The Path of the Lightworker

Today, I cried for the first time in months. I realized everything that’s happened to me thus far has all just been a part of an incredible spiritual journey I’ve been embarking on since day one. Of course, I have known for quite some time that I was on a different type of journey than many people—I just never understood why.

I’ve had conflicting feelings about who I really am for years. Even as a kid, I would sit there and think to myself, Do I want to be goth? Do I want to be preppy? What is my image? Who am I really? I guess I never truly came to the conclusion of who I was. Using Ouija boards for years only furthered my confusion by exacerbating that dark part of myself, which began to grow once I turned fourteen. However, I’m beginning to really question which part of myself is the real me. I have literally come to the point where I have the symptoms of an identity disorder. I talk to the voices in my head that claim to be demons, I dress like I want to kill someone one day, and like I’m a spiritual guru the next day, and my attitude fluctuates between two separate personalities, depending on the day and the people I’m around.

It’s as though the light and dark sides of myself have been at war for ages, and I just can’t seem to pick a side. I’ve even had health issues in half of my body, but none of the tests I’ve had done come back with any viable results to explain the numbness in my arm and leg, stomach problems, headaches on the left side of my head, and random throbbing pains on the whole left side of my body, which have made me restless, confused, and hopeless in the past couple of years. But perhaps, what I really needed to figure out—the root cause of it all—came from deep within. Perhaps, my tarot readings and automatic writing have been right all along.

There is no demon. Not anymore, at least. The demon that lives within me is my shadow, my dark side, which has gone back and forth between being shut out and let out completely my entire life. It has never been able to just sit in the middle, riding the waves, and embracing the fact that it can just exist. Embracing your shadow doesn’t mean to go out and talk to demons, wear dark clothing, and head bang to Satanic music—it means to look at those parts of yourself that are hideous in your mind and accept them. With acceptance comes peace, and with peace we finally begin to steer towards a path of true enlightenment, untainted by our shadows and the illusions that they portray.

I do believe there was a time when there were actual spirits attached to me. I believe this so wholeheartedly that nobody could ever convince me otherwise because they didn’t experience what I went through firsthand. However, despite the belief that has been embedded in me for so long, why do I still question it from time to time? Well, there is no real proof. In fact, every single spiritual phenomena that can’t be proven by science is completely subjective. One could even argue that our entire existence is subjective, because we don’t know why we’re here, and each of us has a completely different experience, unique views, physical sensations, and emotions. We all vibrate on our own frequencies, and mine has been corrupted somehow over the years.

The one thing I do know is that the Ouija board was the catalyst for everything going downhill very quickly. However, what I don’t know is the how and why. Was it a demon that latched onto me, or did I simply contact the dark depths of the Unconscious mind? I could have simply tapped into my own psyche, where the unexplored waves can quickly turn into a tsunami that washes over one’s entire being. We know so little about consciousness that it’s very possible for both of those answers to be true at the same time. Maybe, I did contact a demon. Maybe, the demons all live on the same plane as us, and connect to us through the Unconscious mind, the same place where all of our knowledge, secrets, and our own personal, compartmentalized psyches are kept all squished into one giant super computer.

I believe there is a reason why we were told not to seek out the “forbidden knowledge.” It’s dangerous and very few people can make it out alive without going insane to some extent, or even becoming physically maimed. For me, it seems that both have happened. I’ve opened a door—multiple doors—into the unknown. Many of those times, I left the doors wide open. But how do we know that the door really shuts when we say GOODBYE or wave a magic wand anyways? We don’t. Humans are terrified of the awful truth that we have no real clue about what is going on here. We’re so scared that we actually become cocky, and try to claim that we have all of the answers, spreading around a bunch of knowledge like wildfire that we are unsure about ourselves. So, then, where does the real truth come in? In a way, that brings us right back to the initial question at hand—how do you know who your true self is?

I suppose the only way to find the answers to those questions is to just keep digging. I’ve found that a lot of profound and breath-taking moments have come from my tarot readings and meditations. There is a different sort of feeling when you are connected with the truth, with that Divine Oneness of life, love itself in the purest form. It feels like pure joy, as though you’re floating on a cloud, and suddenly everything makes sense for a moment. No drug can ever make you feel as mighty as the high that’s obtained from pure enlightenment. It appears I’ve lost my true path along the way, and lost touch with my own personal connection to that Oneness myself. As a tarot reader, this is an important connection, and it is the very essence of our work. Without it, we cannot understand ourselves, never-mind being able to intuit information about someone else’s future.

In order to find true enlightenment, one must first become one with themselves. That means that all of the ugly, filthy, sinful, immoral, and unruly must be faced. I have been getting messages for a long time now through my writing, saying I must look in the mirror, and I need to go into the darkness to find the light. At first, I found this ominous, and thought maybe a demon was trying to recruit me into Satan’s army. However, I felt just a little zap from within that told me this writing was a Divine inner truth that needed to be followed. Since I write in riddles, it is nearly impossible to follow a lot of the time, and I don’t know what the Hell is going on until months later, but it always seems to tie together.

Despite the horrendous experiences I’ve had with Ouija boards, and even a couple of tarot readings gone bad, I understand now that this all happened for a reason. In the beginning, I not only misunderstood my own craft, but I disrespected it. After years of doing that, I was taught a lesson—A lesson that has brought me past the point of no return, beyond where most people can even imagine journeying to. This lesson has brought me to face myself, and by facing myself, I connected with the Universal Consciousness. The force within our own minds that links all of our thoughts together along with our Unconscious minds, allowing energy and knowledge to freely flow between all human beings. There are many questions to be asked, but the trick is to ask the right questions. I no longer dwell on wondering if demons and angels are real, and I don’t even ask where the information comes from anymore—I just plug in and take the ride.

When I write in my throne up in the sky, I’m connected to something so profound that even I cannot understand it. Automatic writing is an amazing feat that allows Divine knowledge to simply spill through whatever medium you’re using. Even as I type on the computer, words flow like intricate poetry, and glide along the page without me even thinking about a single thing. That is the beauty of it all. Sometimes, we don’t need to think. Maybe, sometimes, we just need to sit back and roll with the waves. This life can be tragic, but each of us has a journey, which is beautiful in its own way. We are all on a spiritual path, interweaving with each other, some people connecting like pieces of a broken puzzle that nobody is ever able to figure out.

In order to find the true light that we all seek so desperately, one must first journey into the darkness. There are many of us who do not understand such concepts, and don’t even bother to comprehend the spirit realm, because they believe it’s illogical. Then, there are those of us who are born onto a true spiritual path, those who have evolved beyond the “normal” human being. This is what we call a Lightworker. For me, the spiritual path has been filled with tragedy. But then again, I think I knew that it would be before I went on this mission here on Earth. I’m not saying that Lightworkers are better than anyone else by any means—they are simply more enlightened.

The more we push against the evidence, the more it shoves back. But when we ebb and flow with the waves of life, and just accept what truly is, we begin to become conscious. Many of us here are living in pure darkness in a different aspect—a darkness which depicts a negligence to see beyond the veil of what is and what will be, the higher truths that bring us closer to the all-powerful God energy. The more denial we have, the longer it will take for us to find true happiness. The Lightworker often walks a path where they are engulfed in darkness of some sort, but this is only a test. When they finally become one with their higher purpose, they shine brighter than anything you’ve ever seen. They are children of the light, brought here to bring important messages, and lend a helping hand in times of need. I’ve always known that my path was different, and maybe I still don’t have all of the answers, but today I discovered why my path has been different than many others; I am on the path of the Lightworker.