Cake and Failure

And why couldn’t I do every last thing I dream of doing? The idea sounds so exceedingly simple – a train huffing faithfully along the tracks of “don’t stop believing” – and yet simultaneously sounds preposterously lofty. Absurd. Outlandish. Poppycock.

But why?

There are no limitations other than the ones that I set for myself. In how many other ways could this be proven? There are plenty of examples of people who have side-stepped these powerful, substance-less internal voices. And plenty more examples on nearly a daily basis of people who cross their arms and sit back and will tell you all day about precisely why all effort in any one direction is futile.

You are what you tell yourself, as I like to say.

But in spite of all the power that words truly do have, this is not, in itself, always enough to carry me forward.

I recognize that life isn’t linear. Boy howdy, do I ever. All the time. Constantly. My Capricorn mind sure wants the climb up the mountain to be straight and efficient, but the Universe continuously pats my head and turns me to face the inescapable switchbacks. Out-practical-ing the practical goat. The nerve.

And so every now and then I find that I’m not at the top yet (what on earth would I do if I ever actually got there…), and so I plop my little wiggly tail down hard on the dirt and huff and bleat about how tired I am. How impatient. All this hard work, all this diligence – how could I possibly not be teetering at the summit already?

And then I remember – I’m a human, so I’m doomed to forget even the most profound lessons and things I’ve learned over and over again. There I sit bleating my heart out until the words of one of the great sages finally sing between my ears again. Oh yeah. Grasping. Don’t do it. Control is an illusion. Right. Enjoy the journey. What am I so frazzled about? This is the best part.

Okay, okay. So I’m getting better at not getting irritated with myself when I snap back to presence and realize I’m the only thing that has stopped me. Still forgetful, but I’m trying to improve that.

Sometimes I wonder of it’s just a defense mechanism. You know, the way that Fear can slip in and whisper “whoaaaaaa don’t,” and slap a big caution sign down. If it only happens because I’ve forgotten – again – to keep my sight on what’s right in front of me, and I lean back a little too far and look at the broader landscape of all the ideas I have. Big ideas. Many. Lawd, so many. And then I think, “how will there ever be enough time?” And, “where will I ever dig deep enough for all the energy that will require??” And, “oh my god what if one of them fails and it completely wrecks my self-esteem and I’m broken forever and I never get up again?!?”

Oh yeah. I forgot again. “Failure” is a fantasy word. There’s no such thing as failure (especially if you don’t tell yourself there is). Everything is a step along the path. Not to mention… I’m still here, so I’ve overcome every challenge that I’ve faced so far. Dang! And even more than that, I could never have faced any one of those challenges even one slightest most-nano-of-seconds sooner than when it arrived in front of me. You can’t prep for what you don’t know, you know?

And every single time, exactly what I needed for the task, even and especially the stuff I didn’t have before that very moment (or didn’t think I did), was revealed to me.

And then what about those times I did, eh… “Fail,” as we might have otherwise called it?

Oh. Right. Nothing ever granted me more growth and power than explicitly those times when I was made to pause and see what didn’t work. Did I die? Nope. Doesn’t look like it. I guess everything was alright. Would I give any one of those times back? Even the most harrowing of experiences I’ve ever survived?

Absolutely not. Not even the ones that took me to teetering on the absolute, abysmal brink. I don’t want to go back to who I was before I knew what I know now.

That me was still a good me, and I still send the memory of that me love, but that me just hadn’t yet gained the sheer capacity for compassion and empathy that I have now. And the most exciting part about that, to me, is that there’s no limit on how far I can grow this capacity. And I’ll be honest, I’m hungry for it. More please. Yes, thank you. Without fail, this has only gotten better as I go.

I’ve found with most things in life, the “some is good, so more must be better!” mentality is wildly unwise. But this is not one of those things.

So I get back up on my little hooves and I envision the loveliest of plates with a giant, magnificent piece of chocolate cake. Oh I fully intend to eat that entire piece of cake, and you better believe I’m going to. But even a wholly delectable piece of decadent sensory pleasure can only be conquered one bite at a time. No matter how big a bite you take. You really just can’t do it in any other order, or hasten the process. So you might as well slow down and enjoy alllll the sensations of the whole dang bite.

Omnomnom.

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Pro Tip: Your food (cake) tastes better when you look at it.