Cheated on? How to eliminate the intrusive thoughts

One of the really common problems that I see with my clients is dealing with intrusive thoughts from when they were cheated on. They are thinking about the affair taking place over and over again. And they ask, how can I get rid of these thoughts?

So this is a really quick guide on some exercises that you can do to help deal with that pain.

So first, why do intrusive thoughts exist? Oftentimes it was the result of finding texts, finding images, pressing your partner for details, or maybe even just walking into something that you saw yourself.

And so whether it’s a memory or more of an imagined memory, you’re putting the pieces together in your own head.

A quick warning

Sidebar: this is why I say don’t press your partner for details is because it can create these memories that then won’t leave you alone. You don’t need to create those problems for yourself. But we do this because we think more knowledge equals more healing. But that’s really not true. One of the big things you have to recognize is that healing will come from addressing the root problems within you. So when you get cheated on, when you have that trust broken, it often brings up insecurities that you have about yourself, questions about whether you feel lovable, beliefs about the world, feeling like the affair was your fault, all these different things that could go on and on. And so the focus has to be internal.

How to deal with the thoughts: initial thoughts

But how do we actually deal with the intrusive thoughts? We’re going to look at two specific methods. And first, though, you need to understand that the problem isn’t so much that you keep thinking about it. It’s not like the frequency of the thought is the main problem. It’s the fact that every time you do think about it, it’s so painful. So we need to make the thought itself less painful. And part of what makes it painful is that you resist it, and whatever you resist tends to persist. So part of what we’ll do in these exercise is a combination of both facing the memory and the pain, and then letting it go. It’s almost like we’ll apply a numbing cream to your own mind so that it’s not as painful when the memories do come up.

Intro Exercise

An intro exercise that we’re going to do before the two main ones is feeling bad on purpose because you have to believe that you are in some control of how you feel. And so this is designed to prove to you that you have some control over how you feel.

So start off by intentionally calling to mind whatever the intrusive thoughts are that you’re hoping to stop thinking about so much.

Alright, you got it? Actually do this! It’s not worth reading this if you’re not going to actually follow along.

Now, whatever that image is, make it bigger. Imagine the image in your mind. Now imagine that image is just larger than it was before.

Notice the brightness of the image and make it even brighter than it was before.

And then as you do that, feel the emotions get bigger as well. As the image gets bigger and brighter, the feeling gets bigger and brighter.

In addition, imagine that there is a volume dial in front of you, like on a radio or something. But instead of controlling the volume, it’s controlling the intensity of the emotion. And let’s say it goes from zero to 10. Zero is like you don’t feel anything. Ten is it’s as if you’re there and it’s fully real. Let’s say that right now it’s like at a six or seven. Go ahead and just play around with turning it from a six or a seven up to a seven, eight or nine. No need to go crazy with it. No need to try to make yourself feel awful. But just notice that as you turn that up, it’s as if you feel the pain going up just a little bit.

Okay, now put it back to where it was originally, starting with the first half of this, the image, put it back to the size it originally was, the brightness, put that down as well. And then with a dial, turn that back as well. Try not to make it feel better than before, not yet. So now, exercise one is to minimize the feelings.

Exercise 1: Minimize the Feelings

So did you notice that as you changed the qualities of the memory in the last exercise, the feeling changed? Brighter and bigger = more intense.

So it stands to reason that if you make it smaller and dimmer, it would do the opposite, it would make it less intense.

So think of the memory.

Now make it dimmer, make it smaller, make it black and white.

And then instead of seeing it through your own eyes, see it from a third person view, like there’s a hidden camera somewhere.

And then if it already was third person, put the camera back further, see it from further away.

In fact, keep walking back and sending the memory away until the memory is so far away, you can barely see it. It’s like a little speck on the horizon that disappears into the sun.

Feel free to do this a couple of times so that you begin to anchor it into your nervous system so that when you think of it, it automatically starts to shrink down and disappear.

Second Exercise: Scramble the Feelings

Think of the memory again. Now identify the beginning of the memory and the end of the memory.

And when you think of the beginning and the end, don’t think too literally about it. Think of it more in terms of, “Where did the pain start? Where did the pain end?” And by end, it probably didn’t completely end. But as far as this particular thought you’re trying to get rid of, think of where that one has some closure.

Now, what you’re going to do is just play it like a movie, from front to back, from beginning to end. And you don’t have to have every single event in between, obviously, especially if it’s stretched out over a couple of days or weeks or months. But just the main highlights that were painful, just play it from beginning to end.

Now, that was mainly to just establish the timeline.

Now play it in reverse from the end to the beginning, like a cartoon. Just imagine it going backwards and people are walking backwards, and their words sound funny as it goes backwards. Do that from the very end all the way to the beginning.

Now play it from the end to the beginning, five times in total, each time, making it run a little bit faster, getting a little bit more blurry because it’s going so fast.

And then once you get to around the third or fourth playback, have it start flashing black and white over it, so that you can barely even see what’s going on.

It’s going backwards, it’s fast, there’s this flashing.

Again, you can do it multiple times if you need to.

Final words

Quick disclaimer, this isn’t going to just automatically fix all your pain and traumas, but it can definitely make the trauma less painful to process.

Second, this definitely won’t work unless you do it.

And then lastly, this can be difficult to piece together on your own, especially if this whole going inside your own mind to deal with your problems is new to you. So let me know if you’d like a guided meditation specifically about dealing with intrusive thoughts about an affair, and I can just make a track that will guide you through a lot more slowly, methodically with some calm music in the background.

If that would be helpful, please let me know.