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The Year I Gained 60 Pounds

by Natasha Garrido Rains about a year ago in humanity
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And, not in a “She’s got nice curves now” way.

And, not in a “She’s got nice curves now” way.

It’s so hard to talk about weight, especially when it comes to this day and age because of the fear of offending, triggering or going against the #bodypositivitymovement that I personally believe has been so helpful for the mental sanity of so many people out there.

But I just have to premise this by saying that, 1) When I look back, I didn’t think I was becoming less beautiful the more I gained weight 2) I am not naturally, or on a healthy diet the size I got to 3) I was very content and even happy at my heaviest weight — on one side of things.

What’s interesting about my weight gain is that it was so gradual, that I honestly almost didn’t notice it for a while, or… I just didn’t mind it. However, I was building bad habits that really took a toll on my physical and mental health.

The Other Side

For about 3 years prior to this gain, I wasn’t living the healthiest lifestyle either. Even if I was lower on the scale and had a smaller waist. For those three years, I would go through phases of eating whatever I wanted, but if I did that, I would punish myself by working out for 3–4 hours, and then telling myself that I would never be good enough. And, when I did eat more whole foods and fueled my body correctly, I would work out less but then beat myself up for not being able to work out the 3–4 hours I usually did.

It was a toxic cycle of telling myself I had to attain a certain physique to be seen as someone worth loving. I lost so many friends this way through the years because of it… I couldn’t miss a workout and would cancel plans with people in order to make sure I wouldn’t gain even a little bit of weight.

The Reality

Our bodies are ever-changing, weight fluctuates from day to night. I wouldn’t allow myself to accept that and it was extremely damaging. That’s why when I took a break from working out, and let go of all those restrictions on myself, I finally felt freed.

The reason I said I was happier at my heaviest is due to the fact that I finally stopped telling myself I wasn’t good enough on a daily basis. I stopped comparing myself to every single person in a room. I stopped criticizing myself so harshly, looking for all the parts of my body that I “needed” to change.

But then, I had to jump back into reality.

Through the year, I had moved to the opposite extreme. Even if I am glad the toxic mindset was gone, there are still a whole list of other negatives that come with gaining weight in an unhealthy way.

Because I didn’t work out and stopped eating healthily, I had so many more episodes of depression, constantly felt unmotivated, walking around made me tired, I couldn’t focus on anything, and my confidence was extremely low.

It was over a year of not caring, and then realizing that in order to truly care for myself, I needed to figure out how being healthy should look like, and be lived out for me. And that’s what I did.

The Process

As we all know, people learn from their mistakes and what works for them. And, as 2020 arrived and progressed, that’s the process I went through. I could finally run a mile again without stopping. I could lift my body off the ground without my arms giving up.

I feel stronger.

I’m learning to be happy with where I am at.

I don’t punish myself at the gym if I decide to have a cheat day, and I don’t keep indulging in food when I’m sad or make mistakes. I do what my doctor tells me to and I strive to do my best every single day.

So, here is to 2019, the year I gained more weight than I ever have before. For showing me that a specific size doesn’t reflect who I really am, or dictate my happiness. But also revealing to me that salads can be enjoyed; they aren’t just as a punishment.

Real Talk

I truly hope this sheds light on the fact that even if someone may seem or look healthy, it doesn’t always mean that they are. And even if someone seems happy when you’re with them, they could still really be hurting inside.

Spread love and don’t ever compare yourself to how someone may seem,

there’s usually something hiding beneath the surface.

If you are currently struggling, please reach out, find help.

https://twloha.com/find-help/help-by-topic/eating-disorders/

https://twloha.com/find-help/help-by-topic/depression-anxiety/

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support

For Crisis Situations, text “NEDA” to 741741

#selflove #eatingdisorders #twloha #mentalhealthawareness

humanity

About the author

Natasha Garrido Rains

Writing | Illustrating | Design

I have too many stories to tell, so here I am.

https://www.instagram.com/natasharains/

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