Self-Compassion

In society for the past few years we have seen a push towards self-care. I myself even cheekily implemented Self-care Sunday at one point. But as I've watched the self-care train unfold over the years I have realized more and more that this is not a train I want to be on.

I know! Surprised the heck out of me too! So I had to ask myself why I'm almost anti-self-care; which is such a strong statement that I have repeatedly deleted and retyped the above sentence. I've landed on "I said what I said," and decided to keep it.

How can I turn from "Self-care Sunday," to "I'm not sure this is where we should be going with this," in the span of a couple of years? As you may have guessed I have a list...

1. Self-Care implies that you can get the necessary help without the assistance of an expert. Sure this is sometimes the case. But in many, many cases it is not. Someone with chronic pain, mental illness, or in a verbal or physically abusive situation will most likely not be able to help themselves with self-care. Sure, there are anecdotal stories where someone has, but those are the exception not the rule. Taking care of one self is absolutely imperative, but many many times more than that is needed.

2. To follow up on one, for those in marginalized communities that cannot afford mental health so often we hear "well, have you tried self-care? Have you gone for a walk? Are you journaling?" Again, self-care while good is not a cure all for everything. More access to physical and mental health care services at affordable rates is absolutely needed.

3. YOU GUYS! WE GOT SELF CARE ALL WRONG!! Yes, I'm yelling! And I'm not even sorry. Sure self-care can be coffee dates, bubble baths, Netflix and chocolate. But many many times actual self-care is paying your damn bills, cleaning your room, eating a vegetable, or even doing the dishes. Sure Self-care sounds all fun and relaxing, but in reality the IDEA behind self-care is to take care of oneself. Eating chocolate and binging on Netflix for two days, while fun, is not actually taking care of yourself.

4. It becomes competitive. "Oh, you took a break over coffee? Well, I went to a Himilayan Salt Cave for 45 minutes followed by a massage." One type of caring for oneself is not better than the other, but social media and gorgeous pictures on Instagram tells us something else. Honestly the other day I drank my coffee barefoot outside in my backyard. That is not a bad way to take care of oneself if you find it soothing, and it should not be looked down upon simply because I didn't get a gorgeous Insta shot.

5. Self-Care has become a marketing statement. If you are confused how to take care of yourself there are advertisements everywhere marketing the newest eye masks, the best essential oils, the finest spas, and the comfiest weighted blankets. None of these items are intrinsically bad, but they are also not a requirement to take care of yourself.

6. In some people, self-care actually worsens their anxiety and/or depression. For many people they want to take care of themselves, but these total one-eighties to better mental health leave them shaken. If you have never taken care of yourself a five minute moment of stillness can be incredibly anxiety provoking. Self-care is not a cure all, and should be approached cautiously.

7. If everything is Self-Care than what is not Self-Care? We now live in a world where eating a whole pizza is labeled as self-care because we wanted a whole pizza. So if I can cheekily label all of my negative behaviors as healthy than is anything I do actually bad for me? Pinterest causes me to spiral, but since I enjoy mindlessly scrolling through it should I open myself up to that spiraling all in the name of taking care of myself?

8. Self-care can easily become self-obsession. We do to a certain extent need to manage our own lives and needs before we can help others, however we can become so obsessed with making sure that we are okay we can forget that other people need assistance as well. Balance is super important. If your self-care takes up an entire day I would challenge you to look at what you can take out. And if you find that when you reduce your self-care your day becomes unmanageable I would challenge you to find the underlying reason behind needing so much self-care.

9. Someone else's definition of self-care is not your definition of self-care. Every single person is different. I enjoy yoga, and I bookend my days with a 10 minute meditation and a short 5 minute self-reiki session. It's a very simple and effective way to keep me on track, but a ten minute meditation is not for everybody. And I don't have a lot of frills and whistles to my own practice, some people may need the crystals and fluffy weighted blankets (in full disclosure I do have them, I just realized I don't need them and they distract me). Every. Body. Is. Different.

10. And last but not least, swap out self-care with the word self compassion and you have essentially solved many of the above issues. You are showing yourself self-compassion when you make a doctor's appointment. You are showing yourself self-compassion when you realized leaving a pile of bills is causing you anxiety so you do them. You are showing yourself self-compassion when you realize Pinterest causes you to spiral so you take it off your phone. And you are showing yourself self-compassion when you don't beat yourself up for eating the whole pizza and the next day you mindfully try to add more vegetables into your diet.

Self-care has become a buzzword and a marketing tool, and unfortunately this caused it's original meaning to change into something it was never intended to be. So instead of falling into a self-care trap I challenge you to approach your life with self-compassion, and see what happens. You may be surprised.

As always I am not a doctor. This post is not meant to diagnose or treat any issues. Please see your doctor to find what works for you.