A two-way street

I have learned something from this pandemic, or at least to think I have learned something.

You get what you put in and all choices have consequences.

That’s right. We are seeing that everywhere. Social unrest is being turned into political movements. Humanity is drawing together to fix things we honestly should have figured out A LONG TIME AGO. And I’m seeing it in friendships and I saw it in my relationship before that boat sailed. Everything is this two-way street. There can’t be one thing without the other. It’s this 2 for 1 deal that we never saw the fine print for. Or maybe we all just agreed to the terms and conditions without reading them (guilty). What I’m saying is, if you see the world as this unfair and cold place, that is what the world will hand to you. If however, you see the world as full of possibility and chances, it more than likely will give those to you too. In fact, just read a whole short story on the law of attraction and how the brain is in fact just one giant sponge taking in whatever we give it. So hopefully you give it good things because I know you want good things back.

It’s the same with friends. You should always give them what you would want from them. I have a friend that goes out of her way to drive to see me, even if it’s only for an hour. She seriously will drive thirty minutes for me. Which in comparison my ex-boyfriend said twenty minutes was too far to drive to see me and my kid. So she is pretty special. I know that I have to be willing to do that for her. And honestly, I don’t want to. But I want to make sure she knows she’s that special to me too. So I do it.

Sometimes I get down and I’m like, wow no one invites me out. Then I realize I don’t invite anyone out. I never accept any invitations. Or I accept invitations after scheduling something else and then I am just screwed. I think to myself, I don’t make friends. Finally, I just started striking up conversations with randoms. No, I'm serious, like hear me out. I was walking past a girl in my neighborhood, told her she was pretty, and invited her to get coffee with me. Now we have an unlikely friendship. I mean, you have got to try this. It’s the weirdest concept. Whatever it is you think you are lacking, start doing it and it will come back to you. It’s basically the same with relationships though I am going to dismiss myself from giving advice on relationships for the next forever. Like somebody stopping me from myself, I swear. I’m just kidding, I realize I suck in a lot of ways but the first step is admitting it, right? I think that is going to be my opening line on my profile: “I have some flaws but you know, shrug it off, I’m just a work in progress and I know absolutely nothing, wanna hang?”

Learning to Accept What is, and Allow it to Happen

I have always thought you had to just accept what is. And to a certain point, that is true. But there is actually so much in our control that we can make difference. We can choose whatever we want. But choices come with consequences. Not making a choice is a choice. In fact, obviously, I have been writing about my break up recently, but I actually did know it was going to end. I wasn’t sure when necessary, but there's only so many times you can google, “am I happy in my relationship?” before you start to wonder if maybe you aren’t happy in your relationship. Though this leads to a whole other conversation, which was best said by a friend. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here; it doesn’t happen suddenly, but over time, little by little you realize you are growing more disconnected and lonelier. You feel like you have to dance around the person, and you're anxious to see them, and not in a fun way. Then it hits you, we are not gonna be able to keep this up.

In a strange way, that’s how I had been feeling but denied the feeling to myself. I kept saying, ‘I’m really hard to handle so I have to give him a pass for not telling his parents I have a kid and not inviting him to hang out with him and his friends.” I made excuses for behaviors because I believed I deserved it, that I sucked so bad and because of that it was a trade-off to let him have certain freedoms that now make NO SENSE. The more I think about it, it wasn't a relationship. It was a friendship with benefits, only not even a good friendship because friends don’t do that to each other. The break up was a mercy kill, and it definitely showed its true colors. I saw the relationship, the prey, injured and stumbling on and hoped it would get better, and it only seemed to get weaker and want to give up.

That doesn’t take away the pain at all. Interestingly enough the pain has opened me up to people though. We can all relate to the pain of being dumped or being disappointed someone we thought would be around would, would hopefully choose to stay around. Then I had the worst realization! Choosing isn’t enough either! You have to like not only to choose that person but like chose things they like and do things they like! UGH! You mean I can’t make it all about me all the time. No, you can’t. And even if they choose you, it’s not going to be butterflies and rainbows. It still will be work and fights and clashing. It’s a laundry list of pros and cons. I cringe thinking about it. I want to be excited and feel like it’s fine and I’m okay. I want time to go by faster so I can forget that my heart actually has this hatchet in it, and it’s just wedged there, waiting to be taken out and pushed back in.

Then again, another part of me is a girl with her head hanging out the passenger side window, playing cards at her best friend's place and having a great time and forgetting that inside I feel like there are cracks everywhere. I am finding the hobbies I had long forgotten, and I am consuming literature so quickly it is almost frightening. I am napping and trying to understand my toddler. I am eating real fruits and vegetables. I am limiting my alcohol intake because I straight up don’t want a hangover. I’m building to be better than I was, and while every step and every day is hard and I cry randomly, I am still doing it. I am doing the damn thing, only better. The cracks will seal, the hatchet will slowly fall out. I might stop eating frosting out of a can (though probably not, let’s be real).