The Rabbit Hole of Existence

Roughly two years ago, I found myself rather curious about the myriad sources of spiritual knowledge available to us in this cosmic incarnation. I would spend a quarter of each day diving into the mysteries of alchemy, consciousness, ego, and the infinite perspectives on each and more.

The influx of new perspectives acquired from these deep dives gave me a sense of belonging, a rush of excitement about the uncharted territory of life, and the sense that I was diving into the fundamental truths of existence.

It wouldn't be long before that curiosity became an obsession.

For a while I almost unconsciously found myself soaking up hours of lectures, postulations, analyses, and interpretations on the purpose and fabric of reality.

Gradually the sense of curiosity and belonging metamorphosed into a terrifying and overwhelming sense of existential dread. I began to feel like the sheer vastness of interpretations pointed to one chilling conclusion...

After all these generations...After all these lifetimes...

We still have no idea what's really happening. It is all, at best, guess work.

As hilarious as it would be to end this here, there's more.

There is a peculiar freedom in the inherent formlessness of reality if you're willing to stare directly into the void. This freedom knows no limits and constantly calls out to those with the courage to answer. Before I could truly step into my personal power and stare into the void, I intuitively realized I had to get real with myself about what I was truly looking for in all my searching.

My obsession with the spiritual undercurrents of life were only partially out of curiosity.

My curiosity was mostly about finding something that would act as a buoy in the sometimes turbulent waters of existence here on Earth. I was looking for an answer to the burning question we all have buried under layers of distraction in our minds and hearts.

The farther I searched, the more evident it became that I'd never find what I was looking for. I started to feel an exhausting tension as I grasped for an answer to the mystery of existence. This tension increased exponentially as the teachings, gurus, and guides began to sound alike.

Something along the lines of...

"I don't really know, but someone really intelligent and revered said this so I'm saying it too! I'm just saying it with charisma and capitalizing on your desperation. It's all going to be okay because the alternative is unpleasant to think about. Bye now!"

Suffice to say, one day I gave up the search altogether.

I couldn't deny the fact that I was just digging for what I already knew was unattainable. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't deny the fact that many people were content living and dying with no idea as to where they came from or what they might be here to do. I couldn't deny the fact that I was scared out of my mind and confused about it all.

So I stopped denying it.

I let it in. I gave it a home.

I let in the darkness I'd kept at bay since I was 8 and staring at my ceiling realizing I'd one day die like everyone I loved at some point.

I accepted that no one and no thing could help me escape that. I, for the first time in my life, embraced Death...

And in so doing, fully embraced Life.

I'll never forget the serene silence within my mind and heart on my drive home that day. I'll never forget the way my shoulders finally relaxed. I'll never forget how sweet all music sounded on the way home. I didn't much care to fixate on the music I'd always listened to on the drive home.

I didn't care to judge anything or anyone really. I realized that we were all somewhat frightened creatures with no solid answers as to who and what we were. I realized that we were all doing our best and trying to be understood. We all wanted the same thing whether we admitted it or not.

The rabbit hole of existence began to look like one path from many angles rather than a labyrinth of unfathomable depth and complexity.

After some time away from the spiritual search, I'd begin again, but this time I'd find myself reviewing teachings I'd already heard from a new vantage point. I'd find myself truly listening to the precious, nuanced differences in spiritual practices of all kinds.

The concept of surrender has many connotations, most of them negatively colored and attributed to cowardice.

I vehemently argue to the contrary!

I can't think of a higher form of courage than that which is required to stop toiling against the inevitable. I can't think of a purer bravery than that which is required to face one's own delusion and fear with unwavering resolution.

Why?

Because it is from this acceptance that Love springs forth. It is from the surrender of all things that Abundance flourishes. It is in your emptiness that you are filled with the gifts of Life.

You, me, and everyone we know (a fantastic band) will one day rejoin the emptiness, but right now we have form. You'd think that would make our temporary forms purposeless, but again I'd argue to the contrary!

It gives this cosmic dance meaning. We are the architects of the world of tomorrow whether we recognize that or not. Our greatest fear, is a our greatest teacher in this mysterious plane of existence.

Life and Death are one. We are one. The paths we walk all lead us back home. I express myself in this way to do my part in leading the collective home.

We are individual bodies made up of individual cells and organs. The pattern continues on scales beyond our imagining regardless of our beliefs, colors, and creeds. We are one in Death.

Existence isn't a rabbit hole, it's a shared dream. In this dream, we wake up together or not at all.

Choose wisely. Live boldly.