A Happy Life and New Beginnings

I am currently 45 years old. This January I left my job. 13 years of stress, anger, boredom, hating the guts out of everything about my job, my life, the people around me and my unfortunate habits... all of this gone with just one decision: to be happy and to take my life into my own hands. Working for others since I was 19, and doing their bidding all this time, feeling small, unimportant, useless to myself and the world. Just vanished in a day. Now what? I thought it would feel good. It did sort of, but it was mixed with ghosts of old fears, being terrified of not being good enough, of not having it in me. My mind still in overdrive, scared, tired, exhausted actually. Exhausted from years of trying to see the positive side of having a steady job, from battling on the inside knowing, that this steady job is killing me, minute by minute. Less of me every hour, day, month. Getting more uncomfortable to the verge of wanting to scream, because I couldn't take the bullshit of other people telling me things like: "Be grateful, at least you have a job..." And feeling soooo ungrateful and yet betrayed somehow. I wanted to be part of something good, something meaningful. After quitting, I couldn't slow down for four months straight. Especially in my mind. It was racing! Going from 3,000 km/h to maybe 30 was unbelievably difficult. Yes, I had some money, I don't have to worry about that for a year or so, but still, I was terrified. I had a plan and most importantly, I had a goal: to take things into my own hands and to stop waiting for my life to get better on its own. Waiting for some magical day to come, when everything can be different, easier, better, nicer... some day. Maybe.

So I started to take steps to create a new career for myself. Many careers in fact. Fitness instructor, health coach, artist and the biggest dream was to get out of the city and run a small permaculture farm and create. Just create every day. These were all things that I had knowledge in and some of them were even a part of my life already. I thought I would start all of them at once. Well, that went down terribly, to say the least. Trying to do multiple things at the same time taught me the importance of focusing on only one step at a time and no more. To take small steps, but take them often. Sometimes a step would be just going down to the bank to open a business account, other times it would be to make an exercise video and often—in the beginning—it would be to cry and cry and cry and let the built up emotions out, to make space for new ideas. And somehow, this worked. I became calmer, more focused and got a sense of what was really important. I started meeting new people, letting change into my life and slowly, really slowly, letting go of old beliefs. Day by day fear started turning into focus and a sort of knowing started to arise that everything would work out. Somehow. How this would come about I would find out gradually, by taking small steps into the unknown, or rather towards my goal at hand.

Something changed in me during this process. I became aware of what life should really look like. Not working hard and neither laying about doing nothing, but being, feeling, knowing what is important and useful and letting go of what wasn't. Letting things change without struggle and just sticking to my path, not being afraid of tweaking it if need be. At first treading carefully and then getting used to the new ground under my feet. For me, the biggest lesson which I am still learning, is in letting go. And when I do, magic starts happening; I kid you not. Something opens up, some new opportunity or some new insight. I came to really enjoy this way of living where I keep my focus on feeling good and on letting go of the old at the same time. I believe there are many ways of achieving this. And I truly believe in the art of living. Forgetting what we have been taught and creating a new path for ourselves. Not easy, but really really worth it. Staying away from the naysayers for me was one of the biggest boosters of all. Like most people, I tend to believe someone else's beliefs. Especially if they're telling me something isn't possible. I have learnt that this is their fear and their business. Or at least I'm getting better at it. Just staying away from them as much as possible has made all the difference.

Yes, I am nowhere near of completing my goals, and I am still not making much money, but I am beginning to make some. Most importantly, I am so much happier and so much more me. I find myself having flash backs from my early childhood, remembering how it felt being certain that everything is taken care of and that the most important thing is right in front of me. Other people didn't affect me much then, but the thing I was immersed in did. A lot. In an extremely positive way. And this is what I have been striving for. To be present in whatever is in front of me. Reminding myself each day of my goal and taking small steps in that direction. I have been mostly trying to working on my self discipline these days. I wonder where this will take me. I know it will be interesting. My most important goal and wish is having a lifestyle of Creating. Not doing, but really creating. Creating my day, creating my breakfast, creating my home, creating new relationships, creating an income, creating new ideas, new ways of thinking. And believing that all else will be taken care of in the process.