The Strange Thing About Sugar

I remember being six years old and sneaking into the kitchen to eat hot chocolate powder out of a bowl. It was Cadbury’s, and in those days, it used to come in these purple tins. I’d pop the lid open with a spoon and eat it plain, without milk. I still do that! I also remember the day I drank cough syrup like it was Pepsi, straight from the bottle, because of how sugary sweet it tasted. I couldn’t have been more than five years old. Luckily, nothing bad happened (and I definitely don’t do that anymore), but it really goes on to show how skewed my sense of reason is when sugar is concerned.

As far as I know, my sweet tooth is an inherited one. My grandmother could, famously, finish a whole tub of ice cream by herself. My mother is an excellent baker, and I grew up eating her signature chocolate cake. The aroma used to waft all over the house, like a dreamy love potion.

I want to point out that I’m a huge advocate of treating yourself. There’s nothing “evil” or “bad” about sugar (or any food you like to indulge in). Food is food is food, and assigning moral value to it is a pointless exercise. It’s just that my relationship with sugar clearly goes far beyond what’s normal or healthy, and it’s set me on trying to understand why sugar has such an effect on me.

I have, in recent years, been trying to reduce my sugar intake. I actually went on a restrictive three-month cleanse, which I only broke to indulge on my birthday weekend. That was two years ago. I haven’t been able to quit sugar since.

It’s Everywhere!

Sugar is hard to let go of, in part because it’s in practically everything. There’s sugar in bread. There’s sugar in ketchup. I have severe trust issues with anything store-bought and processed that claims to be “healthy” or a “diet snack” because I just know it’s hiding secret quantities of sugar.

Besides that, it’s the most acceptable way to treat yourself. I know I do it all the time. Whether it’s the occasional Starbucks mocha or the spoonful of chocolate powder I sneak in sometimes to get me through the day, sugar is always accessible. There are certain kinds that I don’t like (you won’t see me eating the icing on a cake, I find that repulsive), and certain kinds that make me feel ill (caramel popcorn), but there are also varieties that I can’t say no to. Like ice cream. Ice cream is my favourite food item, period. I could eat ice cream for lunch--and just that. In fact, I have in the past.

But in recent months, my relationship with sugar has been changing. I now feel like it controls me. And I’m watching it control me, as though a voyeur in my own body.

The Sugar Mind-Control

Here’s the thing. I don’t actually like sugar as much anymore. Even small quantities make me feel sick. Yesterday I made a chocolate sauce to go with pancakes, and I found it so overwhelming that I actually felt queasy. I ate a pear last week and was shocked at how oppressively sweet I found it. A pear! A fresh fruit!

In a way, this is a good thing, because I’ve been working on reducing my sugar intake for months. As I’ve been exercising more and taking care of my health, over-indulging myself with sugar has increasingly felt like I’m hurting myself.

However, and here’s the wild part, I can’t stop eating it.

Almost every other day, I find myself reaching for a sugary snack. I find myself consciously thinking, wow, I don’t want this, and then I watch, almost helpless, as my hands act of their own accord and I’m suddenly ankle-deep in chocolate cookies. I ate six marshmallows and I didn’t enjoy a single one. It’s not like I forget my dislike for these things. I know I won’t enjoy it, and I do it anyway.

What is this self-sabotage?

The jury is still out on whether sugar really is addictive or not, and I’m no scientist so I’m not getting into it. All I can say is, for me, it’s less about the satisfaction and more about the habit.

While I’m not about to completely restrict myself from it (past experience has taught me this won’t work), I want to have more control over when I eat it and how much I actually enjoy it.

Perhaps I’m already getting there. Today I almost ordered some Minibons online, but I took one look at the pictures and felt sort of sick. So I listened to my body and closed the tab. I do plan on having those Minibons, mind you. When I know I’ll really enjoy them. Perhaps next weekend?