9 steps to a healthier and happier me

Behind my smile and commitment to the job, I felt myself breaking. A workload that exhausted capacity, inadequate supervision, different practice lenses to my line manager, different approaches to practice, values mismatch, feeling pressured, feeling threatened and job dissatisfaction all contributed to overwhelming stress and emotional and physical ill-health. I clearly remember being in the office alone at 7 pm on a Friday evening completing tasks of 3 different roles (2 of which were not mine yet impacted it) and almost breaking. Burnout was where I was headed.

Prior to commencing in this position, I promised I would be kind to myself and prioritize my own wellbeing above the operations of an organization that would not even blink to replace me. It did not take long into the new job, however, to place this promise at the bottom of the pile of work that needed to get done and to fall back into the bad habit of giving more to others than to myself. But this changed that evening when I leaned back in my chair and asked myself one question… What are you doing here?

My immediate response was Well you are not being kind to yourself. So, I decided I would stand up for myself and I used both the question and my response as a platform to do so. Before heading home that same evening, I wrote a letter of resignation. 3 weeks later I said goodbye. I took a week to sleep and recover, and then I rolled up the metaphorical sleeves and started the real work… learning to honour and love myself. That was almost four weeks ago and since then, I have personalized 9 strategies that were simple for me to apply and will be easy for you to make your own too.

3 steps to devoting place

I relocated home in June 2020, around 3 months after Covid first turned the world upside-down. Two adult children supported this transition so, it was with them that I walked through the door of my new home and fell absolutely in love with it. The first step I took to be kind to myself was to focus on my surroundings and I call this devoting place. You may ask devoting place to what? This step was about devoting place to myself… finally externalizing my interests, cultivating my hobbies, and truly making my home my sanctuary.

1. Declutter –

“The best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t” (Marie Kondo)

I returned items to their owners and gave away what rarely got used. However, this is a work of progress for me having started with giving trophies, photo frames, framed awards, and personal belongings to my adult children. I also tossed containers that have not been used in a long time, dumped the old and unused, and found storage space for the new and working. I no longer hold onto something for that “one day I might need it..." as experience has shown me that day never comes. Plus, if I’m ever in need of a helping hand, I know who to turn to.

2. Express myself –

“You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have” (Maya Angelou)

I choose to surround myself with aesthetically pleasing bits and pieces. I have always loved scented candles and teapots and enjoyed cooking and reading. Having the room to show these off has given me an unbelievable sense of joy and peace. I also have always loved growing things, so my next project is to grow both a vegetable garden and a flower bed. I purchased cushions for the sofas and extra pillows for my bed as that is what I like. I have green plants in pots in the front entranceway and ferns hanging from baskets on the patio. A large wind chime is suspended in a spot where melodies linger and mats on the floor bring comfort to my feet. But most of all I enjoy writing and now the space of a study has found me a place to write and research and write some more.

3. Find rhythm –

“…the rhythm of the body, the melody of the mind, and the harmony of the soul create the symphony of life” (B.K.S. Iyengar)

I spent a day developing a housework plan and broke down the list of cleaning tasks into manageable chores. Setting aside the same day every week for the same chore helped me to get into a routine and to get through the day with a sense of accomplishment. Now, I do not like to clean and there have been days where I just did not have the mental energy to do it… so I didn’t. I also didn’t beat myself up for it. On days like this, I choose kindness to myself and maintain my natural rhythm with activities that are satisfying to me such as reading, writing, listening to music, and cooking. I have learned through experience that the expectations I once placed on myself to perform, and the need to control my surroundings by rigidly following routine, stopped my rhythm. I also learned that every time I no longer listened to my body, I’d get stuck in a cycle of high expectations and disappointments. Repeatedly doing this often resulted in the words and the thoughts I had of myself being out-right nasty and full of condemnation which only further limited my personal growth. So, I am now learning to plan out those cleaning days but not to become a victim of my own high expectations.

3 steps to creating space

My daughter moved back to Brisbane for uni. in February, one week after I had left the job. This left my youngest son and me in a spacious 4-bedroom home to quickly get into the habit of mowing the lawn, taking out the bins for rubbish collection and recycling, feeding the dogs, washing the dogs, laundry, cooking, shopping, and etc., etc., etc. Having come to an arrangement with him freed me up to focus on myself and my own space within my sanctuary, that is, my bedroom which includes a walk-in robe and ensuite.

4. Add a personal touch –

“Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal” (Meg Ryan in “You’ve Got Mail”)

I’ve added to my personal space what is enticing to me. I have books on my bedside next to a notebook for writing, crystals in bowls and more candles on the tallboy, and plants in baskets and trinkets in casings. Words of affirmation decorate one wall and more have been placed on the bathroom mirror. I cleaned out old makeup and products and what remains is what gets used. The bathroom mats are soft to the touch and a loofah and body brush exfoliate and invigorate. Body and face scrubs are gentle on my skin and shampoos and conditioners contain coconut and shea oils. I am learning to not feel guilty or think I am a spendthrift when I buy products that my skin responds to in a most healthy way, as I know my mind and body do as well.

