Being Yourself

I may be in the minority, but regardless of that fact, I wanted to go ahead and talk about a topic I've struggled with over the years and only recently began to embody. The topic: being yourself.

Sounds crazy, right? Everyone is who they are. I'm me, you are you, the person who lives across the street, or in the apartment above you is who they are. However, coming from someone who overthinks on a daily basis, I've realized there's a simple way to enjoy most of my life. I act as myself.

Now, you may read that and think, "Well, why wouldn't you act as yourself?" That would be a fair question. In truth, though, my experience hasn't always been clear cut. I've never been the outspoken person, the giddy person, the excitable person in a group of friends, or at work, or when I'm out shopping. The truth is, for a while in my life I hated who I was. I was the oddball, the one who has different likes and dislikes than most people I've known, and it took me a long time to realize none of that matters. Again, none of that matters! Truly, I don't believe it matters.

In 2015 my anxiety got a solid grip on me. I was in the throes of darkness as I like to call it. I was having anxiety attacks daily, if not multiple times a day, and wondered if I'd be able to function in society at all. Going to the grocery store was a challenge because I'd have to see people I knew, talk to cashiers, and engage with people I didn't feel like engaging with. Going to school was a challenge because my mind was aware of everyone around me, the work I had to do for each class, and speaking in class was difficult because I couldn't form words in my own mouth. I wanted to run and hide every day.

At that time, I began to hang out with a few friends and my brother more, and then I found myself only doing what others wanted to do, what they wanted me to do, and not doing anything I truly enjoyed within myself. People began to see me as an overly-engaging, outspoken, nothing's-wrong person when in fact, I was the exact opposite. I was wearing a mask to appease them. I didn't want them to know the struggles I was facing within my own mind and for them to label me as some sort of mental freak. I am a mental freak. I will whole-heartedly admit that from now until I die. I am a mental freak.

So, what did I do? Well, I started saying something to myself every morning as I drank my coffee. "I'm my own person." I embodied that phrase after a few days. I started listening to the music I enjoy more often instead of listening to whatever my roommates or friends wanted to play--especially if we were in a group. I started watching more television shows--I have a love for horror, fantasy, anime, Western animation, and a little show called Expedition Unknown (I think it's on National Geographic here in the USA, and there are re-runs on the Travel Channel;) I started playing more video games; I started listening to the music I love around other people; I started writing more and people learned that it's something I love doing.

In doing this, this whole "being myself" thing, I made more friends than I ever did when I was following the flow of whomever was around me. I played music I loved around a good friend of mine (whom I met in 2018) and he in turn said he loved that artist as well. We continued to listen to other artists and found that our music taste is similar. Now, there are outliers between us--I expected that--but either way, I became more of myself having opened up to this man.

I had a poem published in the literary journal of the university I was attending back in 2018-2019, something none of my roommates knew about. Well, after that, my brother, the friend I mentioned above, and my roommates offered too many congratulations than I cared for. They were genuinely happy for me, though. They found a small piece of me and were constantly telling me to pursue the goal I have of becoming a published author of novels. I don't know if it'll happen, but I'm writing five days a week and loving/hating it. Those people realized something and in being myself, they were there to support me. I wasn't shying away from who I was or what I loved, and they embraced that that's who I am.

One day, I was watching anime in my bedroom and a friend came over to my house. I heard him knock on the door, and when I went into my room to grab something so we could figure out what we were going to do, the show I was watching was still playing. I'd forgotten to pause it. My friend said something to the effect of, "Still watching anime with the Japanese, huh?" I laughed and said I was, then told him about the song that plays during the opening of the show. We listened to it, and he repeated the song three more times because it was a rock song with a solid guitar solo. (That song is called "Hikari Are" by BURNOUT SYNDROMES...) After that, my brother came up from the basement and exclaimed that he liked that song, but that there was a better one: "Haruka Kanata" by Asian Kung-Fu Generation. At that point, my brother, friend, and I spent almost an hour eating Chinese food and listening to random music from different genres, languages, and artists.

From that day onward I was the anime-watching, Japanese music-loving, writing guy...and my friend became one of the best people I know. We talk to each other almost every day, rag on each other in different ways, and love each other like brothers. All of this because we spent a random few hours talking and listening to music and sharing what we love together. We know almost all there is to know about each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I made an "online friend" in January 2019 on a blogging site talking about anime. We ended up getting each other's Snapchat, Facebook, and Twitter info after a few months, and eventually created a small group of four people where we can all talk and laugh and enjoy ourselves. In November 2019 I traveled across the United States to attend a convention in the state one of those friends lives, and one of the others from our Snapchat group came as well. We'd never met in person, so it could have gone awry, but we'd all been talking at least five days a week in a group for about seven months. It turned out to be an amazing experience, and I definitely plan on going back to that convention again and seeing my friends in person. Rooming with one of them was actually amazing too, because we shared similar music tastes, enjoyed the same sports to a certain degree, and a slew of other things. "Online friends" can be real friends. I've even received gifts and well-wishes from these across-the-country friends on certain days, or when they know something's going on in my life. They check up on me and I check up on them. It's friendship.

The point I'm trying to make here is this: despite how you think people might perceive you, be yourself. Be yourself and everything will fall into place. I made some good friends after I opened up about my love for anime; and my music taste; and my love of writing; and food; and all the other stuff I have interests in.

Be yourself. People will come, you'll find people yourself, and things will work out. I believe too much energy is wasted on being someone you're not--in not enjoying what you like around other people, in trying to fit in with the likes and dislikes of others because what if you lose connections with most of them? Well, that's their loss.

How people see you is not an indicator of who you are and whatever they think is probably wrong anyway. The friend I listened to Japanese music with in the beginning of this post? I didn't like him the first time I met him. It took a while for me to open up and give myself and him a shot at communicating, but once I did, once I was myself and open about who I was and he was open about who he was, everything fell exactly where it was meant to fall.

So, be yourself. Let other's be themselves. If someone doesn't like you for who you are they're not meant to be in your life. If you don't like someone for who they are, well maybe that's your loss (I'm also saying this to myself.) Either way, we are who we are and nothing can change that. Nothing should change that.

In a "You vs How People See You" world: be yourself. The right ones will come along and stay.