Codependency

Back when I was trapped in my codependent friendships, I felt that I was doing way too much work, which is why I dumped the ex in the first place. An ex friend was busy relying on me (female), to meet all of her needs. I wasn’t getting much in return. I was all too willing to help her at first but then I realized just how very manipulative she was being towards me. This is why I dumped her as a friend. I was busy letting her continue her self-destructive behavior. I was raised in a dysfunctional and ill family, of course. This is why it went that far. I have massively low self-esteem I’m working on. I’m terrified of moving to Los Angeles and starting school, and being so overwhelmed by my feeling of inadequacy that I start drinking again. I feel guilty about feeling good because of my medication while my family doesn’t do medication at all.

They have no idea how much that makes me worry about them. This is a codependent thing, worrying about things you cannot control. The time has come for me to make real money, to make a job for myself, to sell my business plans. I have learned to quit people pleasing since I do not have the energy right now to say yes to much of anything. I will not sacrifice my own needs to accommodate other people. I have much better boundaries but I can’t say the same thing about my family. This is why I’m starting the search for business partners. I’ve also decided that baking is a real job, a job I would enjoy, and that I would have fun with it. I also like the idea of getting into security but this is for when I’m truly well and able to drive again. I’m looking for normal and positive friends who I can stand being around. Those who talk more to others are fine since I’m very shy, and not always able to make small talk. Thank god for medication-induced shyness though because I do not have to be manic all the time anymore. I know to check in with myself since I used to have agoraphobia, but now that symptom is taken care of. I used the emotional freedom technique to deal with my agoraphobia and my anxiety. I do not want to be overly reactive to other people’s feelings. I’m also done caretaking for my mother.

I refuse to be friends with my ex-friend because she did not take my advice, yet I felt like I had to keep on helping her. I don’t want to be as bossy as I had to be with this “friend,” and I refuse to be around my controlling family. They can’t control themselves, so they try to control me. I’m trying to make friends where I communicate my own wants, needs, and feelings. I do not have a severe denial complex unlike my mother who has spawned satire with hers. Painful emotions do not necessarily run my life because I take my medication in the present. In high school, I had no medication. That was terrifying daily and I’m really traumatized from that, but nobody in my family seems to care. That was deliberate deprivation of treatment just so I’d suffer properly. They’d pick on me for my symptoms, which is something I can’t help. Narcissists are simply like that. Eventually you know what will hit the fan though. Something will eventually give. Drinking is simply not a good way to cope with mental illness, it is self-medication. Hanging on to my resentment only hurts me, so I can let it go, and not be attached to heavy emotions about my past anymore. I decided to stop drinking and I choose to stick with that decision, even if I have to avoid people who may jeopardize my health by expecting me to drink.

Works Cited

https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/