4 steps to self compassion

It was when I caught myself in mid rant that I knew something had to change. I heard the words, the tone, the hatred, and knew that I would never talk that way to another person, friend or enemy. The level of vitriol I was directing at myself was far above anything I would express in any other relationship. I started to wonder why it was that I felt ok doing that, and so discussed it with my therapist. She explained to me the way some people's minds work.

There are those of us who have an overactive inner critic. For some reason, whether due to upbringing, childhood experiences, or trauma, we are under the illusion that if we criticise ourselves harshly, we will get things done. We think that being unkind to ourselves will get us further in life, will drive us forward and spur us towards our goals.

This doesn't actually work. Imagine the following. Ten-year-old Taylor is working on a school project. They are putting effort in towards getting a good mark at the end of the work. One day they bring their work home to show their parents the progress they have made. The parents immediately point out the flaws in the work done. They notice all the little details that have been overlooked and criticise Taylor for not spotting them. Taylor’s motivation to succeed is likely to have decreased after this interaction, not increased. They are likely to view themselves in a negative light, perhaps taking their parents words to heart, thinking they are stupid, useless, and not up to the task.

This is when giving up becomes probable. When the child is told they are not up to scratch, they begin to believe that and may not see the point in working hard at something at which they are likely to fail.

If, however, Taylor had brought home the work and received a positive response, things may be different. If Taylor’s parents had noticed the effort put into the work, had complimented the aspects that were done successfully, had expressed their belief in Taylor's ability, Taylor would have more motivation to keep at it, and end up with something they can be proud of.

As adults, we are our own parents. We are the motivator, the criticiser, the cheerleader, the pragmatist, the dreamer, and the realist. We are the ones to choose how we can best move forward. We often think that by being critical we can push ourselves into action, into effort, and into success. But we don’t. Rather, by criticising we move towards hopelessness, despair, self-hatred, and all or nothing thinking. We believe that if we are not one hundred per cent successful, it would be better to just give up. We believe we are not up to the standard required and should withdraw from the effort.

This is when we find ourselves feeling like there is no way out and wanting to give up. This is not the path to success. This is not how we are likely to find happiness. This is the way we spiral into the abyss that is misery.

The way we can change paths, move from despair to hope, and see the light at the end of the tunnel is by being compassionate to ourselves. Many of us fear this compassion, we are unused to it, and worry it will allow us to slack off. We think it will lead to laziness, to a lowering of standards, to mediocrity. And those fears are real and valid. We just need to experiment. Which way gets us closer to our goals. The challenge is to try it out. We can always go back to criticising ourselves if we want. The likelihood is that we will notice an increase in productivity, an increase in self-confidence, and a feeling of hope towards the future.

Here are some tools I used, to become more compassionate, try them out, they may work for you.

• Forgive yourself. After a mistake it is so important to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that mistakes are okay. Fix the mistake and move on. Dwelling on the past cannot change the past, it can only spoil the future.

• Use your challenges to build your future. Remember everyone will have challenges, our job is to use those challenges as building blocks for the future. Ask yourself what you can learn from the experience, how can you use it to move forward.

• Have gratitude for your own accomplishments. When we notice the good things that happen in our life, we can start to feel more positive about our future. Notice things you have done well. Acknowledge them and start to build a more positive image of yourself in your mind.

• Affirm your worth. Remind yourself you are worthy. You are worthy of existing, worthy of care and love. Some people find it helpful to repeat these things in statements of affirmation. As often as you can remember to tell yourself how valuable you are as a person, and how much you can achieve.