Men's Guide to Coping with Grief

Life happens and grief hits all of us at one time or another. It may be the loss of a job, a car accident, a breakup, a major illness such as cancer, the death of a close loved and any combination thereof.

We all deal with grief in different ways. Men however tend to suppress their emotions and feelings. We tend to bottle it up. We have to be the strong one. We have to be the man.

But, who says that the man always has to be strong? Who says that not showing your emotions is strength? Is this what society tells us?

Let's talk about dealing with grief. Let's talk about those inner hidden emotions. Let's discuss the real meaning of strength.

I am no stranger to grief these days. Within a 16 month span I experienced more than most. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in September 2019. In November 2020, just two months after my radiation treatments, my mom became terribly sick and started experiencing an extraordinary amount of hallucinations which led to an ever progressing dementia. Finally, in January 2021 my brother died at the young age of 58. My brother and I were very close. His death caused me to have to quit my job in order to care for my mom. (There's more than this. Other major issues came up in 2022 that set me in yet another talespin - but I'm not ready to talk about this).

The prostate cancer alone was enough to throw any guy into a downward spiral of misplaced emotions. But you put all three of these together and it's a cocktail that spells grief and disaster.

How does a man deal with grief on this level? For that matter how does a man deal with grief on any level?

Disclaimer

I want to add a disclaimer here. I am not a professional therapist, psychologist, etc. Everything in this article comes from what I have learned from personal experience. I have not done any research for this article. I am sharing what I have learned by living it.

Men's Guide to Coping with Grief

Friends / Family / Helpline

Talk to somebody about what you're feeling. Get on the phone. Text it or talk in person. However you do it - get those feelings out. Even if you have to call a crisis hotline - just do it. Tell your story and listen also. Talking and getting it out should be the first step (and probably biggest step) you take toward dealing with that grief.

Be Honest

Be honest with yourself. Don't mask those feelings. Acknowledge to yourself that you are hurting.

In Your Own Time

"We all grieve on our own time line. Do not let others judge you or set your schedule." - J.S. Wade

Thank you Scott for reminding me of grieving in our own time. I have added your exact words here.

Do Things For "YOU"

Do small things for yourself. Exercise (even three 5 minute workouts per day will help). Go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt. Watch a favorite movie, listen to good music. Take a walk. Keep yourself busy. Laugh a little. Laughter helps bring oxygen to your brain, which has healing and relaxing powers. Pray, meditate. Tell your story. I enjoy cutting up some avocado and cucumber and drizzling some olive oil over it with a few grinds of Himalayan salt - this is a taste treat that always picks me up!

Therapy

Get professional help, if needed. Talk with a counselor, therapist, psychologist, etc. I've been speaking with a therapist for about 6 months now and it's making a big difference. The thing with mental health therapy is you have to get to the bottom before you can get better. I've heard people say that a therapist only made their problems worse. That's when I say you have to be patient with it. You're going to experience the storms first before you get to the calm.

Diet / Exercise

In order to get through grief you must not only take care of your mental health. You must also care for your physical health. Diet and exercise go hand in hand. Make sure to get your greens in - Spinach, kale, broccoli, seaweed, spirulina, cabbage, romaine lettuce, arugula, etc. These contain phytochemicals and antioxidants which keep the body strong. Include olive oil, avocado, seafood (protein, oils), chicken (protein), beef (iron), whole grains (fiber), root vegetables such as carrots, onion, garlic, ginger, beets are all important. Sprinkle a bit of Ceylon cinnamon onto your whole wheat toast or your bran cereal even in your herb tea. Of course you can (and must) treat yourself to those ever important comfort foods such as ice cream, cake, cookies, cheeseburger, pizza, and so forth. Just remember 5he majority of your diet should fall within the healthy sector - your heart and your brain (quite possibly your knees) will thank you a little further down the line.

Get a little exercise in. Maybe go for a 20 minute power walk. I usually do three sets of 5 minute workouts throughout the day. I do a combination of low impact cardio, some light dumb bells, stretching, etc. Beathe, remember to breathe.

You've Got To Be Your Own Best Friend

Take it easy on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. We're all going to make mistakes along the way. That is okay to make mistakes. We are all only human. We were born to make mistakes. We were born to hurt each other. We were born to misunderstand things. That is the nature of being human. Of course the goal is to learn from our mistakes. To face our wrongs. But don't be so hard on yourself. Don't hold these things against yourself. You are allowed to forgive yourself and you are allowed to move on. Even if those around you won't forgive you or let up on you, that is still okay. Because you can forgive yourself. Move on and take it easy on yourself. You've got to be your own best friend.

The video below is a beautiful song titled "(You've Got To Be) Your Own Best Friend" from 1976-77 by the Walter Murphy Band.

Rest / Sleep

We hear this one all the time; get enough rest. Guess what? It happens to be true. One dealing with grief, dealing with depression, dealing with an overloaded schedule must make sure to get enough sleep and enough rest. On those nights when I am not able to get the proper amount of sleep I take power naps throughout the day, maybe a few half hour naps throughout the day. That helps me through and it keeps my mind and check.

Cry / Tears

Yes, guys! You knew this one was coming. Completely letting it all out is so very important especially those that have experienced extreme grief, as I have. But wait, a man must be strong. He can't be crying. Let's dispel that myth. Tears are not a sign of weakness. Tears are the beginning of healing. They are an acknowledgement of pain and hurt. Tears are a cleansing - the proverbial cleaning out the closet. Tears are the strongest thing a man can ever express. Tears are the first step to joy.

Sometimes you can't help it - those tears are going to come flowing no matter how much you try to resist. Don't resist, just let nature take its course. Nature knows what it's doing. Cry with a trusted friend present or cry with a friend on the phone. Because after you're done crying it sure does help to have someone to talk with. If you can't do that then cry in private just let it all come out in the privacy of your space. You can always call someone up afterwards. Sometimes it even just has to happen that those tears end up coming out in public. If that should happen that is okay. Do not hold that against yourself. As I said earlier, let nature take its course.

Conclusion

That's it guys. Grief is not something only women deal with. It hits us guys also. The strongest guys are the ones that deal with their grief, face their pains and move forward. Some forms of grief such as losing a loved one at a young age will never go away. But we can learn to face that grief and move forward with it.

Thank you my friends for letting me rant about grief… This has been a freeing exercise for me. I feel good!!! 😎🙂🤪

With Love, RHC