Stuff Nobody Tells You

I have been a widow now for four months and three days. I have had many things to figure out, and I still have a lot to figure out. My husband died three months shy of his 61st birthday.

Let me give you a quick background. I spent more than four decades married to an alcoholic/drug addict. It was not the easiest life, nor can I say it was the hardest.

I have nothing to base this on for anyone else; this is my experience. My husband's hard living was what did him in.

Because of his lifestyle choices, he suffered a painful and undignified death. But that is a story for a different time. The point is he is gone now. I have a messy life on my hands, and I need to figure a way out of it.

Right now, I want to tell you the top five things I wish I had known before his passing. The stuff that no one tells you, and you need to learn before it is too late. Or at least this is how it is for me.

So, because I do not want any unsuspecting women to go through what I have. This is for all you future widows out there. I know you don't even want to think about such a thing. But believe me, it will do you all the favors in the world if you are prepared.

First off, do not mess around and put off these things.

1. Make sure you can get life insurance for your spouse.

That was my first mistake. We married young, so I always thought we had plenty of time to consider this. WRONG, and this is why. I waited too long. It was too late when I knew we needed life insurance. Because once I saw how bad his alcohol and drug problem was, no insurance company would touch him.

That is unless I could afford to pay nearly $900 per month. And I couldn't. His health was already in decline due to him abusing anything he could, from cigarettes to street drugs. So, if you can, I suggest you have some life insurance, no matter how small the policy. You are going to need all the help you can get.

2. Burial and cremation are expensive.

First, check around now for a funeral home with plenty of options. The hospice center asked me what funeral home I wanted to use the day my husband died. They needed to have someone pick up his body.

The day you lose someone is a whirlwind of activity. So, because we had yet to think about this beforehand, I was left with no real options. So, I gave the name of the funeral home most of our family members had used over the years.

They were super quick to call me and set up a time, 4 hours later, to come in and discuss the final arrangements. I had already planned to have him cremated without a service, but so much goes into that, too. I was shocked when they quoted me it would be $5800 to do so.

First, I didn't have insurance; second, I didn't have $5800. So, I talked about a payment plan. They were not too keen on the idea, so they counter-offered to charge me $2000 if I could pay it all at once. So I found a way to scrap up the cash, thanks to my kids, too, and did it that way.

3. Watch Out For Scammers

Just days after my husband died, I began getting strange phone calls. One was from the local pharmacy, where my husband took his medication. They informed me that someone had been calling asking if he had prescriptions ready to pick up.

He didn't, but he was on some strong meds before he died. Being that he had an addiction and ran with questionable company, I assume it was someone he knew, hoping to score some drugs before anyone noticed. So, take time to alert the pharmacy, just in case.

I also had a few other people he knew contact me to say he owed them money before he died. This is funny because they thought they could convince me to pay them for debts they said he owed. So yeah, nice try.

4. Did They Seriously Say That?

People can be so weird when someone dies. Many people have said strange things to me because we did not have a funeral for my husband. For instance, how disappointed they were that they did not get to pay their respects.

Others wanted the complete rundown of how he died. If they didn't already know, they did not really know him. Then you have the family members calling you to ask how you are constantly.

So many are asking if I am going to be okay. How will I survive financially? What will I do next? Will I move in with one of my kids? So on and so on. You get the idea right. I'm only 59, so no, I'm not ready to pack it up yet if I don't have to live with my kids.

5. Your Not Doing It Right!

Next, I guess I'm not grieving correctly. I have never opened up with my personal life details or feelings much. But I have one friend who calls me up occasionally with questions like this.

Have you had your big breakdown yet? (me, uhm, no big breakdown). This particular person thrives on drama, so no matter what I say, she would repeat it in the most dramatic way to others we know.

So If I say I'm doing okay, no need for a big breakdown, this gets relayed as, " Oh my god, I'm so worried about her. She is not letting her feelings out to process this. She is depressed or keeping too much inside. (I'm not.)

If I say, Yeah, I had a tough night. I cried myself to sleep to her. This means, she is handling this all wrong. I'm scared she is depressed and heartbroken, and it will make her sick. (blah, blah, blah.) (Again, I'm not.)

So as you can see, how I handle this makes no difference. But people don't understand. Everyone grieves differently. What I am handling these days is revamping my life and my finances, tying up loose ends, Figuring out my finances. But most of all, I'm just figuring out how to handle being a widow.

But, my most important advice now is to ensure you are prepared for anything. Have that stash of emergency cash life insurance, and ensure you are ready if something out of the blue happens.

I failed at all this, and now I struggle to make ends meet. I will get it together. But it is taking me some time to do so. In the meantime, it is a struggle to keep the house going.

So, please don't fall into the same hole I did. Like I said, this is something no one ever warned me about until it is too late. I know at my age, I should have been already prepared.

But life happens, and you never think it will catch you so off guard. It does, and it will. If this helps even one person, it is worth sharing.