The Best Predictor of Longevity, Health, and Quality of Life

Social connections begin before birth through the bond that is formed between the fetus and the mother. Throughout the years it's been discovered that without connections the brain is more anxious and depressed, so those who invest consistently in quality social relationships stand the most to gain. Their life is happier and quieter, so the best way to achieve that is by developing genuine relationships.

Let's explore several aspects and forms of social connections and find out why they are essential in one's daily life.

The Origins

Perhaps you've noticed how after a stressful day at the office you can instantly recharge your batteries by spending time with close people.

One of the reasons why your mood changes when interacting with dear ones is very strongly related to your brain and its architecture. The brain has a deep social nature because when you were in your mother's womb a very strong connection appeared for the first time.

It is essential to understand that when you are little you are deeply dependent on your significant caregiver - who is usually the mother - because you form your first and strongest neural highways in relation to this human being.

A very surprising discovery that is extraordinarily smart and powerful can be found in a book called Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, written by an author named Matthew Lieberman. He states that people are deeply social animals in great need of connections and relationships, and supports that with a very fascinating fact: Maslow's pyramid  of needs   is a bit different for adults than it is for infants.

In general, the strongest needs are physiological, then safety needs, love and belonging, esteem, and lastly, on to the top of the pyramid, there is a need for self-actualization.

However, as Matthew Lieberman suggests, in the case of a child between 0 and 2 years who can't cope alone with providing for (him/her)self with these necessities, the fundamental need is to connect with a meaningful caregiver who will facilitate access to them. Basically, before a baby needs food or water, they need a creature who will take care of them and love them.

The Lack of Maternal Figures

One last argument about how important people are in your life is related to the early psychological development of children in orphanages.

Unfortunately, there are many countries where these institutions are at full capacity, so there are dozens of orphaned children in the care of one single caregiver. No matter how loving and hard-working such an individual is, they can't address the connection needs for all the children they are taking care of, so they can't replace a mother.

Many of the children from orphanages have been observed over the course of years after they've been adopted, and what happened in most of the cases is that they developed several kinds of mental and emotional problems.

Even though they seemed fine without a strong social bond developed in the early stages of life, it's been concluded that the absence of a caregiver is extremely harmful, and can be compared to the lack of necessary nutrients in the body.

Isolation

You may have experienced the feeling of having something in common with certain people, which is a powerful moment when a real connection appears. This is what usually happens in a community with common activities, hobbies, or purposes in life.

Writer and journalist Johann Hari, in one of his famous books called Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Hope, talks about some underlying causes of depression and anxiety. In one of the 9 chapters of the book, he mentions that a major reason is a disconnection from social circles - family, friends, groups with which you can share values.

Isolation leads to an increased level of cortisol in the body, which is the stress hormone that the brain uses to warn you of a potential threat. Living with a lot of cortisol in your body for long periods of time can cause plenty of issues, from inhibition of neuroplasticity , which is the lifelong capacity of the brain to change and rewire itself in response to the stimulation of learning and experience, to increased inflammation in the body and other health problems.

Moreover, isolation feels as painful for your brain as when you are being punched in the face, so when you feel ostracized by people you care about this can be as painful as physical pain. While physical pain can go away with some medicine, social isolation is harder to overcome if you have no concern for it.

Several experiments study the effect of isolation on the immune system which found that people who were socially isolated and disconnected from other people even for relatively short periods of time were three times more likely to catch a cold than people who were frequently interacting with family, friends, community.

Close Friendships

According to a study from The Survey Center of American Life, the number of close friendships Americans have has declined considerably over the past several decades. In 2021, close to half (49%) of Americans report having three or fewer close friends, compared to the '90s, when less than one-third (27%) said they had three or fewer close friends.

During the past 30 years, there was a social involution, because the pressure in professional life and urbanization have led to the dissolution of people's connections. We live in the most prosperous era in the history of mankind with the highest rate of depression and anxiety, and one of the main reasons for that is the lack of interaction with communities and people.

The Quality Of Relationships

The quality of your relationships and what happens when you meet people in social contexts is essential, because you may not enjoy being in certain groups which do not match your personality and aspirations.

In today's world where everything is moving fast forward, it's important to take some time for self-reflection, to think of what truly matters to you and about what you have experienced during the day. This can be a healthy habit especially for introverts because it is extremely tiring to be connected to the outside all the time.

