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Armpit Biters

by Kevin Alonzo Bratcher 4 months ago in parents

A Mother Always Knows Best

Armpit Biters is an odd statement on the surface, I know, but maybe you need to dig a little deeper. Honestly, it doesn’t get any less odd, but we’ll go there nonetheless. Before diving into the philosophical meaning behind such a declaration, let’s take it at face value. Can you even bite an armpit? A pit inherently means a void of some sort exists, not exactly tangible. You cannot bite a hole or a crevice, I think the same logic applies here. We’ll have to make the illogical leap together to move past the fallacies of the literal meaning.

Even if you could take a bite, in this farcical universe we’ve created, why would you want to? There couldn’t be less appeal. In the hierarchy of bitable bits, I think the armpit falls near the end of the list. Probably not the absolute bottom, but that’s a personal decision we all have to make as we map out our hierarchies.

Think about the act for a second. Does picturing someone attempting something so ludicrous make you laugh? Maybe a minor grin? Even the surliest of you bastards has to admit it is an insane image. I find myself mindlessly imaging the different approaches one might take. Is the bitee aware of the biter’s plans? If not, what kind of reaction does this elicit? Is there a support group out there for people who enjoy such an activity? Do they meet at the local coffee shop on Tuesday afternoons to discuss technique and exchange tall tales? I’ve spent way too much time mentally mapping out the best approaches and potential responses. I don’t recommend spending much time doing so yourself, it doesn’t lead to anything productive.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve spent so much time thinking about something I’ll never do and likely never witness. I’ll tell you. Growing up I played a number of different sports just like any suburban kid in the nineties. I tended to take things too seriously in an unhealthy, all engrossing way. Its fairly easy to get wrapped up in the flow of a game while on the court or field and lose track of your emotional balance. This happened frequently. To combat such a mindset my mother began whispering APB to me before big games or pressure-filled situations. I had no idea why or what it meant. After a game one night I asked her why she said that and what it meant – shockingly she said ArmPit Biters. What in the hell does that mean? To this day I have no idea where she came up with such a saying, but she went on to explain the reasoning. The saying is so ludicrous and outrageous that the image and shock value will instantly confuse you, changing your mood. It is impossible to stay overly anxious or caught up in a game when your mom randomly whispers armpit biters to you. It snaps you out of the mental funk you are in as your mind wanders into this idiotic universe.

If anyone heard her saying APB, she’d simply brush it off saying “angels provide blessings,” a pretty nondescript thing a mom might say. Probably an odd thing to say at a baseball game, but significantly more normal than the actual meaning. It became a little inside joke that would help calm my emotions when things got tense. I’m retired from sports now (a forced retirement like most of us “retired” athletes), but APB has lived on in my daily life. A stressful work call, running late for a flight, an anxiety producing social situation can all instantly be made less concerning with a quick mumble of APB. A chuckle and a smile snap you back to reality. If you’re like me you might go down a rabbit hole chasing the literal meaning and waste a significant portion of your day, but its not a stressful rabbit hole, and that’s kind of the point.

Life can be serious at times, but we often make it more serious than it needs to be. Next time you’re stressed about a meeting or cramming for an exam, think about a random guy trying to bit another random guy’s armpit. Maybe don’t say it out loud, but then again Angels Provide Blessings.


Kevin Alonzo Bratcher

My girlfriend said I couldn't use Marcus Twainey as my pen name.

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Kevin Alonzo Bratcher
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