Dealing with Loss

Losing a loved one, a parent, partner, child, a fur baby, your job, your home, a way of life, a relationship... all are losses we recognise as difficult experiences that produces a hole in us, and take us on an emotional journey of sadness, heartbreak, physical pain, and then hopefully healing and recovery.

With all that is happening around us at the moment (with Covid-19), the 'world as we knew it' will probably never be the same... change and loss is expected. It's how we respond to these losses - that is our biggest challenge.

Experiencing loss can shatter and create major change, especially when we are not expecting it. For example, when my first husband cheated on me, my life fell apart. I lost my identity, my close friends and some family members - it was heartbreaking and out of my control. Then when I lost my mum (at 76years) it felt like I lost part of my soul. The pain in my chest was unbearable. The strain on my body was gruelling but we were expecting mum to pass so the 'out of control' wasn't as evident.

Losing your job is another big life changing moment. Being made redundant three times I know the risk of how quickly you can spiral down. Our brain brings up fears around money, finding a new job, putting food on the table. Because our brain doesn't like uncertainty, it gets afraid. Understanding 'why' we are feeling uncertain and afraid is (more than likely) because of the words rolling around inside our heads. When we become aware of our thoughts it's amazing how quick we can change into a positive survival mode and get creative for the results. Fill our thoughts with good news, humour and things that we love, after all, our thoughts are our superpower!

Our state of mind is very important during these times. If we get dragged along with the doom and gloom of it all, we will create more of that in our lives. We need to stay positive and focus on a plan. A plan to get up, get dressed, show up, make the most of this (possible) pivot point in your life.

Believe you will be ok, not just think we will be ok, but really (deep down gut-feel) believe it.

So, what can we do for others - if someone close to you is suffering the loss of a job or a loved one, please don't think you are helping by telling them to 'Let go and get on with life, rebuild and start over'. These words are not helpful, just be there for them, be present. They may not want to discuss with you right now. Be there and ready for when their words do come. Just listen. No need for advice at this time. Sometimes silence is best, and give yourself the gift of putting yourself in their shoes for just a minute.

During my time as a Funeral Director, I was sent out to organise a funeral for a woman my age. It really hit me that I was still alive and she wasn't. She had three beautiful (adult) sons who sat with me around their mum's dining table. Their mum had served as a nurse until she took ill. The dreaded cancer fight finally took her life at 48! Those boys (men) suffered through the pain of watching their mum leave their worlds. There were no words that I could have said that could heal their grief. Expecting them all to be grieving in the same way is another misunderstanding. We all grieve differently and in our own time. Be mindful of this as we go through the next months.

And the 'Be thankful for the memories' ... yeah, that's not an easy at the time of loss... happier memories will come with time. Time certainly allows the pain of loss to fade gradually as we try and fill the hole. It's the smallest hint of a memory that will bring emotions flooding back in a millisecond. Years on, whenever I see a small framed elderly lady walking down the street, I immediately wonder if it's my mum... :(

It's how we deal with change that will make the difference - accept the challenge!

So, don't be afraid. Changes and loss is part of being human. If they are two of your most feared things, then challenge yourself often, both big and small. I do this with my husband all the time, he loves & hates me for it. I rearrange the lounge room furniture just to get him to accept change, it drives him crazy but works fabulously when I want bigger change for us... We have to work on it, it's not easy - even for those of us (like me) who love change, then Facebook changes to a new 'fresh look' - I freak out... I liked the old one, can't go back, it's lost, so I too have to transform and adjust!

Being afraid is human, understanding why you are afraid is Life Coaching. Brook Castillo.

Scales of Wisdom

www.michellespringett.com