Conquering My Fears

This week I stepped completely out of my comfort zone in search of myself and some place to belong. I have always had confidence issues and felt lost. I have always had friends, some of which I consider family, but my "tribes" died off a long time ago. The high school tribe moved onto college and new adventures. My "punk" tribe divided up and grew apart as we started families and careers away from the area. I love my friends, but I crave a place to really belong. With all of my weird and awkward ways, my tattoos and bright blue hair, I want to find the place where I belong.

When I had my son, I lost myself and a lot of friends. I was a party girl. I went out to have fun and forget responsibilities. Soon, I was a full time at-home mom and wife. After my son was born, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety. It's been a very harsh six years mentally, not knowing where to go next. I love my titles as mom and wife, they are a part of me that I never knew I needed, but I long for a title of my own.

This brings us back to the beginning, stepping out of my comfort zone. In 2010, I attended a car show outside of Phoenix, Arizona. I have a passion for old Mopars. At that show was a female roller derby league. I wasn't instantly drawn to them. Every single woman had her own style and radiated her own personality. I wanted to know them and I wanted to be one of them. I was asked by one of those ladies to consider joining their league, but I was too scared and never followed through.

Four years later, I had moved back to Ohio, gotten married, and given birth to my son. One day, I came across the roller derby league in my area and again, I did not follow through. I was scared, lonely, and as mentally unstable as I had ever been.

This week, I saw a flier from the same derby league in my area announcing recruitment for new league members and volunteers to help out. Again, I reached out. This time, one of the ladies responded within minutes. Towards the end of the conversation, I was invited to a practice. Going into this, I had no intentions of setting foot on skates. I told them I would do anything they want, except skate. I went, I drove straight to that practice, walked right in the door, and soon realized I was exactly where I should be.

I do not know what is going to come from this one visit, but I do know that I am going to continue to fight against my fears. I know that I am going to be at the next practice, and that I will be showing up to as many events and practices they will allow. I know that I found other woman who are different and the "misfits." I also know, as hard as I try to fight it, I will end up on a pair of skates, and I will fall, I will hurt and I will cry. It doesn't matter. Taking the first step and pushing right through that fear gave me a natural high and the determination to find my inner badass again.