Memories

02/02/2019 I’ve been slowly losing my memories and Dr. Louis has suggested that keeping a journal might help me hold on to more of them. So, I got mum to get me this small black notebook. I know I need to write something, but I’m not sure what I’m meant to write. Maybe this is good enough?

04/02/2019 I completely forgot to write in this notebook yesterday, so I guess that I’ve already messed up. I’m super anxious about this new drug they are going to try me on. I don’t know how adding one more pill to the cocktail will help. I’m scared that it’ll make me lose more of myself. But who knows, maybe it’ll make me better?

05/02/2019 Today’s the first day of trying the new medication. Dr. Louis said the name of the drug, but it sounded more like a pokemon than a medication to me. At least I remembered to write in this notebook today (yay)! That is the update. That’s all I’ve got.

07/02/2019 So, I missed another day there. It’s getting a bit harder to remember if I’ve written for the day or not. Some of the days have started to blur together. But today was a good day. Damien visited! We joked around a little bit and then he pulled out his Switch. We ended up playing video games for a whole afternoon. I think he feels sorry for me. There’s just something in his eyes that makes me think he’s hanging out with me out of pity or something. At least he was nice enough to not let me win. I think I lost most of the games that we played but anything to get my mind off my situation, you know.

08/02/2019 This morning I spent about five minutes trying to remember my doctor’s name. I kept just avoiding his name so he wouldn’t notice. I can feel myself getting worse. I keep telling people that I’m fine, but really, I’m scared. I don’t know what will happen if it all goes. The pokemon drug hasn’t kicked in yet. The doctors say it’ll take at least a month to build up in my system and do anything. I’m apparently the ‘ideal candidate’, whatever that actually means. From my experience, most drugs are a ‘cross your fingers and hope it works for you’ kinda situation.

09/02/2019 Today Damien came to visit again which was really nice of him. I think he’s been the only friend to visit me since I was admitted. He didn’t bring his switch with him, which sucked. I brought him up to my special spot up on the roof for some privacy. It’s always awkward having those convos in front of all the other patients. We just sat there and talked for a long time. I don’t remember much about the conversation, I remember Damien telling me that he was worried about me. I really could see that on his face.I lost track of time up on that roof with him, and we ended up watching the sunset together. I’m not sure the last time I had seen the sunset, but it was really beautiful, I wish I had taken a photo. He really means a lot to me. He’s been really good at keeping me tethered.

10/02/2019 Days like today are the worst. I’ve been poked and prodded by all types of needles, then spent hours in various closed spaces getting brain scans and other tests done. My body’s given up on me today. I just don’t have the energy to do anything, let alone write in a journal like this.

11/02/2019 Dear diary, everything sucks. I feel shitty from the meds, I feel shitty from the tests… I just feel shitty. Is it wrong that I’m angry that all of this is happening to me? I try really hard to keep a positive attitude, but it’s hard. I feel like living is for other people while I slowly rot here in this bed. I miss having a normal life. Maybe this will be it. It really scares me to think that my last few- however long I have left- will be stuck in this building. Dr. Lucas Louis is trying to remind me that there’s hope, but I’m all out of hope. I just feel so angry!

08/03/2019 I completely forgot about this notebook. It must have fallen off the bedside table a while ago. One of the orderlies gave it to me after they found it underneath the bed. I just reread the last few entries. I forgot that I was told to keep this at all. I feel so lost. The meds have apparently kicked in, but I don’t think they’re working. I’m just missing these things here and there. This morning I heard one of the nurses snicker because apparently I called a tomato an egg. I’m not sure if these entries are really helping, but I should try to keep at them anyway. Maybe it’ll help to be more optimistic.

09/03/2019 Day two of my second attempt of this journal thingy. Mum visited and dropped off a care package with some snacks she told me to hide from the nurses. I really love her, but it hurts to see her like this. She puts on a brave front, but I can tell she’s been crying a lot. I feel like a huge burden on her, and I wish I wasn’t. No sign of dad, which is probably for the best. I don’t think he has the emotional depth to deal with this whole situation. I asked her if Damien had come to visit recently because I can’t remember seeing him for a while. I know I haven’t written about him in a little while. She kinda deflected and avoided the question like she was hiding something.

11/03/2019 I’m not sure about these drugs that I’m taking. I’m not sure the last time that I cried, or laughed or even felt anger. I just feel so... numb. I can’t explain it. I just feel less of myself, whoever that is anymore. The doctor says that they are going to take more blood and monitor me to see if they need to make more changes to my meds.

12/03/2019 I was digging through my draws today and found a valentine’s day card from Damien. Did he give this to me? Was it like a platonic thing? Does he have feelings for me? Is this why he stopped visiting? I can’t even remember and it’s driving me insane. I feel like I’m losing more every day. This morning I forgot my own birthday for about an hour when the doctors came around to test me. Why am I like this?

15/03/2019 My memory feels like it’s getting worse. A nurse tried to give me some meds that I didn’t recognise. I’m so sure I’ve never taken those pills before, but they told me I take them every morning. I can feel more of me slipping away and I’m terrified. If anyone ever reads this-

22/03/2019 I don’t know what happened to me over the last week. Some of the nurses have told me I had a health scare. I don’t remember and there’s nothing in this notebook about any of it. Was it really that bad? I do have a fuzzy memory of a man holding my hand crying. Who was he? Was he this Damien that I’ve written about? I can’t remember who he is. But he seemed like he was genuinely worried for me. Why did he care? What is the point of any of this? I’m just so scared.

30/03/2019 The nurses found me crying with a card in my hand, but I don’t remember why I was crying. They took the card away and wouldn’t let me see it. Was this the card from Damien I wrote about? Why did it make me cry? I don’t know why I’m even writing here anymore. I know reading back I have more questions than I have answers. I barely remember that I have this notebook most days. I’m just done. I can’t do this anymore.

15/04/2019 Some people came to visit, but I didn’t know any of them. The doctor showed me this book and told me to read it and write what I felt into it. I don’t really feel anything.

30/05/2019 I don’t know who I am anymore.

02/02/2020 I’ve been sitting on this book for a long time, not knowing what to do with it. I finally brought myself to read it and it broke my heart. It broke my heart to see you forget who I was, it broke me to see you slipping away, but somehow it hurt so much more reading this. I don’t know who I am without you.

Your mum told me that you had left me $20,000 in your will. She told me you wanted to write it while you could still remember we were together. I never really wanted the money, all I really wanted was to spend my life with you. I’d give anything I could to have even one more day with you. I thought maybe I can give that gift to someone else, so I donated that money to fund some research to help others like you.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. It feels a little silly knowing you’ll never actually read it. I guess maybe I thought that it’d make me feel close to you for just a moment.

I miss you so much and I will never forget you Sarah.