Apologizing to my Chakras

Post-partum was the lead agent in my awakening journey, other factors like seeking reassurance from someone outside my marriage were leading co-pilots but in all, I became aware of my Spiritual awakening once I was stripped of everything I knew and was at the peak of the unknown.

It's funny because still in 2022, when you say 'spiritual' people often freak out; as if dark magic aka brujeria were the only subjects for the word. I knew I was different from young, I knew that thoughts and feelings were not mine from the start; what took me years to decode was the 'why me?' I was already betty ugly in high school, that was enough damage for my unpopular tiny self image.

I realized I am a great story teller, I've been told I give impressive details, and I used to always answered " I lived it, how can I not remember that much detail?" here is a fun fact about me, when I was 16 I was hit by an 18 wheeler, I lost all my memory as a baby and young child, sometimes I remember when I was 6 or 7 but for the most part, my family has helped me puzzled together a lot of my memory from childhood.

When I first started writing about my life, my childhood, I went to my mom for a lot of facts, I was able to connect a lot from just the details I still know years later. Once I heard the facts and connected the dots of the fading memories, I would then get flooded with all these feeling sand emotions; at first it was heavy energy that I didn't know how to control, as my mother and I sat, going through stories and facts, I started telling her how she felt, what it was like to wake up and realize you don't have custody of your 6 kids, or how it felt to have to be hidden from someone who tried to murder you in public.

That's when I realized that I was able to connect the emotions and feelings of a memory.

Now hearing thoughts came to be very different, I've always been able to, I just didn't know they were not my thoughts; it wasn't until I was at my worst, when I had to sit with myself in loneliness and be raw as one could be with self that I realized that thoughts would pop into my head at the most random places and times.

Have I tried to read minds, sure, plenty of times, it doesn't work like that; fortunately I'll say, because I can't imagine being able to read someone's mind in the midst of an argument. However, I've been laying on a sofa minding my business and here comes a thought, now random thoughts don't come from the other side of the building, energies have to be connected; and so as I began to piece the 'this makes sense' part of this discovery I also started to feel ashamed, which led me to work on my spiritual insecurities.

Being able to feel details of an emotion or/and a memory is something that might sound fun, but is not, for instance; I can't watch someone get hurt, in real life, or in media, it hurts me in a way that I can only describe as real, my body feels it, my mind feels it, as if it was me.

I remember when the Batman movie theater massacre happened, I was curled up in bed with my then wife, crying my insides out, as if I was there, as if I had family there, as if I had just lost my life to a gunshot.

Being able to feel how my mother felt falling to the ground covered in blood was unreal, it hurt in so many levels, being able to feel what they felt towards their relationship to their mother was hard, I felt their heart triple skip a beat and it watered my eyes.

The thing about this is I understand that without these tools I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't love and give as I do, but on the other end these tools are direct openings to my heart, to my soul which leads me to this; a spiritual gift is not for fun and games, when I meet someone I immediately know their gift because of the feeling surrounding them, as well when I meet someone broken, I can see the pieces scatter all around them via feeling: sometimes feeling too much of others would ensure you feel less of your own, sometimes feeling the hurt and disillusion of other's past will make you stay longer than you are intended to.

I've said this many times on my entries; to be needed is to not need when you have these tools, we are not timeless, we are not here to bond over hurt and stay a lifetime; once our 'job' is done, we are removed and sometimes we are not ready to say goodbye.

Dealing with the aftermath of a connection is brutal, being able to let go of someone or something that you were not ready to is almost like cutting it short, like a movie without a great ending, is like being a 911 operator that just helped someone but the line cuts off and you are left to wonder if they got out or worst, if they survived.

Being spiritual is not only about black magic, tarot cards or being able to see, hear, feel or/and know; is about the effect you have in the world, many times people who have these gifts are here to keep someone from taking their own life, or to show someone what genuine love is, to share an experience that will change someone's life; at the end though, we are always left by the stage exit, staring ahead, looking at you go, and as distance have it, we are to close the chapter on our own.

XOXO

Lucy