All a Little Broken

So in my last Blog I vaguely brought up the concept of how everyone is broken, not to say that anything is inherently wrong with you. It's just saying that perfection doesn't exist, nor does the feeling of being whole truly exist. What I mean by this while you may feel satisfied or fulfilled to some extent in life as a whole you will always long for more internally and that's okay. The concept that you need someone else to make you complete, or money to bring you happiness or the the dream house or money to feel satisfied. In reality while those are nice things as well as amazing goals to shoot for without a doubt, there's a void inside you that can not be filled with those material possessions.

The last time we were pure and whole was when we were young babes arriving in the world, we cried for our wants, slept peacefully as our parents or guardians protected us from the harms of this dimensional plane. Yet not every baby is lucky enough to receive that love and protection, yet no baby or human being is born evil or corrupt. As time progresses we become corrupted by society, family, friends, life experiences and traumas, shoot most of the time we break ourselves without even realizing it. Us as humans are like glass constantly breaking and hurting each other in an attempt to feel a sense of completion when in reality, we should in return let the worlds pain temper our minds, bodies and spirits.

When someone asks you, "What's wrong with you?", there shouldn't be a single person who says absolutely nothing. We're not perfect creature's so thus there is always something wrong with us, yet that's okay... no really it's okay if something is wrong with you. It's natural to be broken although some are more destroyed than others we are all in the end living beings on this earth trying to survive. While there are many things on this planet we can not fix or have no control over, there are numerous things you do have control over. Look inside your self mediate on who you are as a person and identify the pains of your past, then conclude how they've impacted you as a person. Don't let other's dictate what is wrong with you unless of course you have trouble improving on yourself and require assistance from a "real friend. " I have to emphasize "real friend" because a real friend will tell you when you're going to far, of course there are other ways to break it down, but of course if you're just as real you will take their words to heart.

On that note remember to put yourself in other's shoes because just like you everyone around you broken too, for their own reasons which could be even more justifiable than your own. Yet remember no matter what they are their own person, and a rough childhood or trauma can only dictate so much. You are still your own person who makes your own decisions no matter how good or messed up they may be. We all have free will and what we choose to do with that free will is up to us an individual, while being abused or hurt by someone close to you can excuse you to a point, remember hurting other's the same way you were hurt only brings more pain into the universe. Not everyone in this world deserves your love or kindness that is true because there are numerous people who only think of bringing more darkness. You must remember that you as a human being do not want to be apart of the scum percentage.

We may be broken or incomplete as an individual but we as humans are social beings we lean on each other and support each other balancing out each other's faults. This does not mean that "fusing" with people making you whole, alright that is a form of emotional cannibalism if not... literal cannibalism, do not resort to stepping over the bodies of other to become a "better person". If you have to step over a mountain of corpses to become a better person, then in turn you've only become the worst person possible, and it's people like you who are destroying our planet. That being said not every goody too shoes is as great as they seem, hats off though if you are a nice person trust me from personal experience it's hard being a door mat my ex could attest to my pain. Yet if you're only doing good for the sake of selfishness or a reward of some kind then your reason for doing good becomes corrupt and in a sense you in turn become corrupt. If you're doing all these good things to get into a magical place in the afterlife, then you're expecting a reward for helping others, that in turn is one of the most corrupt things possible. It sounds cheesy but please do good for the sake of being good, be nice because while it's hard it's also the human thing to do. I know, I know I sound like a butt face right now but its true no matter how hard it is. Without a doubt being a good person is worth it, doesn't matter if you think you're going to heaven or hell or eternal nothingness the universe has a way of balancing things out. I believe it's best to make that time on earth good in any way possible, giving someone a lift or cooking dinner once in a while goes a long way. A friend has a hard day listen to them or shoot go on an ice cream run, clean up your surroundings and don't blame your wind breaking on the cat because honesty is liberating... poor kitty.

Leading up from that note a hard part of becoming less broken, well it's really hard believe me but necessary, hear me out but the act of forgiving someone goes a long way. I get it bible thumping you may think, or I'm being ridiculous some people don't deserve your forgiveness for what they did to you. I know how hard it is, but forgiving is not for the other person it's for you. When you leave things unresolved they become a ghost that haunts your heart, even if they're alive or are unaware of your existence. To you emotionally or mentally they still exist, they still talk to you and you can still feel those scars. You have nightmares and in moments of depression their whispers tickle your ears, as they become a cold shiver on your shoulders leaving a world like weight on you. It may seem selfish but take the time to reflect on what they did to you, recognize that it hurt you but you are alive for it, perhaps better off for it. Yet if you're worse off due to said pain it's because you let it slowly erode your heart, some things may never be okay I understand that. I was a victim of rape as a child for years, chronic nightmares, constant ridicule from peers and family due to my weight as well as my interests. I was 16 when I ran away due to being a pan sexual Buddhist in an over bearing hypocritical christian family, I was betrayed by the one i loved, the one who saved me. To this day despite forgiving them I am still haunted by my ex despite my attempts at forgiveness, because while I acknowledge my need to move on and become better. My subconscious and heart find that hate so hard to let go of, but everyday I get a bit better, I focus on the good. In realizing I need to forgive while acknowledging my own faults I have begun to move on becoming a better person as a whole, I still have long way to go but I am a thousand times better than I was a month ago. Keep this in mind my friends and family have literally criticized me for being too nice my entire life so much so it's a problem, but I still have room for improvement. I was a good person, a good dad and a good husband I did not deserve to be cheated on or abused, neither used or thrown away like an object stripped of everything I held dear. On the other hand it can happen to anyone, because happiness comes at a cost and eventually the universe comes to collect... Damn the thought of confronting her after all this time makes my heart race in fear. It's surprising how much control I let her have over me despite her moving on with her new boyfriend and our son barely aware of my existence...I'm getting better, but in the meanwhile I hope you at the same time improve just as much.

Don't let the thoughts of being perfect, or "too broken" stop you from being a better you, at the same time remember to have fun. You are a human being who deserves to dream, to smile to cry to live your life to the fullest so go out and be the best you can be. Although always keep in mind there is nothing wrong with not meeting expectations, you are a human not a machine do what you can m y dear broken beans. I love y'all trust me on this and you deserve that love.