Crafting My Way to My Dream Job

Big scissors. Big ole scissors. Those big ole honkin’ scissors you see cutting ribbons for the grand opening of hotels, restaurants, railroads, or anything exciting and majestic. Where do you think they keep those scissors? Grand openings are a rare occurrence and one befitting a ribbon… even more rare. Do we think there is one pair that travels from New York to Miami to London gracing the world with their elegance? I tend to think there is, and do you know what that means? They have a caretaker. Someone who’s existence is dedicated to protecting them, making them shine, so they in turn, can make the moment shine even brighter – and that is my dream job.

Everyone wants to travel the world. See the grandest, most exotic creations man and God have to offer. What better way to travel than with a six-foot hard-sided suitcase holding the world’s largest pair of scissors? The plush red velvet insides protecting the gold-plated blades from scratches and ensuring they are always ready for duty. That suitcase might as well be a magic carpet. New exhibit at the Louvre? I’d be there. Addition to the Guggenheim? Front and center. The more exclusive, the more likely a ribbon is involved. Once that ribbon decision has been made, only a fool would settle for regular scissors, the best or nothing.

“But Kevin,” you say, “how do you get your dream job if you aren’t even sure it exists.” To that I say one thing – outwork everyone. My life has turned into one massive audition for my dream job. Scissors and ribbons. Ribbons and scissors. It is my job to know what I don’t know, then figure out how to know that.

You start with the ribbon. The ribbon has a unique relationship with scissors. Without the ribbon we’d have no need for scissors, so in some sense we appreciate the ribbon. But in reality, the ribbon is merely a stepping stone, a pawn to be tossed aside after a hard day’s work. The ribbon gets forgotten and the act of cutting it shines on for eternity. I study ribbons like Bubba studied shrimp. You have satin ribbon, felt ribbon, lace ribbon, mesh ribbon. You have floral ribbons, striped ribbons, plaid ribbons, solid ribbons. There are ribbons for weddings, ribbons for Easter, ribbons for Mardi Gras, and ribbons for baby showers. I’ve studied them all, I’ve cut them all.

As a certified ribbon expert, I moved on to the cornerstone of my future, the scissors. You don’t learn to drive in a Rolls Royce, so I didn’t start my training with a pair of Fiskars, instead I started at the bottom – plastic scissors made for children. If you can cut ribbons using child-proof scissors with the speed and efficiency of a full-time scissor escort, you’re well on your way to stardom. Calling the job a scissor escort sounds somewhat risqué, and to be honest, it is. There is something romantic about introducing some of the world’s most exciting creations. Once you’ve mastered plastic scissors you can move on to the more advanced varieties. Sewing scissors, crafting scissors, medical scissors, left-handed scissors, gardening scissors, and the list goes on. All unique and useful in their own right, and all capable of cutting ribbon.

My resume now contains ribbons expert and scissors expert, so what is left? Practice. Perfect practice to be clear. Cutting ribbons is a great exercise, but cutting ribbons as an opening to some place or event is true practice. So, my life has become a series of grand openings and historic events. My kitchen features rolls of lace ribbon to wrap around my morning cereal. Start the morning with a ceremony. Next to the toilet paper in my bathrooms? You guessed it, ribbons. Paper to be exact. I mimic hotels and wrap a ribbon around the commode to greet myself with an experience. I keep a satin ribbon around my car like those unrealistic Christmas commercials. You never know when you’ll be tested. As they say, you don’t have to get ready if you stay ready.

I know what you’re thinking. Sasquatch, Nessie, the Abominable Snowman – they all have a better chance of existing than the job I am describing. While you may meddle in “reality” I choose to focus on one word – chance. On the chance that this job exists, I’m the ideal candidate.

If this job doesn’t exist, which I will only consider as a possibility for this sentence, I believe a scissors juggernaut with the highest ribbon IQ on the planet will be just fine.