Who did I let myself become

Today I had a revelation, and it has set me on a path to try to get healthy again, back to someone I like seeing in a mirror. This is a two edged sword though. You see, I’m a recovered anorexic. I realize that I have struggled with this off and on since I was a teenager, now I am almost 51 and find myself unsure, on the verge of those old habits. And yet, finding the need to be healthier.

Body dismorphia was always a thing for me, I would always look in a mirror and see myself as bigger than I actually was. Somewhere along the line that changed, I have been avoiding looking at myself because I visualize myself as smaller than I am now. Perhaps I recovered too well, I currently weigh more than I have ever weighed and yet I didn’t see myself as a person who weighed what I do now. People my height and my current weight are fat, over weight, obese, whatever you want to call it, but in my minds eye I wasnt any of those. That is, until today! Today I videoed myself in leggings and a sports bra. I saw myself from every angle. I have not taken care of myself at all! I am over weight, and I need to get that back under control.

How do I do that and not go too far? I mean I have a long way to go before I can possibly go too far, but I don’t want to end up back at the beginning of my recovery journey either.

I want to be attractive and sexy again, I want to be able to look in a mirror and not cringe. I am not unrealistic, I know I am older now and won’t have the body I had in my twenties and early thirties, but I can look better than this.

So, where do I start, I have set a goal, a weight goal and an image goal. I’m currently 199lbs., at my height, and age I should be about 140 lbs. if I can attain that I will be back to wearing clothes I enjoy instead of clothes that cover my belly or hide my fat. Maybe, just maybe, I can walk by a mirror and actually look at myself, I mean really look at myself. Not avoid my reflection in a window, not look away or look down or walk by as quick as I can so I don’t see what I have become. I want to look in that mirror, or that window and be proud of what I see, proud of what I have accomplished through discipline, and exercise, and healthy choices.

So..... I guess I just start..... so today I exercised, I pushed a bit to finish the whole routine, but I did it. I ate healthy today, cereal at breakfast, salad for lunch with a lite dressing, 3 ounces of cheese for protein. Tonight I will eat dinner with my family, just a smaller portion than I would normally have. I will drink my water. I will hold my head up and know that one day at a time I will start to recognize the old me, both physically and mentally. Tomorrow, I will repeat, exercise, eat healthy and drink water. Rinse and repeat until I get back to a healthier, happier me.

I chose a butterfly as the picture for this story because that is who I will be, a butterfly who has gone through the pain of change to become something beautiful.