"A life lived is a life decided" - Brenna

When you live the life you decide, you live with eyes open.

Before entering into this journey with my fiance Cannon Outlaw, every morning was a rude awakening. My dreams seemed to be more intriguing to me than the life I was living. It was as if i was on repeat, never engaged in my decisions, never engaged in my interactions, totally detached until I closed my eyes once more for sleep.

I knew this wasn't the life I wanted. I prayed and pleaded, begging for a way out. After weeks of internal reflection and consistent prayer, it was a moment. This split second enlightenment pushed me to make the decision that began my new life, the life I decided.

I finally decided to leave.

After years of standing still, all I had to do was look down and take the first step. It didn't matter how much contemplation I did, it all came down to a decision, a decision that I was completely accountable and aware of. Once I spoke the words "I can't do this anymore", it was as if I set myself free. It was the most painful, yet joyous moment of my existence. I never realized until that moment that I can just chose to do something without knowing all of the answers! This seems simple but I know many people reading this right now know exactly the feeling I am speaking on. For those who are here, get through the contemplation and know that you must decide, all of your fears will always exist until you extinguish them through experience. You cant have this experience if you never take the first step. Sometimes you will go off the trail and maybe step in some dog shit, but don't stay in the dog shit! Be disgusted by it, see what you've done, then clean it off and get back on the fucking trail. You don't want to keep going off trail either because then maybe you'll break a leg and all though this too can be healed, the recovery process is much longer.

STAY AWARE!

This world is designed to distract you, the very body that holds your soul is a distraction.

"necessary evils",

As they say. Distractions aren't something to be afraid of, the fear of the distraction is also a distraction! You see? There is no escaping it when you are physically bound. Instead, become one with these things. Find YOUR balance, because it will not be the same as anyone else's. As long as you are right with your self and aligned with YOUR truth, you will never be wrong.

"Be aware of which is right in front of you; then you will be able to grasp what is out of your sight. For there is nothing hidden that will not be known. "

- The Gospel of Thomas

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

- The Buddha

THIS JOURNEY NEVER ENDS

With awareness comes accountability, there is always a ying to the yang and vice versa. I chose to live my life with eyes open, aware of both the pain and joy I will inevitably experience. Every day I decide to open my eyes now; every day I am present with my ever changing emotions; every day I engage with my surroundings; every day I engage with my thoughts. I love myself because I am created uniquely. I love myself because I will never know someone else like me. It's a beautiful thing to know that the journey will never truly end because I am infinitely suspended through time and space. My energy can never be destroyed, only transformed, as it will. I die to myself with every new idea/thought/concept/experience. This spiritual death is inseparable to the physical death to me because I am, and will only ever be, aware of my spiritual death(s).

This is my motivation to do anything I do now. I wake up and do what I do because I have breath, this is it. I am breathing here now for a purpose that I decide every day, every moment. Purpose is decided only by you, stop waiting around for someone else to decide it for you, you will only be disappointed and you're only stepping further and further away from your path. Decide and fail, then decide and succeed, as long as you are moving with eyes open, there really is no set back, it's all a part of the cycle. Love it.

Sure, this excerpt has an ending, but these words live on into infinity, as will my consciousness.