Change Your Life by Changing Your Mind About Yourself

I didn't have enough.

Once again, I was sending follow-up emails to guys who had shown interest in my dating site profile. Once again, I included full-length photos with those emails, in contrast to the headshot that accompanies my online profile.

And, days later, my inbox was a ghost town.

Did these people not know how bold it was to set up a profile in the first place? I was twenty-six years old and I had less than ten days in my life - including my top prom, from which I could take a new person.

I was overweight for 20 years and had just lost 50 pounds. I was still overweight but in better shape than when I was older. And yet it wasn't good enough.

As soon as these once interested people passed my humorous, self-deprecating profile full of wonderful phrases such as "you like to cook," "enjoys watching football," and "can quote The Godfather" and see me go, they remember no matter how much a girl likes to watch. sports or can cook breakfast for Sunday - as long as he is "fit and athletic."

My self-esteem was low rather than low. This was as bad as the neglect on my face in bars and parties.

I felt that I had to apologize for my appearance. “Hello, I'm sorry I'm overweight, but I'm a really good person! And I've spent a lot of time improving my sense of humor while others go out and date! ”

I'm not sure what finally put the switch on my head, but I do remember the date the button was released: March 7, 2006.

I didn't have enough. I realized (somehow, for some reason) that I didn't need to apologize for anything.

That there are a lot of girls who looked like me and were able to find love for themselves - they were able to live life despite the words in their head trying to tell them they were not allowed.

I was angry, both in the world and in myself for spending so much time feeling sorry. Like I should have gratefully accepted any small crumbs thrown my way.

So I walked away angry. And I took that rant and went to the base of all that liquid about the internet.

Yes, I went to Craigslist. Hey, why not? I had nothing to lose at this time.

I wish I had saved that trick because it was gold. I joked about nameless men who would inform me without saying the word that I was wrong when they looked at the full pack. I called you just as I had seen you, with all the vitriol I could handle.

I then announced all over the world that I was wearing a 14/16 size, and that anyone with a problem with that would not bother to waste my time.

I wrote down the same qualities I had listed in my dating list, and asked if my size was really important in the face of everything I could offer. My jokes, my ingenuity, my hatred for TV reality, my love of old-fashioned movies, the crazy crazy music collection of sixty years, crazy cooking skills… did my size matter with all that, really?

I may even have called myself a “catcher.” I don't know, it all became a blur after a while.

And to my great surprise, my inbox exploded with answers. Most of them were removed immediately - you know, vaginal pictures and all that. (Craigslist will always be Craigslist.) Some were incomprehensible, so I passed them very quickly, too.

But one answer… one answer caught my eye.

The boy could spell and know how to use punctuation. He seemed warm and friendly and intelligent, and he appreciated what I was saying. That he loved to cook earned him points too. (Moms, I think we can all agree that we get a little angry about a man who knows his way to the kitchen - men, listen!)

I knew immediately that if nothing else, the boy and I would become best friends. What I didn't know at the time was that I was going to marry her in September 2008.

You see, I now know that when I made the decision to start behaving that I should have liked - without apologizing, with no restrictions - it was a time when Space was very breathless and said, "Finally."

That's when you called me nice every day since we first met and found me. Things started clicking within minutes of publishing that post.

For years I thought everyone saw me the way I saw myself: fat, unattractive, nothing. I know now how deep my self-esteem was, and I wish I could go back and wrap up that old version of mine.

That kind of thinking is a vicious cycle - when you think you are worse, the more you isolate yourself, the more you make yourself feel worse.

All I had to do was change my mind about myself, about what I deserved, about what I was willing to accept from others.

Bonus: Because I was completely immature - traumatized, polite, intelligent, sarcastic - I attracted someone who liked those qualities and had no choice.

If you’re in a situation where you feel like you have to change yourself to balance, or like you have to put up with someone else’s filth because you can’t do better (either in a relationship or job), change your mind.

Know that it is only your insanity, the false self-deception that is trying to keep you young and quiet — and that is understandable, because your ego wants to avoid getting out of one limb and possibly getting hurt.

But you should ignore that scary word and start talking and living your truth anyway. And as soon as you put yourself there, your life will begin to change.

This doesn't have to be anything on the epic scale - there are no Lifetime movies-of-the-week here. It can be as simple as putting a rant online, claiming your value, and declaring that you have a good sense of "less than."

You will probably begin to exercise some self-control when it comes to talking about yourself and others.