Creating a Culture of Healing

Creating a new culture is harder than you think. Especially when the culture you’re trying to set requires radical honesty, acceptance, self-correction and vulnerability. All of which are things that we as humans naturally avoid.

We hate discomfort. We push against anything that we feel is going to threaten our sense of security. Whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. Even if what we’re pursuing is far better than what we have, our fear of what comes next often keeps us locked into cycles that if we’re honest, no longer serve us.

My desire and what I’ve been intentionally pursuing in all of my relationships is true healing. The kind where it gets a little messy and uncomfortable, but we all coming out shining, determined to be better and brighter than before. This wasn’t always the case though. A year ago, I would have been perfectly okay with “band-aid” solutions to my problems, both personally and within relationships. I’m not sure what changed. I just remember waking up one morning and deciding “fuck this”. I don’t want to live life with a half way broken, oozing, bleeding heart. I want to be happy. I want to be whole. I want to show up authentically as my best self and I want to be in relationship with those committed to the same way of living. At that moment, I realized that the only way to get from where I was to where I wanted to be, was to take a clear and honest inventory of myself and who I was being within my relationships.

That was difficult because a lot of what I unraveled showed that others weren’t the issue, I was. I was being a people pleaser. I was holding on too tightly to things and people who I needed to separate from long ago. I was too afraid of being independent and standing on my own. Although independence, self sovereignty and freedom were things I’ve always wanted, I was still holding myself in situations and patterns that kept me in my then current predicament because at least I knew what to expect. I knew exactly what would happen if I said yes to that codependent relationship, unfit job or harmful friendship. Yeah, I would get hurt, but it was a hurt that I was familiar with, therefore, I accepted it. Over and over again.

I needed to create a new inner culture. A culture that valued honesty rather than feeling good. One that valued self dependence rather than depending on others, and one that valued my thoughts, beliefs and perceptions rather than self abandonment. Being honest with myself and clearly deciding what I wanted was a great step. But, it was only the first step.

What happened next could best be described as a crappy show. I loss friendships, left jobs, cut off dead end relationships and completely changed how I was showing up in the world. It was painful because endings always are. Not just for me, but for those who were used to me being the person that they needed. Establishing boundaries is hard to do and to accept, but I did it nonetheless.

As a result, I was able to attract the things that I truly wanted, but that by saying no to what I didn’t want. I stopped saying yes to people and patterns that kept me entangled with my old way of being and I started giving my energy to people and new habits that aligned with the woman I was determined to become.

Looking back, I wouldn’t change any of that pain for the world. The lessons I learned are irreplaceable and the character I’ve formed is far more valuable than anything that anyone could have given me. Most of all, the woman I am today was birthed by the woman I was. I have great honor and respect for that version of me because she made a decision that changed my life.

For all of you who are wanting to create a new inner culture of healing, my advice to you first and foremost is to be strong and courageous. This walk takes guts and guns, you have to be ready and willing to lose all while truly believing that what is unfolding is happening for you and that you will

Second, embrace being radically honest with yourself at all times. It doesn’t stop there though, you have to accept your truth for what it is. We create change that will last when we do it from a place of acceptance rather than rejection. You don’t want to just change your behavior, you want to become a new version of yourself, that means accepting every past version of you as well.

Third, establish boundaries. If you need to heal, then you need to heal. There’s no shame in doing what you need to do for yourself, even if others disagree. I recommend establishing boundaries in a respectful way so that you have nothing to apologize for later, but you still have to do it no matter the push back you get... and you will get it. We have to remember that whenever you decide to change yourself and to establish boundaries, you are messing with someone else’s life experience as well. People have gotten used to you being the person that they were comfortable with and as I said before, we all resist change and discomfort. Love and bless those people, but from a distance. It’s also worth mentioning that the people who truly love and support you will not be offended or resist your boundaries. Those are good people, keep them.

Lastly, do the work. It makes absolutely no sense to go through all of the previous steps, just so you can remain that version of yourself. Level up. Go to therapy, journal, do your shadow work, find a trusted friend or community where you can talk honestly with others without the fear of judgment, find healers in your community and online who can assist you along your journey. The list goes on and on. Though the journey is long, we have to remember that if we don’t heal, we will continue to recycle old experiences because we are seeing through the lens of our wounds. I know that you want better for yourself and I’m here to tell you that the person you desire to be and the life you desire to live is accessible, just heal first. So that when you get your desires, you’re able to manage them correctly.