, I'm also trying to create space to do things according to the seasons, moon phases, and astrology. The life I want is bigger than what the world has to offer today. Don't get me wrong, man-made holidays are cool, but what fun is it when you only get to celebrate them once a year. For me, I want to take these man-made holidays and incorporate them monthly, year round. For instance, New Year's is January 1st, so every 1st of the month I would set out goals to accomplish for that month. In February you have Valentine's day on the 14th, so every 14th of the month do something pertaining love. Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday towards the end of November, so every third Thursday do something that shows thankfulness. I want to be able to celebrate every holiday every month throughout the year and not just once a year.

Yes, we've been exposed to many things in this world. However, the world I see isn't what the world that everybody else's see and that's ok. Once I start living the life I'm creating for myself, hopefully others can incorporate it and implement it into their lives as well.

I'm still fighting battles here and there, but I'm making progress at the same time. Like I've said at the beginning, things hasn't been the same since 2019. The question we have to ask ourselves now is that - are we better with going back to normal, or do we get comfortable with the uncomfortable and adjust to the changes but applying only what reonates and fits our life as we see fit? It's easy to want to go back to how things used to be, but the reality of it is that we're not. Things are changing and things are continuously moving forward, all we have is memories.

My ultimate goal is to create new memories that are meaningful to me. Noth that old memories aren't meaningful , but to see things from a different perspective with a different mindset is everything.

As I continue on my journey, I plan on accomplishning more things for the month of August that's going to push me to follow through for the Fall season and moving forward.