Coping with Feelings of Uncertainty and Worthlessness During These Hare Times

If you asked me how I was a few months ago, I would have replied “I am mess.I haven’t felt this anxious since middle school, and my depression is getting worse. I really don’t know why because nothing is different. I still live the same life I lived a year ago, but I am beginning to have problems now.”

So, about a month ago, I asked myself, what changed?

Some of you may say that it’s because of the quarantine. Numerous amounts of people, even some people I know personally, have had symptoms of a mental health crisis. Some people get depressed or anxious, others get irritable, and angry. However, no matter what type of symptoms they are having, they all negatively impact their mental health.

I would like to point out, I am a special case. Since my diagnoses in May 2019, I have basically been on quarantine. When I was first diagnosed, I would barely leave the house, unless I had to. Every day, I would read a book, and have it completed within a few days. I also did art projects as well, such as diamond dotz. I was perfectly ok with this. I actually thought it was kind of awesome because I could do whatever I wanted, not get yelled at by a boss, and learn new things at the same time.

A year goes by, and I slowly become miserable. As a person living with cancer, there is so much uncertainty, which includes uncertainty about the life span, uncertainty about the medications, and uncertainty about the quality of life.

I began having fears about my ultimate death. As time flew by, I knew it was closer, which brought me more anxiety. I also began to wonder about my purpose, and I felt like time was running out.

Before my diagnosis, I interned 32 hours a week, and I was on my way to becoming a Medical Laboratory Technician (for those who don’t know, we are the people who run tests on blood, urine and stool to check for diseases. Seventy percent of the doctor’s differential diagnosis relies on tests like these.)

I was hired at a major hospital and I was going to start in a few weeks. I had everything ready, and I was about to save some lives. However, I could not even work one day, because of my diagnosis.

I have been unemployed for a year and a half. Now, this was a big change for me. I went from working full time, to not working at all. At first, I felt a sense of relief. However, as time went by, I felt worthless because I felt like my life had no purpose, and the uncertainty of living with cancer gave me a great sense of fear.

For some people during this pandemic, this has somewhat happened to them too. Maybe they have been laid off, or work less hours now. For many people, including myself, work gave a sense of purpose in my life. Even when I was working in the food industry, I felt like I was making a positive impact, because I was the one cooking a yummy meal for someone to enjoy. Not working can really mess with people that way because they feel like they aren’t doing anything meaningful anymore.

There is also so much uncertainty during this pandemic. People may ask, when will this be over? Will it ever be over? When will my life return to normal? Thoughts like these can cause great anxiety and unease in everyone.

So what can we do about this? What can we do about having uncertainty and the loss of purpose in our lives?

Begin by realizing the nature of life is change. We’re not going to experience this pandemic forever. Nothing in life is permanent, not even your sorrows (and this pandemic). When you realize this, you give up some control about the future. However, this loss of control can be liberating. For example, one can say “I don’t know how long this pandemic will be, but I will live my life the the fullest each day, do things that I enjoy, and cultivate a sense of purpose, and that’s all that matters.” Another example is one I say to myself all the time. I say "I may not know when I will die. It may be soon, or it may be twenty years from now. However, today I will live my life to the fullest, do things I enjoy, and cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Meanwhile, as we live during these troubling times, there are some techniques I personally use to help myself battle uncertainty and give my life meaning.

Start by finding something you really enjoy, and delve into it. It can be anything. For me, it is using essential oils to make things such as inhalers, creams, and oils. I find this both therapeutic, and fun. It gave me a sense of purpose again, because I know that one day, I might sell these products, and help people.

By figuring out what you enjoy, and what brings a sense of meaning to your life, will help you overcome feelings of worthlessness.

Can you think of anything you love doing? Good, do those things. However, if you can’t think of anything, try something new. This not only empowers you, but it can bring new interests to your life. Maybe you have never tried a certain sport, or type of craft. I say, if you have any interest at all go for it. If you’re afraid you will suck at it, do it anyway. You’ll either 1.) Really like it and find a sense of purpose in it 2.) Suck at it, but know that every time you perform that task, you are improving yourself, which can also lead to a sense of purpose.

Another thing that I like to do, is self care. I have always been hard on myself, but these past six months have been some of the hardest. To be honest, I am my biggest critic. I would never talk to anyone like how I talk to myself. Maybe you can relate too?

One technique is to talk to yourself like you are talking to a family member or your best friend. Would you tell your grandma she’s fat and ugly? If not, then why are you telling yourself this? By changing your thoughts from negative to positive, it can change your attitude, which can change your emotional well being.

I know this is easier said than done, but there are many ways one can change thoughts from positive to negative. One is to stop labeling(calling yourself gross and fat), and try not to think in terms of black and white (calling yourself gross and fat because you ate a whole cake). Re frame your thoughts, so they are positive or neutral. For example instead of saying “I’m so fat and disgusting for eating that whole cake” say “I might have eaten a whole cake, but that is just an action. It does not define who I am, nor my character. It is just simply something I did, and it is neither good nor bad.” . Another example is instead of saying “I am worthless because I can’t work” say “I might not be working right now, but I can cultivate a sense of purpose in my life until this pandemic is over. I will live each day trying to better myself, and that’s all that matters.”

Also, take time to do self care. If you need to take a nap in the middle of the day, and you have time to take a nap, do it. Even better, schedule time out of your day to practice self care. I do this by scheduling out a portion of my day to do fun things, do a guided meditation, make an essential oil blend, or go for a walk. Self care is not optional, it is essential for well being.

Lastly, stay away from things that increase negative thoughts. For me, it is social media, and the news. I try to limit myself from these activities, because I know how they make me feel. Do you know of any activity that makes you feel worse after doing it? If possible, limit your use. By doing this, you can also add more activities to your life that create positivity.

It has been a month since I started incorporating these life style changes, and I am starting to feel better already. It is a slow progress, but it is working for me. I hope that you will feel better too if you choose to try some of these techniques.

Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful day.