Hats Off To You Dad!

What is a father? A father in my opinion is anyone who was able to provide the energy to balance the masculine energy within you. We are taught that we are male or female based on the body we are born into. New age teachings, which is basically a urecycling of ancient teachings, indicates though we are male and female we do carry the energies of both within us. Feminine energy governs our emotions and masculine energy governs our survival; atleast that is my interpretation of it all because it makes sense.

The say fatherhood is simple. It means showing up; being present. Masculinity screams brute strength and vitality and is what children, who knowingly recognize their vulnerability to the world around them, depend upon for security. Knowing you have that spare card in your pocket creates a sense of security, without it I believe we grow up questioning the intentions of everyone around us. This is not to say women don’t portray strength, they just project it in a different way. That is the way the world works, to each their own strengths and weaknesses. It still doesn’t mean you luck out if you have had the privilege of living and growing with your biological/step father. You can live and grow with a biological/step father and still be robbed of that feeling of fatherhood due to their absence - either mentally or physically.

I am blessed to have my biological father be my father figure in this lifetime. As a matter of fact, most people would say this about my father. He has instilled so much hope and reassurance to so many lost people, that I have had many people say to me personally how much of an honor it was to have been introduced to my father.

Not a lot of credit or light is shone upon single parent households ran by a male figure, and this is where fatherhood gets tricky. I believe people assume because it is a man, he will never lack opportunities to progress regardless of his situation. It may be true and it may not but I don’t think my dad was given any free passes. He worked two jobs, slept maybe 5 hours everyday including weekends and failed miserably in the first few years after my mom left. He did not have a clue on how to raise four girls and it showed in everything he did in those first few years. To top it all off, though he has never admitted to it, he suffered from depression during that time. I know this now that I am older based on everything I witnessed. I recall asking him as an adult what stopped him from diving into the deep end to end it all and he had one simple response – “You guys! I couldn’t leave you alone.”

Being a dad; being a parent on the hold requires sacrifices but being a single parent requires double the efforts. I believe the sacrifices one makes really tells a lot about one’s character. Dad sacrificed his personal life because we were very young and could not comprehend the extent of the separation or what caused. We - me, my sisters and my dad, always believed mom would come back. Unfortunately , she never did. When my dad recognized this, he just hit a pause on his personal life. I am sure he had relationships, he just never introduced them to his children. I regret this because I do believe he had opportunities to be happy, he just chose to never take them for the sake of our happiness and hopes.

It was rough, the first few years after she left. Financially we were not doing well but Dad still ensured we had great birthdays and Christmases. I believe this is the true start to our family traditions. For instance, every birthday and every Christmas after my mom left, we always received a card from Daddy. It started off with few words like ‘Merry Christmas you filthy animal’. No, it did not but it felt like the right time to say that. The few words were ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘Love Dad’. Over the years that changed to long exaggerations of how happy and proud he was to be our Dad.

Not having a father figure in his life played a big part in him being the person he grew up to be. Never knowing how to ask for help because his belief system was he was in this alone and didn’t have that fall back, never did. Much before my mom left this played out largely, he was strict; ran our home like Baron von Trapp ran his in Sound of Music. When mom left, however, he was forced to evolve because that Baron nature would not get him through this. That would explain the messy years after she left but I look back now at how much he grew, how much he pushed himself to be the best we would ever need him to be.

I recall him being hard on himself when he missed certain cues in our lives especially when comments were made about his children’s wellbeing, it totally destroyed him. It upsets me today when I look back because I wish people could have been more understanding and seen how much he was already doing; that a little girl with wild hair running around bare feet was not cause to worry. I was happy. My father did all he could to lighten the emotional strain we suffered from living without a mother. He let us be us until of course someone would find cause to point out he was doing it wrong.

The expectations were high all around him and I have to ask, does anyone know how to purchase a bra or even when their daughters should start wearing bras? I still ask for help with this one. Every guy knows about periods but what do you expect a man say to his daughter about her changing body without making her feel uncomfortable? How safe does any man feel when he has the responsibility of four young women – the responsibility of clothing, feeding, educating and protecting. At which point between keeping a roof over their head and being present for every life event is he not expected to fail at least once? My dad did great on every instance above. Yes, I am sure navigating the life of raising four girls did come with awkward discomforts but he trooped through those situations like he knew what he was talking about and it seems like he did.

I may not have adapted everything my father sought to teach me; we butted heads a lot as a teenager because I believed I knew better but a lot of who I am today is because of the sacrifices he would have made. The love he would have expressed and the thoughtfulness he would have exercised.

People always mention that I project an intimidating persona, one that seems hard to approach. “Blame my dad.” I would say. He had a way of instilling fear into people but at the same time be the first person they would find the courage to approach for help. I am him. I am the friend, the sibling, the co-worker, the stranger that people feel comfortable coming to in times of need. I learnt how to be there for people from my father.

Dad was also a scholar, always improving on himself and loved learning new things so much that he studied alongside me while I attended University so he could help me if I needed him. I made fun of him for that but that is the type of person he is. He craved knowledge, loved reading and always had dreams of writing a blog. To be fair he did lead a quite interesting life and would’ve been way more good at this than I am.

My love for books, geography and music were all imprinted on me by him. I get along with older folks because I’ve been hanging out with an older folk most of my life – my best friend is my father. I learned by watching him so much that when my friends comment about how much they love hearing my stories, I have to appreciate the time spent with the old man. People say I have an old soul but I think it’s all copies of my dad reflecting through my being. I pity everyone who has never gotten the opportunity to meet him in his glory days but I believe his legacy lives on in his children. The souls he dedicated his entire life to.

My whole being thanks him for guiding me along my path to being a good human being, not better but good. As I mentioned before, as unapproachable as he was people still loved and adored him because he was always someone they could count on. He understood struggle, he did it his entire life and so was able to recognize it in others. He preached compassion to his children, he showed this to us by the gifts he bought for neighbors and the assistance he provide to people that had nothing, the tips he left as appreciation for anyone who went out of their way to help, the beggars he never left without – whether it was buying them a meal or giving them pocket change. He taught us to always practice forgiveness and understanding to those who did us wrong. He affirmed this every time he firmly stated we should never dismiss our mother. I live my life with the reminder that there are always two sides to every story. My father taught me that.

Through his actions we learnt what reliability looked like. I grew in love because my dad battled his demons to be the best father he could be for us; witnessing his sacrifices and enduring hardships so he could hold up the mountain his children stood on. I gained visons of what true strength was from watching this man, strength that I lean on in times my life gets hard.

I may not be exactly where he would have liked me to be but that sure doesn’t make him less proud. I know this because he said it to me many times over. I can hear his voice in mine when I’m nervous to say what is on my mind and I can feel his energy every time I do something that he has influenced or encouraged me to do.

Today, Dad has Dementia and the man I speak of is no longer there. He does not know who he is and worst, he does not recognize the four beings he spent the latter years of his life watching over. I grieve for him but I see him every time I look into the mirror. He is the permanent frown on my face that makes people laugh like he always did, the soulful eyes that people find comfort in like he once provided. My hands are his hands and they work to help others like he did once upon a time.

We are, my sisters and I, our father’s legacy.