Being Honest

A few weeks ago someone said something to me out of anger, but it has stuck with me and I need to resolve it. “Be honest with yourself” were the words which he spoke. So here I am, me, naked before you with all my honesty. Feeling very vulnerable but needing to say this. Please understand some things are difficult to admit and speak of but remember YOU asked for my honesty. So here it is.

I am by no means proud of some of the things I have done in my lifetime. Some were forced upon me and others were conscious decisions. I am not perfect although I do try to be my best. I have quite a few things I am so sorry for. Things I did were brutal and mean, dishonest and downright nasty. I have spent most of my life apologizing, even for things that weren’t my fault. It’s just a natural thing for me but at some point the words became just that...words. The reason for the words should be an admission of guilt of some form. I said it so much that I didn’t know when I was guilty and when I was a victim.

So years later in my life, knowing the difference now, I can say the words and put the correct meaning behind them. So here is my “honesty” . I can only say “I’m sorry” for my wrongs. The rest of the shit is not on me and I know that now.

I’m sorry...

for the pain I have caused to innocent souls

for hurting those who once loved me

for being selfish and uncaring

for making people cry over me

I’m sorry I hurt you

I pushed people away

for not trying harder to be a better friend

I didn’t love you the way you loved me

for the times I just walked away

for abandoning people in my life

for not being honest sooner

for the hearts I broke and the souls I crushed

I chose to be an asshole

I didn’t listen better

I ruined so many lives

I made so many people mad at me

I can’t seem to get truly close to anyone without hurting them

that I allowed the physical and emotional abuse to last so long

that I let someone convince me that I was useless and worthless

I didn’t love harder and deeper

I’m sorry for all the wrongs and all the mistakes and I know forgiveness doesn’t come easy, if at all but all I can do is say it.

Now there are 2 sides to every coin so here is the flip side…

I am NOT sorry…

For all of my life's experiences. For every moment I spent has taught me valuable lessons. I can honestly say I now know compassion and kindness. I know how important it is to love and be loved. I now know that some feelings and thoughts are better left alone. That some things just shouldn’t be said. That if I fuck up, I need to own that shit. I’ve learned a lot about the person I DON’T want to be. I have also learned that I am still human and make mistakes. When the day is done I want to feel good about myself. I want others to feel good about me too. I am a work in progress. I will have to settle for being perfectly imperfect. My past does not define me and my future has yet to be determined, until then I will live day to day. Doing the best I can. Each day is an adventure in this journey we call life.

So this was me being honest with myself. I fucked up...a lot. I’m not proud of it but I am owning it. Of course it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it so i will accept my ½ of the blame. The rest is situational and in the end, after time, may work itself out. I will continue to work on me and that’s all I can do. Always remember, it takes 2 to Tango and I do love to dance.

Love G.