5. Open the way for those gorgeous natural lights –

“I feel sexy when…I feel sunlight on my skin” (Lotte Verbeek)

My bed is not near any power points as I was one of those who would check Facebook before going to sleep and be on it for another hour or so. There are quite a few articles out there explaining how all those blue wavelengths can not only disrupt sleep but also our circadian rhythms with continued exposure. I strongly encourage you to research this. I continue to explore this natural process and am learning more about my circadian rhythm, what influences it and what it influences. So, abstaining from looking into that blue light and disrupting my sleep rhythm, and keeping the curtains open at night so the natural lights of dawn wake me every morning, has worked wonders for me as I am waking more often than not feeling rested. The sun has become my main source of lighting again.

6. Protect my energy –

“Energy speaks what you don't” (Drishti Bablani)

This may sound strange to you, but we absorb energy from other people. We have seen those funny memes about “too much peopling” but how many times have we returned home from work or a social event with a headache, body aches, and feeling utterly exhausted? People can be triggers and reactions to triggers can shift our moods so, being aware of this helps protect our energies. I am very much in love with a man who works away for 2 weeks and is back in town for 1. Being aware he may have absorbed the energies of other people and I may absorb his, every time he stays over we first sit down together over a meal, a game of footy on tv, or a movie on Netflix and just relax. He’s not aware I’m doing an energy check as I actually do enjoy spending time with him. What often happens is that I visibly see his body relax and hear his words soften as we talk and as I respond in love to him. So, I ultimately protect my energy by being observant of his and setting boundaries with others. I also switch between linen that matches my moods so when I am feeling strong and energetic, the bedsheets are vibrant and when I’m needing some quiet time, the colours are more subdued and neutral.

3 steps to prioritizing what I face

Something surprising happens when you focus on your emotional and mental health and wellbeing… you expand as you shift and adjust to prioritize self-healing and discovery. I have been on this journey for almost 3 years which was how I knew it was time to get serious about myself and quit working for other people and organizations. I have heard disapproving comments from family members who do not understand what I am doing and, as I have continued this quest, a few no longer talk to me. That has been difficult but also part of the process – after all, I am left to work through abandonment issues and co-dependency. From all of this, however, I am learning that not everything requires a response from me and my peace and centredness is far more valuable than holding onto the old version of me that people are comfortable with just to keep them happy.

7. Read –

“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body” (Sir Richard Steele, Tatler)

Okay not everyone likes to read but not only does reading expand our vocabulary and thinking skills, it reportedly has the health benefits of reducing stress and relaxing our bodies. Reading is an immeasurable source of information and creativity, encouragement and pleasure, guidance and inspiration, and action and stillness for me. I continue to unravel as I learn about trauma and using my default stress response of flight for my good, CBT and the cycle of my thoughts influencing my emotions influencing my actions further influencing my thoughts, and how stress inflames the body and the nutrition and strategies I can do to reduce this. I have learned about these things while reading the letter Jess Sambuco wrote to her mother in the Vocal “Little Black Book” challenge, and while taking the journey with Marian Keyes’ Stella Sweeny in “The Woman Who Stole My Life”. So, I either read purposefully – to research and learn, or for entertainment – to lose myself in fictional worlds with dynamic characters and exciting storylines. But regardless of the purpose, reading unshackles me and frees me to grow a little bit more every single time.

8. Meditate –

“Breathe, darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story” (S.C. Lourie)

One of the hardest things I am learning to do is meditate. Sitting still actually requires as much self-control as observing our thoughts requires discipline. So, I started off small with the understanding of how I could potentially fail under the pressure of high expectations. 10 minutes of following guided meditations have not only been enjoyable and easy to fit into the mornings but after 4 weeks, I have found that including 10 minutes of the same slips nicely into my nights. There are days I don’t meditate and that’s okay. I’m far from an expert in this practice but I am of my body and I have found that since starting, I am more mindful and able to explore my thoughts and feelings with love and attitudes of forgiveness and gratitude. All of this is really helping me to let shit go.

9. Exercise –

“Exercise because you love your body, not because you hate it” (Unknown)

When I saw this quote on a meme approximately 3 weeks ago, my relationship with exercising changed. I had a love-hate relationship with my body and would use exercise to punish myself by trying to regain control during the "I-hate-" moments. High expectations again, right? I am sure I’m not telling you anything new, but this stopping-and-starting exercise regime allowed the negative self-talk to get louder while my self-esteem suffered in silence. However, when I read that meme my attitude did a backflip, and I shifted my reason for exercising to be an act of kindness and not a need to control. So, once again I reflected and did some research and then experimented and what I have found is that my body and mind respond well to HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) exercises. I’ve stopped punishing my body by spending an hour or so sweating it out on the treadmill and, found a form of exercise that still releases those endorphins and has me feeling positive but in a shorter amount of time.

So, there you have it… the 9 strategies I continue to undertake as acts of kindness unto me through the daily application of honouring and loving myself. An underlying theme that emerged from finding sustainability with these strategies is exploration… exploring what I like, what works for me, and what I'm willing to do and invest in. Doing the same will only bring more fun and wonder into your life too, as you spontaneously learn to love a progressively healthier and happier you.

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