Losing Everything, Except Weight

Looking at the title, you might think this is an article about advice on how to lose weight from someone who lost a bunch of weight. Unfortunately, this is not one of those articles. Weight loss is a hard journey, and a lot of times along the way you lose a lot more than just weight. I know every time I’ve tried to lose weight, I only ended up losing hope, self-esteem, sleep, confidence, and motivation. My aim in this is to share my experiences as someone who has tried to lose a significant amount of weight in the past and has been very unsuccessful. Hopefully, this article can shed some light for others in the same situation feel less alone in their journey to weight loss.

Currently, writing this article, I weigh in at about 198 pounds. Unfortunately for me, I also stand at an even five feet. My height does not help the fact that I am so heavy, because it makes the weight very noticeable, maybe if I was taller I would look thinner. There is not a day I look at myself in the mirror and think “Wow. I hate this.” Clothes don’t fit right, everything is too tight, and I genuinely feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I have tried everything, dieting, exercising, diet pills, if it exists (and doesn’t cost absurd amounts of money), I have tried it. The key word here is “try.” Nothing ever seemed to work.

My weight has kept me from so many things: relationships, activities, past times, clothing trends, and so many more. There are so many times that I see something I like or want and all I can think is “I can’t wear that, I’m not skinny enough.” Now, I am not saying that you have to be skinny to be beautiful, but I know personally for me I equate my size to attractiveness, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks this way. I cannot take a picture with someone without hating it because I feel fat. Even in my prom pictures, (shown above) a time when you’re supposed to feel beautiful and graceful, I cannot look at them without being a little disappointed in myself for being overweight. I cannot approach someone in public and talk to them because I feel like they’re judging me because I am fat. My confidence is very low, and I know losing weight would solve a lot of my self-esteem issues, yet no matter how hard I try I can never persevere long enough to see results.

Losing weight is hard, it takes an insane amount of patience and perseverance, two things I happen to have very little of. I keep telling myself “tomorrow I will go to the gym” or “tomorrow I will start my new diet” and tomorrow comes, and I repeat the same cycle over and over again. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. Here’s something I have learned over the years: having a support system helps tremendously. When I was in tenth grade, I joined the swim team. The thought of being in a bathing suit in front of a crowd TERRIFIED me, but I did it anyway. While on the team, my coach initiated a diet that we all had to follow. This wasn’t really a “diet” per say, but the main requirement was that we had to cut out all fried foods and sweet sugary drinks (soda, sweet tea, etc.). I went home that night mortified. How was I supposed to follow this diet when I don’t even cook for myself? I told my mom about the “diet” and lucky for me, she was also trying to lose weight at the time, so she implemented the diet for the whole household. If it wasn’t for that support system, I never would have followed through, and ultimately would have never improved myself.

My main issue at the moment is that I have moved out, am attending college, and live alone. Not only do I not have a support system but I also don’t have the finances to eat the proper foods someone should to lose weight. I am aware that portion control is a huge factor in weight loss as well, but a well-balanced diet really helps, and as a college student who doesn’t make much money, it’s very hard to get fresh produce and other healthy foods. Healthy foods are much more expensive and when you have limited funds and time, often your diet is far from balanced. Recently, I have been eating especially bad, eating only one meal a day and that “meal” being Ramen.

My apartment complex has a gym, a very nice gym in fact, that I never use. Every time I walk into a gym, I’m immediately intimidated. Everyone there seems to know what they’re doing and not only that but they all look good. Why are they here? I’m completely clueless and once I do start to exercise, I start to feel self-conscious. Exercise and I have had a very long, rough, relationship. As a child, I had extreme asthma. Any movement above a brisk power walk had me almost on the ground passed out from lack of oxygen. As I’ve gotten older, my breathing issues have improved, but I still feel the anxiety and fear of exercising. My suggestion: go to the gym with somebody else. I went for two or three weeks last year with my roommate and it helped cut back on the nervousness that most people feel at the gym. Also, I have found that your music playlist changes everything. I used to exercise with no music, and all I could think of is how much I hated exercising and how much pain I was in. Music is a good distraction for most people and it significantly improved my gym experiences.

I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there needs to see this. I know I am not the only one struggling with this and feeling these things. I’m hoping this will show people that they are not alone, that it isn’t just them struggling. Losing weight is difficult. Some people are very patient and can keep up with it, others, like me, have issues with weight loss. You are not alone. I am about to start trying to lose weight again, and I am determined to be successful. I hope everyone reading this found some level of comfort reading my struggles, and when I am successful with my weight loss, I will definitely be writing another article about those experiences and giving some advice that can help those along this journey as well.