A Difficult Resolution

2020 derailed most of the things I was working towards. My mental health, which was already suffering, tanked. I was skipping classes because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I was procrastinating because everything felt numb. I couldn't find the motivation to do most of the things I put on my vision board, which was full of positive energy and reminders to write and study and swim and to be confident. I was stagnant and self-sabotaging and I knew I needed to stop but I couldn't figure out how to. I'm sure part of it was the pandemic, but it was just making the symptoms of my bad brain even worse than they already were. I'm sure plenty of people can relate to that.

January 2020 started well. I was swimming twice a week and I was going to class and I was working on my novels like I had planned to do. And then all too soon the news of the pandemic came and I was scared to ride the subway at rush hour to get to my ladies-only lap swim time because of the crowding. And I got stressed so I stopped going to class which made me more stressed which made me stop writing and it all snowballed.

The spring and summer months of 2020 were met with stagnation. A new anxiety popped up after I managed to scrape passing grades in my classes and I graduated. Instead of "what if I fail?" My new fear was: "what now?" I had a hell of a time finding the part-time slightly-above-minimum wage job I work now, but I'm lucky to be working at all.

I greeted 2021 with cautious optimism. I made another vision board and I have no idea if I'm going to do any of the things on it. I still want to write. And I want to get outside to bike and canoe once the snow is gone. And I want to start dancing again. I don't know if I'm going to do any of it, but the vision board is the home screen on my computer and the home and lock screen on my phone so I'm never far from it. For the past three years, my New Year's resolution has been to put an honest effort into anything I attempt to do. And it's a tough one to keep.

This year feels like it's time for a change. Last year, my resolution failed me as much as I failed it. When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning, putting an honest effort into your endeavours seems impossible.

This year, I have two resolutions. I think I might be able to keep them.

1. Stop self-sabotaging.

2. Be gentle with myself.

I'm bad at both of those things, but when you're on the ground, you have two options. You can climb up, or you can start digging. I'll do my best to climb and if I fall, I'll do my best to keep myself from digging.

I've been doing everything I can to stop myself from self-sabotaging. So far, I've submitted two applications to teacher's college and I have one more to submit in February. No acceptances yet, but I have my fingers crossed. And in the meantime I'm tutoring and I'm sending in a resume and cover letter to apply for a teaching job because a school near where I live is desperate for a teacher.

And I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm only human. That it's okay to make mistakes. Of my two resolutions, this one is much harder than the other one.

And so I'll keep on trying to be cautiously optimistic. "Happy 2021" seems like an empty wish, so instead I'll just wish my audience a calm 2021 full of growth.