When Nothing Means Everything
A journey of a million steps
I've been given a "six-month to live" diagnosis since 1999. First, doctors said cancer would kill me in six months if I didn't have chemotherapy and radiation, which wasn't true. I survived and thrived without the hugely toxic treatments they proposed as the only way out of a death sentence. Instead, I learned how emotions directly affect the body. Specifically, how negative emotions can create fertile ground for stress and disease. The first glance into metaphysics and positive thinking came to me through Louise Hay and her book, You Can Heal Your Life, which I totally recommend if you're looking into ways of self-healing and self-love and self-forgiveness.
Six years later, in December 2005, I had the [miss]fortune of being infected (knowingly) with HIV and readily diagnosed positive in March 2006. A diagnosis I welcomed with open arms as my VIP ticket to a quicker death. Sad but very true. As life had it, I was ready to give up back then and HIV was simply the perfect way to do it whilst still feeling victimized by circumstances. In truth, I didn't understand much of life, happiness, or love. I never did. My whole life had been up to that point, a massive question mark. A great challenge for survival in complete darkness. Blinded by my inability to understand my surroundings or make sense of people's actions and reactions. It is not difficult to guess the abuse from childhood that created very persistent feelings of worthlessness and loneliness, anger, fear, depression, and loss.
A couple of years later, in 2008, I learned by pure coincidence about RethinkingAIDS, a group of scientists from around the world lead by the theories of Dr. Peter Duesberg. This group calls for the scientific reappraisal of the HIV/AIDS hypothesis. At first, I couldn't believe HIV/AIDS could be challenged at all. I truly thought the whole HIV/AIDS idea was set in stone, in millions of headstones from the people who die and have died of AIDS since it all started back in the early '80s. The gay pandemic that attacked largely just a certain part of the population. A virus that was passed from human to human through shameful sexual intercourse or sharing of needles. A virus that not only killed your immune system but also contributed to the total annihilation of any sense of self-worth, pride, confidence in a happy, healthy life, and with the possibility of falling in love completely gone. _ At least that was the reality in my mind back in those days.
Understandably, in 2008, only one year after been diagnosed HIV positive, I considered my life over and wanted nothing but a quick death. But then, a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. RethinkingAIDS had come into my life and with it, a new sense of hope and self-empowerment had become part of me. Once the shock of finding out had passed, I began to research more, observe more, question even more. And the more I read and saw, the more I knew RethinkingAIDS presented a huge opportunity to learn more about myself than ever before. Not even cancer had HIV's power of deception and transformation. And so, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and self-empowerment once again. A leap of faith that put my life at stake, it's true. But this quest was worth everything I had, for I had very little and I was aiming to achieve the highest price of all. Knowing who I am, what am I made of, and what am I doing on this planet. Discovering my talents, abilities, and strengths by embracing weakness, vulnerability, and shame.
Twelve years later, I'm still alive and thriving. Free of toxic treatments and happier, healthier than ever before. - It hasn't been easy; I bet you can imagine that, and I humbly thank the few times doctors saved my life in the past when anxiety, doubt, and fear got hold of my mind. Not treating the disease as one big horrible syndrome but as an individual disorder. Of course, taking full responsibility and working full time with my body, mind, and emotions. All in deep meditative states, learning about one-self to locate and heal the origin of any malady.
Kundalini Yoga and Meditation have become the core of my chronic healing, and in 2018 I created Tappilini, a fusion of Tapping or EFT and Kundalini meditation. Over the many years, I have learned to silence my mind, tame my demons, and let go of attachments to drama, pain, and trauma. In return, I've got NOTHING. No pain, no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, no shame, no insecurity, no doubt, no disease. Not even in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic.
Today I woke up and asked myself, How are you feeling? Let your body guide you. And my body said nothing, like a swiss clock ticking the passing of time in perfect harmony with the many parts that make it, my body said nothing but It's Time. It's time to share the experience and enjoy life. Then, I got up and began to write. What's next? I guess only time will tell.