A Practice of Making Peace With Ourselves

For weeks I thought I was dying. There I said it. I was told by my gynecologist that there are masses in my right ovary and they could potentially be cancerous but, to not think too much about it. Which of course, I did. The first week after that appointment I had to come to terms with so many things I had taken for granted. My fertility and the possibility I may not be able to bring life into this world; my mortality, and what that would be like to not only die young but to leave behind a partner who would have to carry that hurt for the rest of his life. We both went through the emotions of what things could look like for us if my prognosis was negative, and it sucked. I started to spiral into this place of “why me?!”, how come I couldn’t just be normal like everyone else my age getting married and having babies and not worrying about their insides rotting away prematurely.

I had to wait 6 weeks before I could get into an oncologist’s office, which felt like living in slow motion waiting for the next ice age. My spiritual teacher always taught me that moments that make you question “why me?”, need to be turned into “why not me?”, to shift the thinking from suffering to empowerment. So, like any normal person (total sarcasm), I enrolled myself in a yoga teacher training. The great thing is, the training lasted for 5 weeks. The bad thing is, at the time, I hadn’t practiced vinyasa in years.

My first week was a shit show. My homework for the week was to submit a series of videos of me doing different vinyasa sequences among other assignments. As I read my marching orders for the next week, I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and dammit was I overwhelmed.

Trying to shake it off, I started my first yoga class the next morning. An Ashtanga class at that. If you don’t know what Ashtanga is, it's an intense sequence of power yoga moves with very little downtime. I barely made it through the class. As I watched everyone else seamlessly handstand back into chaturanga, with their perfectly coordinated outfits barely covering their perfectly toned bodies I started to go to my dark place. I think we all have one…or many.

For me this particular dark place looked at all my flaws and stories of “I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not skinny enough, I’m not flexible enough” spiraling, spiraling down to “I don’t belong here. This was a mistake”. Here I am about to video myself doing something so uncomfortable and feel so vulnerable putting myself out there for a stranger to not only watch but critique. I wanted to crawl in a hole a hide.

Completely defeated, I waited for my partner to come home so I could get some sympathy while wallowing and perpetuating this story I’ve created…but this time, with company! He came home, and I emotionally dumped on him as one does. Before I could even get to the juiciest part of my internal story you know, all the not good enoughs, he just looks at me and says “you’re really going to let this get the best of you? What happened to this warrior I thought you were?”. Ok, so now I’m livid because not only is he not perpetuating my story with me but he’s speaking some truth and I don’t like it! Oh, and how dare you bring my Mayan day sign into the conversation throwing in my face all that warrior business! Rude!

Sensing I’m getting mad for all the aforementioned reasons he just looks at me and says “babe, you're growing, and it's hard and hurts because you’re outgrowing these old beliefs. I know it sucks right now, but give it another week, I think you're actually going to love this class”. All my ego wanted to say back in that moment was “nope nope nope”, but, the amazing (and sometimes annoying) part of having a supportive partner is they don’t cosign your bullshit. They know your ego stories and rather than be my personal yes man, I needed those words to plant a seed in my head to not give up...

Sure enough, a week later for my second assignment, I was still feeling overwhelmed but, this time, I had his full help and support as he filmed me doing this ridiculous workout routine that included my dreaded handstands among other things I believed I could not do. It was a bonding moment. It gave me confidence that I could not only do this, but I can do it with someone watching me. From there, things shifted, I had this renewed sense of confidence and empowerment. Did I mention that I fell in love with my training?! Which of course, true to form, he was right about.

So what's the point of this post? It’s not to rave about having a supportive partner, or how I can almost get into a full split. No. The point of this is to not listen to those bullshit stories in your head. These stories keep us small. We can't blame ourselves because it’s the ego’s way of protecting us but, with so many of us walking paths of healing, we gotta learn how to push through these mental blocks. One practice I’ve learned through this is how to make peace with these thoughts. I wake up in the morning and pick something I want to make peace with. When that thought or story creeps into my head throughout the day, I simply speak to it in a kind voice and say “I’m making peace with you, remember?”, so that at the end of the day I can go to bed with that thought having less control over me. And you know what, it’s helped! It has been training me to be more present, and ultimately, to love myself more. To radicalize self-acceptance within my being. The best thing is, it doesn’t cost a thing.