5 Pieces of Advice to Find Happiness

A messy mortal is my friend. Come walk with me in the mud. — Hugh Prather

At the age of 22 in a hospital room, I placed a check mark next to two life goals. On the same day, I delivered a baby and the mailman delivered a teaching contract. A welcome sign ushered me into the future with flashing lights. I planned to become the best wife, mother and teacher that ever existed. Unfortunately, I neglected to take into consideration two other road signs: Slow and Caution.

Be real

I placed massive amounts of pressure on yourself by believing I could be everything to everyone. I attempted to live up to unrealistic expectations.

How do you define success?

In my case, my mom was my role model so I tried to emulate her. She worked outside the home, volunteered as PTA president, escorted us to church on Sunday, and served dinner at the table each evening. I never saw her stressed and tears were absent. When I reflect today, I wonder about the accuracy of my memories and realize I elevated Mom to superhero status. Now, as I reflect, I realize her superpower was hiding her emotions.

While growing up, mothers I saw portrayed on TV were perfect; they were fictional characters. These women wore clean aprons to cover clean, pressed dresses, cooked in high heels, adorned perfectly groomed hair, makeup and smiles while sharing positive affirmations.

Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch, Marion Cunningham from Happy Days, Clair Huxtable from The Cosby Show and June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver are not and never were real people. Each character was created by the writer, and get this the writers were men — really, I checked.

TV presents fiction in a format that appears real. Often marketing agents go so far as to label shows, “reality TV” when very little about the productions align with reality.

When I looked in the backseat on the way to Sunday school and was flashed by my 5-year-old who forgot to put on underwear, I was sure my reputation as a good mother was ruined. Events like these were never shared on sitcoms when I was young; therefore, I believed they didn’t happen to other people. Many years passed before I saw the humor and laughed out loud.

No matter what your age, be more than a character from someone’s imagination built from a composite of their interpretation of best qualities.

Be real.

Stop Expecting Perfection

As a working mother my expectations, a burden I chose to carry, required me to provide a peaceful, healthy environment while balancing professional success. My vision of perfection included nightly family dinners, a clean home, and an organized life. I don’t believe mom intentionally saddled me with this stereotype; however, Mom did perpetuate this image because she never allowed me to witness her failures.

Do your mistakes create feelings of failure?

When my daughters were little, I also wore a disguise, my own version of the Superwoman costume, believing I had the power to control my world. My life was perfectly complete, fulfilling, satisfying even though it was not flawless.

When I lost control of even the smallest events, I labeled myself a failure. If my husband’s clothes were mismatched, I believed it reflected my incompetence. When my oldest simply could not earn a decent grade in algebra, I was convinced it was because I didn’t spend enough time at home reviewing multiplication. And when the youngest, confessed she didn’t enjoy playing the piano, my brain hurt wondering how I had allowed that to happen.

It took years of tears to realize life is flawed, people are human, and perfection is unattainable. We exist in this world as characters on a stage waiting for directions from a script that is written one day at a time. Remind yourself daily, your story will be revised and adapted by real life events beyond your control.

Accept the present.

Embrace the Messiness

On TV, when June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver retired early to bed beside her husband, usually, still wearing her pearls, she looked relaxed. Her husband arrived home each evening promptly at 5 o’clock looking professional in his business suit, and their two boys learned a valuable lesson in every episode.

I love to bake and decorate cakes, but the process usually ends with a sticky kitchen, a misshapen cake and dirty dishes piled in the kitchen sink. It doesn’t matter what life portrays on the outside, it offers an overwhelming sweetness that is devoured and savored. Don’t let the clutter in life cast a bitter flavor on your experiences.

What messes in your life provides great joy?

In contrast to June’s life, many nights found me at midnight wearing sweats as I completed the last of several loads of wash, ironed out wrinkles, and packed lunches. But during the day, I played with the girls: finger painting, building sand castles and catching frogs. My husband always had grease under his fingernails, but that gave him a reason to help bath the dog and do the dishes.

My struggles came when I could not balance appearances with the commercial images of a perfect home.

I realized June Cleaver had to die.

Focus on Your Best

I applied my mother’s finest qualities to measure my weaknesses. I assessed myself by what I left incomplete, never got around to, and the mistakes that inevitably occurred. I forget to apply the lessons I teach students in the classroom about loving oneself and focused on my flaws.

What accomplishments produce pride?

A wave a depression almost drowned me when I was working fulltime, taking colleges classes at night to earn a masters degree and caring for a family at home. It was difficult to identify my accomplishments when daily so many tasks remained undone. I became necessary for me to consciously state positive affirmations to submerge the negative feeling of ineptitude.

You need to appreciate accomplishments when doing your best. Acknowledge what is done and stop beating yourself up for what is undone. Focus on the clean clothes and not the wash in the hamper. Enjoy the flavor of the main course and ignore the texture when the meat is a little overcooked. Kids love a homemade birthday cake and never notice when it’s lopsided. Believe me, nobody cares that the bed was not made.

Say daily, “I am my best.”

Be pleased with yourself

Bound to antiquated beliefs, there was a time my goals became desperate needs to please others without any awareness of my needs. Success is not defined by clean children, home-cooked dinners, completed homework, or church attendance.

I am valuable yet imperfect. Once I acknowledged this fact, I learned to accept the face the mirror reflected, a real person with flaws: disheveled, smeared, mismatched and sometimes blotchy. But instead of noticing my imperfections, I observed compassion, determination, love, inspiration, and a content smile.

What do you see in the mirror?

If your list of descriptors seems unbalanced, if it leans heavily towards the negative, look again. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Force yourself to pronounce positive traits. If you struggle with this assignment, ask friends and family to share what they like about you. Write them down on paper. Place them on the mirror and read them often until you believe them and can add some of your own ideas.

When I see myself now, I am pleased and believe Mom would smile at the woman I have become.

If one person begins to understand what took me fifty years to discover, maybe — just maybe — fewer tears will be shed, less time can be spend buried under the blanket hiding from reality.