Chasing Greatness

I've always wanted to be great. For some reason, I've always thought I would be. For quite silly farcical reasons albeit. All of my immediate family members were born in a year that is a multiple of five, save me. Both of my siblings married someone whose name starts with the letter A, and when I take my vows in less than 2 weeks time, it will be to a wonderful young woman named Sarah. It is all a bit silly, isn't it? To look upon these mild and unrelated differences as if they mean something? To forge out of them some sort of significant meaning of life, the universe and destiny? And it is. It is quite silly. It is a ridiculous notion that any one of these could be the reason why I've felt the way I did.

Greatness. Such an odd thing. Without qualifiers the greatness could manifest in some sort of horrible atrocious way. I could become the greatest criminal that ever lived. Not really something I aspire to. I could be the greatest failure to ever live as well. Again, not something I really aspire to. So, greatness...what of it?

I believe I was in error in wanting greatness, or rather greatness is not what was sought. Rather a legacy that I could be proud of. After all I've done and seen, I doubt I'd be content on my deathbed if it turned out to all be for nothing. And truthfully as much as I enjoy entertaining people, I would be unabashedly ashamed and regretful if I were to be the focus of whatever legacy I left behind. It seems odd, doesn't it? To want to do so much good and to want to leave something lasting and profoundly good, yet not have the focus dwell on you. I'm not sure if everyone else feels the way I do, because I've never asked. But it has always confused me. When I sit in the silent moments, I'm curious as to how I can do the most amount of good for others, set my family up to be financially stable, and remain as anonymous as possible. Quite the conundrum, at least for me. If one of you has the secret answer as to how I can accomplish those three things simultaneously I'm not sure what I'd do, but it'd be drastic.

The point I'm driving at I guess...and I'm not really sure, I'll leave it for my editor to figure out what I'm driving at, is that if you truly want to be great, if you want to leave a legacy...then you cannot look at either as worthwhile goals. You have to look at what you're doing as the ultimate goal. More important to me than any fame or notoriety is the good that can be done.

I don't want to be great, I don't want to leave a legacy, I simply want to do what I was put here to do and not even entertain the slightest hope that it becomes known. I want to find the good I can do in the moment, and execute that. Certainly I have want and desire for certain things, but chasing greatness is a sure fire way to ensure that it is never found. Working to ensure there will be a legacy that lasts after you've left this earth will require such an immense time commitment that you'd never enjoy life for the moments of beauty that it offers, if only fleeting.

What do I hope for? I hope to ease pain. I hope to be a friend to those that are in need of one. I hope to provide shelter to someone in need. I hope to be strong for my wife and family. I hope to be a good example for them as well. I hope that I find the right balance in innumerable dualities. I hope that ultimately the time spent here is not wasted, not taken for granted and not abused. I hope to be great to people, not for people. I hope to be great to my son, not just a great father.

I hope this is sinking in because I feel as if it requires a bit of nuance to get the point that I'm really driving at. When we put these things on a pedestal, ideas of greatness or legacies, I feel like no matter how good the intention, how noble the cause, we are blinded to the here and now where life is happening. The more we chase these ideas the further they get from us. The more we focus on what we are doing now...being great might mean giving your child discipline when they need it, or it might mean encouraging them after a tough loss. We chase the greatness and we miss the miracles happening right in front of our faces and I just cannot stand the me of yesteryear who so selfishly wanted those things. A legacy, greatness...such shallow and pitiful goals for the future when you could be making someone else's life great right now...

So what is the point John, full of angst and what have you...why ramble on somewhat incoherently for these paragraphs of seemingly contradictory wants and desires and retractions? I don't know. But I think the point I'm trying to make...I think you just have to want to make other people's lives great. And that has to be the sole focus, not becoming great in the process.

I think I had to write all of that to tell you the simple wisdom I learned in high school which should have carried me through had I been keen enough to really understand and listen, and not just listen but to truly adopt the mindset that I am just now unlocking.

"Do what's right and do your best. Let winning take care of itself." - D.W. Rutledge