The Two Words I Hate Most

The two most hated words in my vocabulary are weight loss. This wasn’t learned from magazines, TV, or movies. I didn’t think about my weight until I got into middle school. My mom kept telling me that I was gaining too much weight and that it would affect my movement because of my disability.

A part of me knew that she was right. However, I hated the daily reminders nonetheless. At that stage in life, I loved food. It was a comfort to me because it never talked back. I didn’t have to worry about what food thought about me.

So, I continued to eat. I saw myself go from a size 12 in middle school to a size 18 in my senior year. Throughout that time, I didn’t care about eating healthy. I did exercise and had physical therapy. However, with the disability, it was hard to move, and I was constantly tired. A part of me worried that I couldn’t stick with an exercise regimen.

I kept getting the daily reminders from my mom that I was getting bigger and bigger, but I drowned them out with whatever was around at the time, like books, anime, and television. I kept telling myself that weight didn’t matter, and it wouldn’t bother me.

However, I noticed a change when I started my Master’s degree program. I was having a harder time getting around campus. It worried me that a few years ago, I was fine getting to class, but now I was out of breath and had to take breaks to rest.

At that point, I realized weight was a problem, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Tried exercising at that point, and it didn’t stick. I tried changing my diet. It would work for a while, then stop, and I would gain the weight back again.

It was a sad cycle of self-loathing, with the gaining and losing weight, and the addition of my mom telling me to lose weight all the time. I wanted to lash out and tell her that she was overweight herself, but I knew that wouldn’t be a productive conversation, and I hated conflict. So, I kept repeating the cycle until I got to 250lbs. I could barely walk around, and I was miserable all the time.

I got to the point that I hated being miserable, so I decided to cut out snacking. I hated doing that because I loved to eat, but I was curious about what it would do. I noticed that I lost 30lbs which helped me move around a little bit more, but I wasn’t able to lose more.

I thought that I would be stuck at that weight. However, an unfortunate thing happened a couple of years ago. I noticed that I was having daily diarrhea no matter what I ate. I would be spending hours in the bathroom because of it. Since going to the doctors during COVID took months, I decided to experiment a little bit. I took away one of my favorite things I loved to eat: dairy. It was hard because cheese and ice cream are my favorite things, but I went through with it. I was down to having diarrhea every other day. I decided to be more drastic and take away gluten and fried foods (except for French fries, I couldn’t bear to part with those).

I hated every second of it, but it worked. The diarrhea stopped, and I started to lose weight. I not only felt better, but I could move better. However, some things never changed. My mom kept telling me I was losing too much weight. I accepted I would never win with that and focused on other things.

I felt like I finally got a handle on my weight until last year, when I was hospitalized for my breathing. I couldn’t walk or really move around. I started gaining back the weight again, and started hearing that I was getting too big. I needed to lose weight because my parents are older and can’t move me around very well.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I know that I have to lose weight for my parents to take care of me. However, the daily reminders hurt nonetheless. Right now, I am trying to substitute just having a smoothie for breakfast and exercise. I haven’t seen any results yet, but I believe it will be a work in progress. Despite the daily reminders of weight, I know realistically it is going to take time, despite other people’s expectations. As long as I become healthier and stronger, I know that things will be okay.