Apologizing to my Chakras

My teeth were my biggest insecurity; they weren't always horrible, they were beautiful until I was hit by an 18-wheeler.

When I was 16, my friends and I were coming out of Cooper Park near Grand Street in Brooklyn, as my friend and I neared the corner to cross the street, I had my back to the incoming traffic, though on the sidewalk corner; many say my friend pushed me into the truck as it was turning the corner others say I was talk-walking and walked right into the truck as it was turning: somehow my body ended up in the middle of the truck's head and it's body, which allowed it to drag me for half a block before the truck driver saw people screaming and stopped.

The truck driver stopped, some say I fell off on my own and some say the driver put me on the ground before making his escape, making it a hit and run; to be honest, I have no idea what happened, all I know is that I woke up in the middle of the street, covered in blood surrounded by people asking if I was dead.

Days later I was allowed to take off the bandages on my face, prior to this the mirrors in the bathroom and the bedroom were covered; the first thing I saw was my swollen mouth, my purple lips and the bruises on the sides of my face, here is where I remembered I started to cry. My mom helped me and as soon as I opened my mouth I saw the missing bunny tooth, and the countless missing teeth, I had a few gaps between my teeth.

My left knee ripped through my skin, it was so bad doctors asked my mom if it would be best to amputate or not, she said no and I started therapy to regain strength and mobility. I saw a few dentists before I ended with the asshole I did, he did a horrible job, he simply said I needed braces, without a plan, without understanding that the hospital had to take away so many teeth that were dragged back from the impact my face had on the truck's bed that now my mouth was almost empty.

I did a year of braces, all the gaps were closed and my gums are now sensitive for life, because the proper steps were not taken, my teeth still have a long journey but it taught me the most important lesson in my life; speak up.

It took me 33 years to mature in communicating about my emotions, I've been able to speak up in regards to everything, including injustice but until recently I was not able to speak about my emotions; which led me to become a robot, a complete stranger to my own feelings. It wasn't until I realized that my feelings, my emotions, my moods, my thoughts were as important as I made stranger's to be, that I started listening to my inner therapist, talking to myself while I cry; saying things like " you are not weak for feeling your feelings, you are strong, you are resilient, go ahead feel it so you can move on and heal " these conversations with self helped me each time to unpack, to feel the core of each tear.

It takes guts to sit with yourself and listen to all your flaws, your insecurities, feel your pain instead of running from it or hiding it; it takes guts to take accountability for your decisions, to understand that you are human and deserve the grace you so loosely share with others.

I asked myself a question that broke my heart in pieces, I did it, I was honest and raw, and after crying my eyes to red, I thank myself and prayed for healing; in my solitude I've found peace, peace of the security I feel now that I am able to redirect my emotions in a productive way, keep my Ego busy as I figure out how to understand myself, how to encourage and love on me, how to understand that strong does not equal robotic, understanding that feeling is part of growing, and though sometimes you might be at the other side of a phone call holding your heart in your hands and hearing it shattered with one simple sentence, you hold the silver lining between depression and peace.

Being strong enough to understand that choosing you is way harder than choosing someone else, being in peace with the fact that "if they wanted to they would've" being secure on your stance because it has taken you 33 years to make your own heart smile again and you just can't afford for it to break again.

Putting my emotions on the table time and time again and watching them get dismissed like if they were nothing but another meaningless sentence; taught me that voicing my feelings and my emotions makes me vulnerable but it also makes me a warrior, because I have no choice but to deal with whatever the other side of that door has in store for me, instead of spending the rest of my life wondering if I would've or why I didn't.

XOXO

Lucy