The Process of Becoming Disabled...

A lot of people were born with certain disabilities. Either mental or physical. I, of course, had due to prematurity latency issues but other than that I was relatively healthy. It wasn’t until recently, after I had been dealing with pain all over my body for 5 years that I started getting answers...and those answers weren’t always welcome.

“Just walk”. My favorite line from doctors back in 2013-2015 where I was desperate for answers. I had been slowly declining rapidly into the depressive phase after the depressive phase. At that time I was not aware of how bad it was but with hindsight being 20/20 let’s just say Major Depressive Disorder rings very true. This, however, was much easier to accept than the Occupational Therapists diagnosis in late 2019.

I sat in his office, fidgeting and not sure of myself- I had been on disability since April 2nd. What if he thought I was lying- what if it was all in my head what if I’m not disabled, but along that train of thought I had to stop myself and think about why I was questioning myself. I couldn’t walk well, I could barely lift anything. I was a far cry from who I was 3 years prior. Fatigue, no energy. Nothing was working for me. And finally in August of 2018 a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia along with a hefty amount of medications. Lyrica being my God Sent option. I was now taking around 6 pills a night and 2 in the morning just to have a semblance of function.

If that’s what you’d call it with being able to do 1 load of dishes and rest for 30 min and then vacuum and be wiped out for the day. We can safely say I was in a serious case of the woe is me. And I’m honestly not even ashamed of it.

Because of et’s face it. Sometimes, when we face our inevitable breaking points, disorders, and disabilities, we deserve a moment to mourn the fading mist that is the intangible “what I could have done”. Not to say that we are “limited” but I will be very frank. I have to ADJUST majorly what I do day-to-day. And that’s okay.

But sometimes you just want everything to be the way that it was. You don’t want to have to be in a wheelchair 90% of the time. You don’t want to have to use mobility aids and ask your husband to lift a jar into the fridge.

Sometimes...you just want to be whatever normal was before your condition came in and made a home for itself causing you to rearrange yourself and everyone else around you.

And you know what? That’s okay.

I had finally, finally got the diagnosis of parenthesis on the upper right side, I had also gotten my restrictions which were way worse than I expected, only 4 hours of work, RARELY WALKING *Oh yay*, along with no lifting unless in a wheelchair and only 10lbs. I also need an MRI and testing to ensure I don’t have MS.

As you can imagine. Reading that over and over again, I felt several things warring for control. First, at the front of it all was a vindication that it was certainly NOT in my head. Second, was despair. And third, was just exhaustion.

I was tired of fighting my disability, tired of trying to make things comfortable for others when I was uncomfortable. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s still taking a lot of work. It’s a slow and steady process of accepting my disability. But, hey...it is what it is and that’s okay. I am okay with telling people now “Look dude I’m Disabled sorry Not sorry.” People tend to get pretty awkward. But that’s okay. Feel awkward, adjust yourself and realize that I won't run by your rules and or capabilities.

Ableism is not on my 2020 Agenda. I’m rather tired of not accepting my limitations because if I was doing that, I would have saved myself an awful lot of strain, stress, and trauma in doing so.

If you’re currently experiencing a change in your abilities to where you are now classified as Disabled. DO NOT let other people define this based on the past you. “You used to...” but “you had a good day yesterday what changed...”. It’s not anyone's business but your own.