Dear...

Dear Anger,

Dude ... you really need to chill. You show up at the most inopportune times. Sometimes out of nowhere. I mean really, there's no need for your behavior. Yeah I get it, you think your actions are justified but are they really? You need to stop behaving so badly. It makes you look like a real shitty emotion. Like you can't control yourself. I know you are better than that. You show up over the littlest of things sometimes and cause me to say things I later regret. That's just not fair to me. Remember when you got me so upset because the laundry wasn't done, that I didn't speak to the boys for 2 days? WOW you are truly selfish. It wouldn't have even gotten that far if you had minded your own business. I think you need to keep yourself in check and the next time you choose to pop up out of nowhere and puff out your chest, you need to channel all that energy into something else. Get a hobby ... go meditate or just chill by yourself. Turn all that negative into a positive. Because honestly, I won't keep looking like an asshole because you don't know how to behave.

-Gail

Dear Fear,

This is my official f*ck off letter! You have wreaked havoc with me my whole life and something in my head screamed "NO MORE!". You have kept me awake for way too many nights and ruined a lot of my days. You have made it extremely difficult to interact with others and make friends. You have kept me from enjoying life. You have made me believe that nothing is safe. You haunt me and my dreams and I refuse to live like that with you. You need to stay away from me as you are no use to me. For too many years you made me feel weak when I knew I could be strong. You took that power from me and now I am taking it back! I will no longer let you control what I can and cannot do. I will no longer be afraid to take that next step or do what I think I should do. I control you ... you don't control me.

-Gail

Dear Guilt,

Today I am breaking up with you. I am cutting you out of my life. Like a cancerous tumor, you have done more damage to me than good. You have ruined my life! I am not asking you to leave nicely, I am throwing you out. You have made me feel useless and worthless for far too long. Once I felt a kinship with you because you were so much a part of my everyday life, now I feel nothing but disgust. You have always been that nasty little hateful voice in my head that told me I needed to always take the blame. To say "I'm sorry" for things that were not my fault. That voice that made me feel so badly about myself. The one that wouldn't allow me to look into a mirror and like what I saw. You are a hateful piece of shit! You destroy everything you touch but that everything will no longer be me. I have struggled with you for so long that I don't even remember who "I" really am. I lost me thanks to you and I am telling you that today .. .I am taking ME back. No longer will you have that kind of control over me. No longer will I cry over the past just because of you! I will no longer take the blame for the sick twisted games you choose to play with me. I am better than that. I am better than you! So take a hike ... get lost. Lose my name and number and don't show your face around here again. Next time I need to feel "guilty" for something I said or did ... I will find another emotion to use instead. Because it sure as hell will not be you!

-Gail

Dear Painful Memories,

I know this sounds blunt but you need to stay where you belong .. .in the past! You have no right to interrupt my sleep or my days. You have no right to come between me and the man I love. Stay out of my bed when I am trying to be intimate. If you think by showing me mental images of the men and women in my past who sexually abused me, when I am with anyone, is scoring points for your side, you are wrong! It stops now! I will tuck you so far away in the back of my mind that you will need a tool that hasn't been invented yet to get out! You should be ashamed of yourself. Doing that to me my whole life. Making it sometimes impossible to get intimately close because of your selfish, nasty behavior. Making me think that being a bad mom is hereditary. Believing that eventually everyone who loves you hurts you and leaves you. Making me think that everything that happened to me was somehow caused by something I did wrong. Go play your head games somewhere else. If you think you will be able to quietly sneak in at some point and ruin my life ... I will quickly have Love, Happiness and Peace jump you like a monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew and beat your ass into submission. Looks like the ball's in my court now bitch!

-Gail

Dear Sadness,

Hello my old friend. I am writing to tell you that I have broken up with your cousin Guilt. In case she comes to you whining. It really was for the best, she was kind of clingy. Good thing you are not like she was. If we are going to continue to live together we, #1 need a few boundaries. You are not allowed to wake me up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. It really does neither of us much good when you do that. I need my sleep and I really would rather wake up to a more positive emotion. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but you are a real bummer at the worst times. Now don't get me wrong, if I have a memory or there is a tragedy that is worthy of you, you will be the first to know. But don't overstay your visit ok? #2 no more pity parties! No one attends even with an invitation. I know you don't do it intentionally because I would know if you did, but they do us no good. #3 On those days where you feel like hanging around excessively... DON'T. My life is way too busy to deal with your tears all day. Anyway... just wanted to let you know that if we don't see each other a lot anymore... it' s nothing you did wrong. It's me trying to make things right.

Love, Gail

Dear Sorrow,

I think it's time we took a little break from each other. I don't want to stop seeing you completely but for now we should just be friends. I know we have been through a lot together but honestly... you are just too clingy sometimes. Sometimes I don't feel you have my best interest at heart. Unlike your sister Sadness, you hang around too long at times. I really do love my bed and the warmth and comfort it gives me but sometimes you are the reason I spend too much time there. When Charlie died you were my best friend and I do appreciate the time spent with you but 7 years have passed and it's time for me to take a vacation from you. Please don't take this personal as I am sure we may visit again from time to time but for now there is very little room in my life for you. Take care and every once in a while, try to smile. It really does help.

Love, Gail

Dear Happiness,

I know it's been a long time since we have visited and I surely do miss you. I would love to get together soon and revisit some of the good old days we used to have. How have you been? Me ... I am working on it. I have been thinking a lot about you lately. Don't for a moment think that I have forgotten you. Life gets busy and other emotions get in the way and we just temporarily lost each other. I have searched everywhere for you for the longest time. Social media was really no help although lots of sites told me where I "should" be able to find you but none of those were really YOU. There is only 1 you:)

I looked in local places but there was no sign of you. People offered to loan me their copy of you but it still wasn't "you". When I looked in the mirror this morning and caught a glimpse of you, I knew where I had to go. I started to write letters to all the different emotions I have. Some have been with me since childhood and others more recent. Some were very difficult to say good-bye to and others not so much. Lo and behold ... that's where I found you! It's nice to see you again. Do you remember the day the boys were born? Oh my ... we had so much to share that day. We were so close then. I know I have some explaining to do but you are very understanding. So bear with me as we hopefully find our way back to each other. It's a slow process so please be patient.

Much Love, Gail