BUS ROUTE

Its probably a twisted fantasy; more than most daydreams… but sobriety does that to me. Living here has me existing in my consciousness. My mom constantly wanting to be praised and seen as the boss. Its fucking exhausting! I used to argue a lot more with her. Constantly needing to prove my point. Lately, I try to bite my tongue. Knowing she’s been worse… My dad, he’s a quiet, hard worker. Then my siblings also wary, with kiss ass agreements always in place. They thoroughly have zero back bone. Always in agreement. Even when it ruins their chances. I should have known to stay away. But it’s the only place I had left. I shouldn’t be annoyed of that fact but I am. It’s truly pointless to argue back with her. As I get older, her ways become even more obvious. Like what the hell do you think this is? Children are for life! Not just 18 years. If you couldn’t accept that responsibility, WHY DID YOU KEEP HAVING CHILDREN? Never the less, I continue to love, reflect, understand and forgive. My family must drive into town to buy food and goods. The stores are two hours away. I would literally have to tell them some bullshit excuse of why I’m leaving. When I’ll be back… it’s like being a child, living in your parent’s home all over again.

So, I sit aside and dream away details. Buying a bus ticket to two different locations. First place, Phoenix, Arizona. Driving from Gallup, NM. Through the Navajo Nation and desert eutopia with red rocks. Towards the forest that leads to Flagstaff. Down the curvy, dark roads, lined with pine tree woodland. Down deeper, past mountain ranges and Prescott valley’s; to sea elevation on the i-17. Always a foothill to be seen or left. Driving past the rolling desert filled with Cholla, Mesquite’s, Palo Verde’s and cacti! You know downtown is within the hour. Spotting the outlets of Anthem. Finally, you see the merging freeways. With entertainment spaces outside the exits. I feel the anticipation rioting inside my gut. The opiates are calling to my body. In such a familiar way. It’s like 2 years hasn’t ever gone by. I know this kind of nagging and excitement. Driving into the ‘Greyhound.’ Next to where all the fucked-up addicts live. I decide to check the different routes leaving for L.A. Heading to the cashier. Knowing ahead of time to plan out the night. I pick up my moderately used Victoria’s Secret Bag. Time to manifest a dealer. This has worked for me, randomly. I need the ones that can find me a ball of ‘Black.’ I walk outside, checking out the empty parking lot. COVID-19 still has people hesitant. I know I left while too many are still discussing it. I wanted the deals! Kidding… Plus, to be quite honest; something is calling me to California. Now, most of the west coast states are off lockdown. Still, their anticipating its return. Hearing debate, people asking, “what about after summer’s deathly heat, naturally killing it?!” Still, I believe the professionals mentioned with these kinds of temperatures in the south… it’s too hot here for it to thrive. We’re fine for now. Might as well go on some summer vacations.

Hmm… I started another internal justification. I could go on a short adventure; heading several streets down to hit up the usual spot. Maybe spend a few hours nodding out. Then, I’d leave out early enough in the wee hours. I watched the crystal-clear image leave reality. Those kinds of images; always end up happening. I arrive to the center of a small circular complex. I sit there in his home, holding my dealer’s newest catch. A lucky hit of brown power with a hint of rose. Just what I was anticipating. One of his girlfriend’s screeches from the kitchen. “Do you need a clean spoon honey?” I quickly reply, “Of course sweetie!” They all missed me and are playing nice with lots of questions. I answer them excitedly, telling them of my plans. They are all for an adventure. The questions die down as they watch me set up. Knowing it is time to take my medicine. Then, for me to concentrate and let go. I start to bend the straight side of the spoon. In a ‘half-way S curl.’ I make sure the bowl end lays slightly angled; aligning with the table. This ensures the spoon will stay upright, without your help. Pulling out my water bottle that’s always on hand. I fill my needle with water, transferring it inside the spoon. Quickly unfolding the brown batch. I watch the dime sized amount of powder, flouting above 100cc water. I flick my Bic; watching the water simmer to a boil. Engulfing the powder. I silently transfer my needle’s cover to stir the mixture. Using my sharp canines to snip off the end of a clean cigarette filter. Without thought, that’s thrown into filter any “bad cut.” I push the needle point inside the sponged-up ‘Black.’ Pulling back the plunger. Filling her with sweet nectar. Stopping at 95cc. Allowing enough room for blood. I can feel the hot heat of anticipation screaming at me to hurry. Go faster. I do, using my hair tie to bang one out in my crease too quick. My veins are fresh and popping again. I pull out the tip. Trailing along some drops of blood. I hurry and cover the tip. Less than a minute my mind warns. Throwing it inside my kit. Away inside my bag. I feel inside my bra secretly. Double checking, I put away the money. Knowing; I’m going to fall out. It’s been too sweet and long since I felt this eternal bliss. This safe space doing drugs was rare. It was nice having a black dealer trust you. Telling me to be safe and come back whenever I need more. I came back to realizing I needed to leave within 30 minutes… or search the next route. That’s something that never scared me. Was leaving somewhere alone. I felt too alone most my life. Not in the faddish sad way either. A REAL SADNESS. I got myself up to the bathroom. Taking an insanely quick shower while brushing my teeth. It was a while since I felt this stress. Somewhere to be. I gave my thank you and hugs while running out the door. I sped walked to the light rail. Feeling like one would be coming any moment. Every fifteen minutes. I hustled my way back to the station just to see the thirty-minute delay. I looked up to the sky, asking why He would play me like this. Shaking my head with a smile, I looked to their food selection. Seeing their restrooms signs. Deciding to shoot up one more time in there. All I did was run here without shooting up. It was TIME. Afterwards; I couldn’t even remember the word ‘stress.’ The world shimmered and danced with HERoin. I walked over to find breakfast bagels and coffee. Finishing filling up my tummy as my bus was being called for. We walked on with our bags. The sign read ‘LOS ANGELES.’ All of us inside beaming with a happiness and shine. It was part of our destination. Most of us going to visit family or friends on a mini vacation. We settled inside our own rows with the sparse buyers. I plugged up my phone, watching everyone excitedly chatter. Trying to decide if I needed to bang before falling back asleep. There was always some sexy ‘fuckboy’ sitting in my area. It never failed being on transportation. He was making eyes, making sure I noticed them. I did but I needed a little something ‘black’ first. Aha. Driving along that i-10 route in the dark. Always falling asleep during this part of the road-trip. He kept trying to impress me with his plans for L.A. I just listened. Taking everything with a grain of salt. Who knew the truth but him? I got tired after an hour. Cozying up in my row, falling asleep to listening to “Fine Line” album. Getting up in “Riverside.” Rubbing at my eyes. Seeing the gas-station we were taking a break at. Finally, time to grab snacks and start snatching my makeup. We all saw it. The wonderful edges of light catching the blue water. We drove along in wonder. Climbing along the edges of the highway. How lucky were we to be here? I was catching the sunrise on the west coast. The best coast. About to be spending the days on the beach. We were to the destination! Los Angeles; time to enjoy shorelines and blues clubs for a few days. With my favorite friend, Día-Morphine. She brought joy, happiness and confidence in uncertain times. Just what I needed for a spontaneous vacation!