I now Pronounce you: Stressed.

So you're engaged to your partner, ready to spend the rest of your life together, and you're about to plan a wedding. My advice? Don't. Save yourself the hassle, and elope. Run while you still can from the most expensive, exhausting, weirdly altruistic social traditions our culture has to offer, and go on a nice trip with your new partner or save for a house or a dog or a child or a Master's degree. Your wedding isn't what's left at the end of the day. It's just you and your partner and a couple memories. I promise you it's time, money, and energy better spent somewhere else. Let me explain by giving you a run down of my wedding day.

And for the record, I am still very happily married, so no, this isn't some bitter account of a day I "wasted" because I no longer love the guy I married. I adore him and would like to state for the record that he was an extremely good sport while wedding planning caused me to temporarily lose my mind. This is a bitter account of a day, nay, a year I wasted caring about a big expensive party that ends up being more about making literally everyone other than the bride and groom happy, that now I look back and don't care about.

My wedding was gorgeous. It was a perfect winter day: the sun was out, and there was almost no snow on the ground at all. We were up at 6am to start hair and makeup for the bridesmaids, to meet the groom, groomsmen and our families for... noon. That's fine, though; 6 hours to get ready is perfectly reasonable when it's your "big day!" I rounded a corner in my perfect princess dress to find all of our closest friends and immediate family gathered in a line facing me, while my husband faced them, waiting to see his bride. The snow started falling ever so softly the moment my husband turned around to see me in my gown, as if we were living in a fairy tale. Then we spent three blissful hours... taking 5000 photos outdoors (10 of which are the only ones we will ever use or look at again), freezing our asses off because that fairy tale snow quickly turned into an apocalyptic blizzard, and trying to make sure the wedding party wasn't getting too drunk to walk down the aisle and not fall down while the vows were exchanged (because they had to sit around and do nothing but drink while they waited for said 5000 photos to be taken). Ahhh... wedding magic.

My gorgeous hair that took 2 hours to curl was ruined as soon as that snow started falling and had to be re-done by my mom and bridesmaids at the ceremony space with 20 minutes to spare before the ceremony while: I had a mini stroke about how to bustle my dress, I was coordinating the DJ and the officiant's set up, I was telling the two amazing runners for the day where to set up desserts, I figured out what to walk down the aisle with because my photographer lost my frickin' bouquet, I had to make the groomsmen actually help with set up when we were short a table, and I was fielding concerns with the fact that we didn't bring enough alcohol to even hold people off before the ceremony. Alcohol that I, for the record, didn't get a single sip of. That's right. All that booze and not time for a drink of water let alone time to have a drink. Or get drunk. I wish I could have got drunk. The one day where I could have got as sloppy drunk, and un-classy as I wanted and been able to pull it off because, duh, I'm in a princess dress and my makeup is flawless. Oh and, of course, it's "my day" so I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Okay, deep breath. On to the ceremony. How is it only 3pm? Magic... magical day... just... dragging, er, flying by...

The perfect songs were selected for the moments down the aisle, songs we will remember for the rest of our lives and show to our kids. Except the ones we already don't remember two years later because the only one that matters are the ones you walk down the aisle to. We cried as we read our personally written vows to each other, we shared a beautiful kiss, and then... a loud, hangry, busy blur. A long receiving line that was near impossible to sound sincere in, after everyone in line already heard us thank the person before them the exact same way and hug them the exact same way and then awkwardly dismiss them without words when the next person stepped up to hug us and get their canned greeting. A HUGE fake smile every time my veil was pulled and my hair ripped out and I, having already been awake for 12 hours with the day barely half over, trying really hard not to say CAN WE NOT DO THIS WITHOUT TOUCHING. Okay, big smiles, time to re-enter the room even though we are already in it, for god knows what reason, file into our spots at the table, and have everyone watch me eat, because that is what marriage is all about. I think.

I maybe ate one bite of food from the incredible menu I crafted because I was too busy making sure things were ready for the next part of the evening, saying goodbye to people who had to "sneak out early" which is a really nice wedding term for "eat the food and leave to go to the bar instead." Next were speeches, which was the only time I saw my husband or any of my friends for the rest of the night, except for when we awkwardly did our first dance in front of everyone even though we will likely never slow dance ever again in our lives and my husband hates dancing. When are the other dances in a married couple's lives supposed to take place? Like, that's the first one... are there other ones we are supposed to be observing as traditions or Holidays? Do we have to sway back and forth with people watching for it to count? I much prefer our routine of me twerking while he laughs and continues playing video games. We skipped the father-daughter and mother-son dances because my dad hates dancing, my husband hates dancing, and frankly I think those are weird traditions that exclude a parent on both side and are kind of creepy. You'll never believe how many questions we got about that!

