The Waffle Tug-o-war

Do you ever feel so hungry that no matter what you eat, there is no way you could get full? That’s what I’m trying to fight to lose weight. My family is going through enormous stress. My grandmother who lives at a minimum of a three-hour flight away is extremely sick. My dad left yesterday to be down there. It is me, my three siblings beneath me, and my mom.

Do you know what I want? I want waffles, homemade. I want them to be like when I was a freshman in college, and I gained all this weight. I’d put the batter in the industrial waffle maker, and wait until it was just fluffy, light golden brown. It would be almost undercooked but oh so light. It was a big Belgian waffle. And right next to the waffle maker, you didn’t even need butter, because there was light fluffy whipped cream in a container you scooped with a ladle and then you spread it all over this piping hot still smoking waffle, and then the crowning jewel: chocolate. I’d go and find an empty table where I could look out the 180-degree windows. You could see mountains, and the parking lot and the school buildings and suddenly it didn’t matter that it was whatever god awful time in the morning it was and it didn’t matter that there was class, and you had to be at it, there was just this beautiful waffle. And for that minute, you had all the time in the world.

That is what I want. I want all the time in the world because I have something so delicious it makes time stop. I want to eat, and eat, and eat, because no matter what I eat, it can’t fix what’s happening. And yet somewhere deep in me, I have this secret hidden hope, that maybe, it can. I have this hunger for a solution, hunger that can’t be subdued. If I ate something right now, I’m not sure I could stop eating.

Have you ever felt so numb and so lost, that it felt like if you ate something, it would fall through you because your stomach has rotted away? That is how I feel right now. My head wants food, delicious food. But my stomach, can’t bear the thought of trying to eat, and even if it could, what would I have? There's nothing that sounds even remotely appealing. The waffle has as much appeal as cooked spinach, to which I am extremely sensitive to and hate with a deep passion.

My arms are on either side of this tug of war, to eat, because I want to eat, or to starve because I can’t hold on to the strength to withstand the fight to be healthy. To eat, because maybe it will help, or to not, because my head knows it won’t. To allow myself to indulge in what I know is wrong for the sake of my momentary happiness, or to not because long term I know it will only make me feel worse. How does one fight instant gratification? How does one get strong enough to stand up to themselves?

I think today’s answer, is compromise. I’m going to eat waffles, but they are going to be the Kodiak high protein waffles, with chocolate chips. I will have whipped cream, but instead of extra chocolate, I will have berries on the side. I will have it with milk, and I will eat until I’m full. I think that’s all I’m strong enough to withstand. But at the same time, I’m proud to hold to that. To cling to health, rather then bad habits, which before I wouldn’t have even blinked at doing.