However, it is equally useful to cultivate quality and meaningful relationships rather than gathering crowds of people that you superficially call friends, when they are actually just acquaintances. The number of close friends can vary because it depends on your ability and energy to maintain the relationships, but quality always beats quantity.

Research shows that the most important factor is the connection you make with these people, whether it makes you feel fulfilled, enables you to share something valuable for both sides with them, and you feel comfortable exchanging thoughts and emotions with them.

A captivating idea proposed by clinical professor of psychiatry Daniel Siegel states that your psychic life is between two extremes of chaos and rigidity, and it's ideal to be able to find a balance.

If you jump all the time from meeting to meeting and you no longer have time for yourself, for reflection, you can find yourself in an area of ​​chaos, it is an imbalance where you are too much outside, too much in relation to others and too little in relation to you.

However, if you only spend time with yourself, you only contemplate but do not bring in your life interpersonal connections you can be on the opposite side of chaos, overwhelmed by rigidity and isolation. The mix between them is perfectly healthy for our minds, and the perfect balance depends on the type of person you are.

What Makes a Good Life?

In one of the longest studies in history called the Harvard Grant Study scientists began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores in 1938 during the Great Depression. In this longitudinal study, their purpose was to find out clues to leading healthy and happy lives - what are the key elements which correlate positively with satisfaction throughout life.

Most of the original participants recruited as part of the Grant Study have died - only 19 are still alive, all in their mid-90s - and their children and grandchildren replaced them in the study.

What they found is that the most important thing that increases satisfaction in life is the quality of the relationships we have with other people.

As Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital, and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School says in his TED Talk, What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness

The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships have a powerful influence on our health[…] Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.

Social Media

Spending time on social media is a tricky thing because social networks give you a false impression of connection. You apparently keep in touch with your friends, you post and see pictures, see published articles, and so on, and it gives you the feeling that you are not alone. However, if you look at what is actually happening in your brain, digital interactions don't manage to replace live interactions.

Physically being with other people, such as playing something together, eating something, holding each other triggers oxytocin release. The same oxytocin is not being released when you are spending time on social media it lacks the organic component of touching, of physical connection, so one of the most important hormones of happiness is missing.

What research shows is that if social media is your only environment or framework for social interactions you do not feel more connected to other people and the likelihood of living in depression and anxiety increases.

Social media has a negative influence, especially for those with hyper-competitive filters who want everything others have because instead of giving you a positive emotion and a state of well-being, it can give you a horrible state. As a consequence, the connection with others weakens because it can make people frustrated and even jealous.

Devices are addictive because they trigger dopamine release, especially the moment you post something and you notice likes, comments, shares from other people. Your brain releases microdoses of dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter hormone that anticipates good things for survival, and dopamine is very strongly involved in your reward circuits, it makes you feel good when you do something that leads to rewarding. However, this is not related to being close to others which provides you with oxytocin.

Blue Zones

There are some areas in the world called blue zones with centenarians, people who reach 100 or over a hundred years. There are 5 areas: Okinawa in Japan where Miyagi from Karate Kid was from, Icaria in Greece, Sardinia in Italy, Nicoya in Costa Rica, and Loma Linda in California.

Studies have noticed that the centenarians in these blue zones have some common routines, such as going to church, so they belong to a community with common beliefs which bring them together. They put their loved ones above all else, are focused on relationships, support, and help each other. This mindset is different than the mindset of people who live in urban areas, especially big cities with competitive environments, and it's strongly linked to increased life expectancy.

Cultivating Relationships

Considering that you live in an environment with a lot of disconnection from the communities, from your tribe, it is critical to consciously aim to reconnect with your loved ones, because it will not happen by chance.

Always remember to call your parents, set up meetings with friends who charge your batteries, with whom you have certain values in common, and try to say kind words to anyone you meet.

What we all need to learn nowadays is that the people around us are not our enemies, they are not the mean high school classmate that hurt us or the co-worker that got that promotion, they are the people we live with every day.

Our brain is constantly craving social connections and wants to get a sense of belonging. Plenty of research shows that most of the addictions come from a sense of disconnection, and several people in therapy claim that heroin, for example, gives them the same feeling as hugging their mother, so they go to extreme lengths to achieve that.

To sum up, the best recommendation is to put relationships first because both neuroscience and social research show that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships.

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The content of this article was adapted and translated with permission from the  Mind Architect Podcast, by Paul Olteanu, Season 2, Episode 7- Which is the best predictor for health, longevity and quality of life