I danced to one or two fun songs with my friends and the many adorable kids at my wedding who gave me some of the only moments where I felt like royalty before I was forced to then spend 2 hours talking to a bunch of people I didn't know or care to talk to, which was supposed to be a task eliminated by the hair pulling line from earlier, remember? I would have much rather spent it with the people I loved and knew, the ones who flew and drove to celebrate with me, who wanted to dance and have fun, but had to be polite to a bunch of strangers instead because apparently, "that's just what you do". I didn't even get to do tequila shots with my maid of honour. And we love tequila shots.

Then we cut the cake which only about half the guests cared to watch because it's just two extremely tired people doing the 1000th mundane thing with an audience for the day, and, again, why does the cake mean anything? Are there other cakes for other events we are supposed to be joint-cutting? We didn't want a cake. We don't really even like cake. I had donuts at my wedding because I like donuts instead. You know why we got a cake? Because my mother said, "People like cake. You need cake." Do you know how much that cake cost? $500. Do you know how many people ate it? Maybe 15. Did we do the obligatory "freeze a layer and eat it on your first anniversary" move? Yep-- except a year old frozen cake is gross, and we didn't eat it. It took up room in my freezer and was thrown in the garbage when we moved. So who was that cake for? Probably for the same people everything else was for. I'll give you a hint: it's not the bride or groom!

I think the worst advice I got about my wedding was to "just enjoy it, because it's your day! Don't stress!" Well last I checked it was not me who got to sit and look at the centrepieces we spent hours making or even eat the meal or try the signature cocktail or take home the cute wedding favours (okay maybe I got the leftovers but still). MY day? You know what, Mary? If I didn't stress, you wouldn't be eating that amazing poutine with your heart shaped chicken and waffle skewers, or have those fun personalized wedding questionnaires it took me hours to create that you are instead using as a place mat, or a table to sit at with a perfectly sparkly table runner, or a DJ that doesn't make you play dumb wedding games because we paid him not to. Every detail I stressed over for so long, the friendship I ended, the tears I cried, were so that I could make sure things were planned properly for your enjoyment. The hours I spent hugging and talking to people I don't know about god knows what to be "polite"? Wasn't for me. So no, Mary, really, YOU enjoy YOUR day.

It's kind of like when you think back to your high school prom. How at the time every detail of that day was of utmost importance, and now you don't even remember your class song or wonder why the hell you wore your hair like that. I spent hours crying, days setting up, months of planning and saving and spending for this wedding day that was a total blur and now... totally unimportant. I literally sacrificed my mental health getting lost in the perfection of it all, in the details, in the need to make it "the big day". Sure, we got a cool video out of it, some lovely gifts, some nice photos with our family... but none of that makes us a better couple. None of that makes us love our family and friends more. None of it was worth giving up our happiness in the pursuit of perfection or pleasing others.

Sure, if on top of spending over $10,000 minimum on a big wedding you also want to pay thousands to a wedding planner and day-of coordinator, maybe your wedding can be yours to enjoy and attend for the low low price of a couple years of mortgage payments, which may be worth it to save your sanity! But if you aren't willing to sacrifice your first born child to have a stress-free wedding, chances are it's yours to plan and execute, and when you start planning, you'll wonder... who is all of this for? Notice how all of the things I mentioned as part of the gorgeous portion of my day, the things I liked, the things my husband and I will remember, were things that all could have happened without hundreds of other people or a big buffet or centrepieces or head table or cake?

I know what you're thinking; not all brides feel like she does, it's not guaranteed I won't enjoy my wedding, maybe she just had shitty help, and she can shove it because I've already promised the photographer my car and my soul as a downpayment on the wedding day package (which doesn't include any of the photos being given to me). I can guarantee you that the issue was not with my help-- I had bridesmaids, my sisters, my mom and my moms friends slaving away beside me for set up, offering to help, but the pressure of making the day perfect, wanting everyone else to enjoy it, and not wanting to hire a planner left me sick about every detail that day with no hope of being "relaxed and enjoying my day". I'm sure there are brides that truly had a fairy tale day, that got to sip champagne and not lift a finger and who spent every moment smiling and looking beautiful and celebrating their love with their new partner and 140 of their closest friends. I can also guarantee you, however, that these women did not plan their own wedding, or have to do any day-of coordination. They literally just got to show up and be a guest at their own wedding. If that's not going to be a possibility, think about the fact you may not enjoy this whole thing.

I implore you as someone who genuinely cares about the wellbeing of women/brides/soon to be wed humans everywhere: if you weigh all of this out and it's still important to YOU to have a big and dreamy wedding, wait, save, and pay the money for a planner so you can actually attend your wedding. Notice how I said important to YOU. Not if "your parents would kill you" if you didn't have a wedding, not if you "don't want to look like a snob", not if "all my friends had weddings and it would be weird for them not to be at yours". No one else should matter when it comes to your wedding. No one but you and your partner. That's why at the end of the day I truly believe a wedding isn't going to serve you well. If you're having any second thoughts about having a wedding, if you've thought, "what the hell are we even doing this for?" if you've thought, "why didn't we just run away to Vegas?" then, please, don't have a wedding. There are going to be a zillion more opportunities in your life to do things for others-- let the celebration of your union in love not be one of them, and know that's okay.